The Chicago Cubs will win the 2008 World Series

Worry not, friends. That headline is not misleading. It’s fact. Courtesy of our one-time nemesis, the geometric proof, we will prove that the Chicago Cubs will win the 2008 World Series.

Given:

The Cubs (36-21) are the best team in Major League Baseball
The last time the Cubs had the best record in baseball this late in the season was 1908
The Cubs won the World Series in 1908

Prove:

The Chicago Cubs will win the 2008 World Series

Statements


1. The Cubs are the best team in Major League Baseball
2. The last time the Cubs had the best record in baseball this late in the season was 1908
3. The Cubs won the World Series in 1908
4. History repeats itself in 100-year intervals
5. The Chicago Cubs will win the 2008 World Series

Reasons

1. Given
2. Given
3. Given
4. 100 is a magic number with supernatural powers that transcend external elements
5. Because we said so

There. Proof.

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Mark Prior touched himself too much as a child…

…Or suffocated a cat in a grocery bag. One of the two. Has to be one of the two.

How else to explain that the once-heralded and dominant Prior will undergo season-ending surgery to repair his injured right shoulder? The former phenom hasn’t pitched in nearly two years and has only made 57 starts since 2003. We’re beginning to wonder if he’ll ever pitch again.

After an 18-6 2003 campaign — his first full season — he was on the fast track to stardom. Then the injuries. Lots of injuries.

So he tried on his mother’s Sunday dresses and put on her lipstick, right?

Would you do…Holly Rowe?

Why we might:

The easy answer: Nice hair.

The more in-depth answer: You all know you’ve thought about it. That girl at the bar who’s really cute, but when she slides out of the booth, you realize she probably weighs more than you do. The only thing holding you back is a few extra pounds, so you hold off, and go home and masturbate instead of getting the real thing.

Rowe might be that girl…but when masturbation’s lost its fun, the real thing is completely worth it — even if the scale is tipping in the wrong direction.

Why we might not:

The easy answer: Plus-sized.

The more in-depth answer: A little chunk is good — we’ve always said that it’s nice to have something other than skin and bones to hold on to.

But Rowe has a little more junk in the trunk than most prefer. You might be wasted and notice that she has four asses though you’re not yet to the point where you’re seeing double…

The answer: If you like her on top, you’re out. Game over. See ya later. Go get some frozen yogurt and call it a night.

Life is all about taking chances. If you play it safe with this one, your wang is going to be dry or in your hand (or both). But if you live a little — if you take that chance — you might get some shit from your friends in the morning, but you will have been that happy place where all straight men and Ellen DeGeneres long to go.

We’re gonna take that chance. Yeah. It feels good to say that. But beer goggles are a must in a situation like this. Let’s call it five Long Islands, and, unfortunately, us on top. (Sigh).

All right, folks. The polls are open, but don’t shy away from the comments. Like ’em bigger? Then it’s a no-brainer. If you’re one for the petite girls, think about going outside of your comfort zone.

(Reach-around for rstiles of Stiles Points for the suggestion).

Would you do…Holly Rowe?
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What happened to Pronk?

It was just a few years ago that Travis Hafner was arguably baseball’s best DH. He hit for average, power and in the clutch.

Then something happened. Maybe SI doomed him. Perhaps there were problems at home. Juice?

It’s not that 2007 was a bad season — hell, for anyone else it would’ve been a solid year. But Pronk’s .266 average was about 40 points lower than what he averaged from 2004-06 and his 24 home runs (in approximately 100 more at-bats) were nearly half of his ’06 total. More alarming, Hafner finished by hitting .186 in 11 playoff games. This article (scroll down a ways) has a nice chart.

Hafner’s slump has continued throughout the first quarter of the 2008 season. He’s hitting .217 with four homers and is on pace for over 150 strikeouts. That is if he can stay off the DL, which is a possibility after missing his third straight game with a bum shoulder.

But hey, cool jacket, man.

All-Star voters like the Yankees and Red Sox, don’t follow baseball


Here’s what we’ve learned from the first balloting results for the 2008 MLB All-Star Game:

1. There are a lot of Yankee and Red Sox fans. (But you already knew that. We did, too. So we guess we didn’t learn that. Sorry.)
2. Voters don’t have any fucking idea of who deserves to be representing the American League.
3. Voters have a much better idea of who deserves to be representing the National League.
4. Raisins are just dried grapes.
5. Perennial sluggers are having lousy seasons.
6. There aren’t that many players who are having non-lousy seasons.
7. If these votes stand, the National League might finally win this thing. (This time it counts!)

We’ve listed the people you’ve selected first and listed who should be selected below. There’s more than a month left before ballots must be submitted, so these names will/should change.

Fan voting:

C – Jason Varitek — .268, 6 HR, 19 RBI
1B – Kevin Youkilis — .306, 9 HR, 35 RBI
2B – Dustin Pedroia — .289, 3 HR, 27 RBI
3B – Alex Rodriguez — .286, 7 HR, 17 RBI (DL stint)
SS – Derek Jeter — .286, 2 HR, 24 RBI
OF – Manny Ramirez — .292, 9 HR, 34 RBI
OF – Ichiro Suzuki — .292, 3 HR, 14 RBI, 22 SB
OF – Vladimir Guerrero — .258, 7 HR, 28 RBI
DH – David Ortiz — .253, 12 HR, 40 RBI

Should be:

C – Joe Mauer — .329, 0 HR, 20 RBI
1B – Youkilis
2B – Ian Kinsler — .294, 7 HR, 32 RBI, 15 SB
SS – Michael Young — .279, 5 HR, 24 RBI
3B – Miguel Cabrera – .275, 8 HR, 29 RBI
OF – Josh Hamilton – .329, 13 HR, 58 RBI
OF – Carlos Quentin – .297, 14 HR, 44 RBI
OF – Carl Crawford – .281, 4 HR, 29 RBI, 14 SB
DH – Ortiz

*All stats through Tuesday.

Funny, too, is that all those Red Sox fans didn’t vote for their most legit candidate: outfielder Jacoby Ellsbury. And Carlos Quentin isn’t even on the ballot! Write him in!

All-Star ballots must be submitted by July 3. So go support Democracy. Like, now!

The Best: Album

Welcome to “The Best,” a new series from the people who brought you “Would You Do,” “Blogger Interviews” and “What Really Grinds My Gears.”

It’s just what it sounds like: what’s the best ______? “Best” is such a subjective word and that’s really the point — let’s get you guys talking! If this works, there will be intelligent, thoughtful debate on the day’s topic. And if it doesn’t work, well, back to the drawing board.

Some great music over the years. And we don’t listen to that many types — Country, R&B and Pop have never really caught our ear. But there are some very successful artists from those genres. And then there’s the stuff we do listen to.

Some of the top albums ever recorded that come to mind:

-Dr. Dre: The Chronic
-Pearl Jam: Ten
-Snoop Dogg: Doggystyle
-Nirvana: Nevermind
-The Beatles: Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

Wow! Some great music. The best album ever made? Yours please in the comments.

A friendly face

We’ve told you about our gym friend before — you know the one. If you don’t, here’s a reminder.

In comes this guy we’d seen around the Y before. Older dude…maybe late 50s, but he coulda passed for 125. He was Nicole Richie-thin, had wispy, graying hair and an unkept beard. Man, this beard was fucking awesome. If there were birds living in there, we’d be the least surprised. He probably hasn’t shaved since ’72.

Anyway, this guy starts doing some stretches and shit. We usually mind our business at the gym, try to keep our head down, avoid eye contact. But as this hombre was stretching, we couldn’t help but stare.

It sure looked like this older man was trying to suck his own dick. Like actually. He was really going after it. He even had the facial expression showing his hunger. Of course, he would’ve said he was just stretching or doing some yoga or pilates or whatever the fuck it is that older people do at the gym. But he was hands down trying to suck on his own cock. He would’ve done it too if we weren’t there. He was craving it. We were the only thing in his way.

We saw this man again last week, but in much different circumstances: he was flossing.

But he was doing it with the same ferocity and passion that he displays when trying to suck his own cock. This guy is a fucking awesome flosser. Bent over the sink, chin turned up, he nearly had his entire fist in his fucking mouth, trying to get all those tough-to-reach spots. And you better believe he got them. He’s that good.

We’re not sure if a dentist would be proud or appalled — like this guy was breaking all conventional rules of flossing but he was doing it with a passion that prevents a dentist from committing suicide. (Dentists, ya know, have one of the highest rates of suicide by profession).

We’ve gotten to the point that we think we could make an honest pitch to make a successful reality show out of following this guy around. If he goes after the cock and flosses with such intensity and passion, imagine him doing the other daily rituals that we take for granted.

Look for the show soon. We’d probably call it something like “Man really likes to suck his own cock and floss” or “Daily Life.”

But probably “Man really likes to suck his own cock and floss.”

MTV will eat it right up.