Hating Fox Sports, Part 1: Tim McCarver

They don’t get much worse than Old Man McCarver. The former major league catcher turned TV analyst turned moron, has been calling the last few World Series, which is far too many to be calling.

He teams up with Joe Buck to put together one of the most boring fucking broadcasts known to man. McCarver has nothing insightful to say about the game and appears to get dumber by the pitch.

His bio on his website says:

McCarver’s broadcast career started with the Philadelphia Phillies, almost immediately after his retirement as a player, but it wasn’t long before his talents were recognized by NBC and WOR, the superstation home of the New York Mets. Within two years, McCarver was doing double duty as the network’s Game of the Week baseball analyst and WOR’s everyday analyst of the New York Mets, becoming a mainstay in All-Star and World Series broadcasts.

The fact that somebody had the fucking audacity to say “talent” and “Tim McCarver” in the same breath makes puking sound like the only option.

Years ago, when calling the Atlanta vs. Cleveland World Series, Old Man McCarver said, “Marquis Grissom was born the 14th of 15th children. He bats second in the Braves lineup, a spot known as the table setter. That’s ironic because I’m sure he was setting the table quite a bit as a child.”

And this past year, McCarver had his nose so far up A.J. Pierzynski’s ass during the playoffs that A.J. considered defecating on his face. Unfortunately for all of us, A.J. reluctantly held it in.

Old Man McCarver has won three national Emmy Awards as “Best Sportscaster/Analyst,” which makes one wonder who the fuck is voting.

McCarver, with the help of Buck, has made the World Series virtually impossible to listen to on television. (Thankfully, Jon Miller has the call on the radio). The ratings for the playoffs suck nearly as much as Old Man McCarver.

Tim, The Big Picture certainly does not salute you and considers you to have a lower IQ than a crayon.

Norv Turner update: 7:03 a.m. PST and our boy is still in as the Raiders’ coach.

In other news: Bengals’ QB Carson Palmer has signed a 6-year contract extension with an option for a guest appearance as President Palmer on “24.”


Reardon: ‘Ugueth made me do it’

Former relief pitcher Jeff Reardon was arrested yesterday for robbing a jewelry store in Palm Beach Gardens, Fla.

Reardon, 50 and bearded, starred with the Expos, Twins and Red Sox and retired sixth in career saves in 1994. Reardon takes medication for his depression, and some think the pills were the culprit for the crime. But The Big Picture has dug deeper to discover that the pills were just Tylenol Cold and Flu for his stuffy nose and that it was, in fact, current relief pitcher Ugueth Urbina who put Reardon up to the task.

“Ugueth made me do it.” Reardon said, “I don’t know why I listened to him, but if I didn’t rob that store, I was afraid he was going to take me to his ranch in Venezuela and cut me with a machete.”

Coincidentally, Urbina is serving time in jail for last month’s attempted murder of employees of his family’s ranch in, none other than, Venezuela. Urbina and a group of men wielded machetes and poured gasoline on the employees in an attempt to set them on fire (CBC Sports).

According to Reardon, Urbina used telepathy to communicate with Reardon from behind bars on another continent using Relief Pitcher ESP.

Asked why he stole $170 in cash from a jewelry store, Reardon said, “That’s a great fucking question.”

Urbina apparently failed to tip Reardon that jewelry stores contain jewelry which is often worth much more than $170. He also forgot mention that most people don’t buy jewelry with cash, but rather with a credit card.

Urbina, asked to discuss his motives for using Reardon as his pawn to commit the theft, had no comment, but made a throat-slitting motion with the machete he uses to clip his toenails.

Reardon was released on a $5,000 bond and has asked Urbina to apologize for making him do it.

In other news: Turns out that Notre Dame QB Brady Quinn’s mother is none other than Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

Breaking News: Lisa Guerrero is way hot

From the website that told you that Reggie Bush will likely turn pro, The Big Picture has learned that sports broadcaster Lisa Guerrero has posed in the January 2006 issue of Playboy.

Guerrero, 41 and outta-this-world hot, has previously modeled for FHM and has appeared in many lousy TV shows and movies. After acting, Guerrero went in to sportscasting and has been on ABC’s Monday Night Football, some crap on Fox Sports Net and currently works on the Best Damn Sports Show Period.

Asked why Guerrero would make a good fit on sports broadcasts, FOX spokesman Tom Arnold said, “Because she’s hot.”

Guerrero has no formal training in broadcast journalism, but it’s not needed when you have been a professional cheerleader (for the Rams) and have posed for sexy magazines.

Guerrero is married to either former or current washed up MLB pitcher (I’m not sure which), Scott Erickson. He says he fell in love with her for her extensive sports knowledge.

After shooting a nude pictorial of Guerrero, Playboy has gotten the idea to do a Girls of Sportscasting spread. They are talking with ESPN’s Suzy Kolber, Linda Cohn and Sam Ryan.

In other news: MNF waives goodbye to ABC and will head to ESPN next season where the games will be called by Lon McEachern and Norman Chad.

Mike Nolan: ‘We blew it’

SAN FRANCISCO — In his press conference during Christmas dinner last night, San Francisco 49ers coach Mike Nolan made a public apology to 49ers’ fans everywhere.

“We fucked up,” said Coach Nolan, whom the players call Coach Nolan.

The 49ers, after beating the St. Louis Rams 24-20 Sunday, all but lost their chance to draft USC running back Reggie Bush in next April’s NFL draft. Many fans thought the Niners should push integrity aside and intentionally lose their next two games in order to pick the highly touted Bush.

It appeared that some players didn’t want to throw the game, but their words were taken out of context.

“I don’t give a crap about the draft,” linebacker Derek Smith told the San Francisco Chronicle.

But Smith was referring to the military draft which he does not seem to care about. As an NFL player and a rich white dude, he is not concerned about being drafted.

Added Nolan about the NFL draft: “We blew it big time. Like taking Young Alex Smith first-overall-big-time. Our team has heart, but lacks talent. We could have really used a guy like Reggie to make us much more watchable. My deepest regrets go out to our somewhat-loyal fans.”

With the win against the Rams, San Francisco (3-12) could slide down as far as the seventh-pick. At that spot, they will likely get a player who will not make much of a difference.

“We’ll think about the pick for a long time,” said Nolan. “But we’re pretty fucked now. Reggie would have saved the next couple seasons for us, but the future continues to look dark.”

49ers’ front office officials are rumored to be in negotiations with Gale Sayers and Barry Sanders — players who were as good as Bush about 8-35 years ago.

In other news: After their victory over the Lakers, Heat center Shaquille O’Neal gave a hug, kiss and “get out of jail free” card to Kobe Bryant for Christmas.

Ho Ho Ho from Chad Johnson

There was no reindeer celebration after Chad Johnson took it to the house yesterday, but he did bring his sleigh loaded with Xmas gifts.

He passed out autographed shirts and footballs to lucky fans and had a bag filled with more. What wasn’t publicized though were the gifts he gave out to the rest of the league.

Here’s what a select few received from our boy, Mr. Johnson:

-The Buffalo Bills got a win against Chad’s Bengals.

-The Houston Texans were given the likely chance of getting Reggie Bush.

-Mike Tice was given Super Bowl tickets to do whatever he pleases with.

-Matt Millen was given the classifieds to look for his next job.

-Norv Turner: see Millen.

-Raider fans got this mask to remind them that Randy Moss does actually play for Oakland. Would make for a better Halloween costume than Christmas gift though.

-The SS Love Boat passengers took the party cruise and all they got was this lousy shirt.

-The NFL front office received $40,000 in future endzone dancing fines.

-Bryant McKinnie got head — wait that wasn’t for Christmas…

-Randy Moss was given one of these bad boys.

-Christmas came early for the Baltimore Ravens. Last week they received an offense.

-Ricky Williams was given a truck load of weed. (Gift was not given by Johnson but by ex-Cowboy Nate Newton).

-Young Alex Smith was given the ability to complete more than half of his passes. A touchdown pass? “Maybe next year,” said Johnson.

-The Seattle Seahawks got a freebie win against the Indianapolis Ponies.

-And Chad gave himself the ultimate gift: the gift of giving…only because his reindeer was kidnapped.

Happy holidays folks!

In other news: The cast of Hawaii 5-0 and about 12 other people saw Nevada beat Central Florida in a helluva Hawaii Bowl last night.

Quick thoughts (and inevitably cheap shots) about Week 16

-The 49ers can’t do anything right. Their costly win in St. Louis likely means Reggie Bush will be a Texan next season.

-I’m all for integrity…but trying to win? Keep in mind, this is coming from the same franchise that brought you an in-house tape with strippers and many racist scenarios.

-Three wins is nothing to be proud of and is a terrible Christmas gift. All I wanted from Santa were the rights to Reggie Bush.

-One win…one lousy win may have cost the Niners nine more years of aguish.

-Reggie Bush on the 49ers latest tragedy: “Man, fuck that shit. I’m not trying to go to Houston. They got big ass bugs there.”

-49ers coach Mike Nolan just got a call from Matt Millen to discuss the whole integrity thing.

-Young Alex Smith (0 Tds, many INTs) won his first game as a starter but says he is still young and very very bad.

-To add injury to insult, not only are my Niners screwed in the Bush Sweepstakes, Chad Johnson’s reindeer gag was spoiled. If this has something to do with animal rights I’m going to be very disappointed.

-Doesn’t seem like anybody in the NFC wants to clinch a division. The New York Giants looked worse than the Niners and Carolina blew it (see: Bryant McKinnie) against Dallas. I’d love to see the Redskins come from nowhere to win the NFC East.

-Tough goings in the AFC these days. Kansas City has an impressive win over the Chargers who had an impressive win over Indy last week and both teams will be fading shitty beer on their La-Z-Boys come playoff time.

-Big ups to the Jacksonville Jaguars. David Garrard is filling in nicely for Byron Leftwich.

-No big ups to the Houston Texans. You guys better beat the Niners next week.

-Jake Plummer is probably the ugliest player in the league. He could benefit by visiting Johnny Damon’s barber.

-Terry Bradshaw is probably the stupidest person affiliated with the league.

-And the Cowboys may have the hottest cheerleaders in the league.

-I feel bad for the Saints. They can’t even beat the Lions.

-Just when I thought Pittsburgh was vulnerable: Steelers 41, Browns 0.

-I’m glad I’m not an NFL official: They’ll be run out of Carolina forever when they get a better look at that ball Julius Peppers certainly blocked.

-I’m glad I don’t deal with tie-breakers: Lots of 10-5 teams in the NFC.

-Frank Gore and Maurice Hicks looked really good running the ball for the Niners today. Who needs Reggie Bush?

-Oh yeah, the Niners. Mike Nolan is dead to me. I’ll show you integrity.

-Atlanta is probably the loudest 8-7 team in a long time, while Miami may be the quietest. Nick Saban should get strong consideration for Coach of the Year.

-Ron Mexico, Michael Vick’s alias, should probably flee to Mexico after failing to get his hyped Falcons to the playoffs.

-For some reason Norv Tuner is still coaching the Raiders. Word has it that they are getting their asses kicked by Denver and Randy Moss is getting ready to show his ass to Al Davis.

In other news: After eating rotten tuna, Bill Parcells is considering retirement.

$ell out

Bill Buckner’s off the hook in Boston. Well, he was probably off the hook after the Sox won the 2004 World Series. But he’s really off of it now.

There’s a new villain for Red Sox fans to loathe and his name is Benedict Arnold. Arnold, loved in Boston by many (including the women), took a bigger, more lucrative contract to play for the hated New York Yankees.

(Editor’s note: For the sake of mild humor and satire, Arnold is a code name for Johnny Damon and will be used for the rest of this column.)

Arnold claims that Boston was not pursuing him hard enough and he felt unwanted and cried on his pillow. Because he no longer felt like crying, he took the big bucks ($12 million more than Boston was offering) to go play for the Dark Siders.

It’s not that Arnold is the only athlete to ever leave his town where he was loved and to chase whiter fences. Giambi left Oakland, A-Rod left Seattle, Beltran left Kansas City.

It’s just how it played out that has sportswriters, fans and crazy drunks saying that Arnold dropped an A-bomb on the only bridge back to Boston. He went to the heated rival. He went to the team that doesn’t put up with guys who rival Jesus in appearance. He went to the Dark Side.

Somewhere Bill Buckner is laughing.

In other news: With the addition of 40-year-old Steve Finley to an outfield of Barry Bonds (41) and Moises Alou (39), the San Francisco Giants have relocated to the Land Before Time.