Breaking news: Seahawks’ van struck by gate, lightning

As the Seahawks’ were heading downtown to a news conference, their van was struck by an automated parking gate. (There was no lightning, but from the magnitude of this story on the local news, there may as well have been). Matt Hasselbeck, Shaun Alexander and Walter Jones were the biggest stars in the car. Everybody was fine, nobody was hurt, and Matt Hasselbeck is still bald.

Perhaps a ploy to generate more news during this boring fucking week? We think so too.


Favre contemplates thinking about retirement

Backwoods, Miss. — Green Bay quarterback Brett Favre said Sunday from his home in Mississippi that he was considering retiring. He told ESPN’s Chris Mortensen in an interview that, “If I had to pick right now and make a decision, I would say I’m not coming back.”

But making decisions is not Favre’ strong point. He’s known for making poor decisions in key games and he’s characterized as not good at making decisions at all.

“I think I want to retire because I’m getting older,” said Favre, 67. “But then again, I think I wanted to retire three years ago and here I am. I think I’ll probably wake up tomorrow and decide I want to be the fucking president.”

Favre has played 37 seasons in the NFL and the Packers were 4-12 last season, his worst ever.

“We were fuckin’ terrible last year,” said Favre. “It didn’t help losing Ahman (Packers’ running back Ahman Green), but I just couldn’t get it together. I think I was too caught up in trying to decide what I was going to eat for dinner on game nights.”

Favre threw 20 TDs against 29 INTs in the 2005 campaign and had meatloaf for dinner three nights a week.

There was lots of speculation about how Favre would react to the firing of former head coach Mike Sherman, but Favre made his feelings clear.

“Sure, Shermie blew last year.” he said, “He certainly needed to go. But this new guy the front office brought in? I mean, who the fuck do they think I am? I especially don’t want to play for this dickhead.”

The “dickhead” whom Favre spoke of was new Packers’ coach Mike McCarthy who previously was the offensive coordinator for the 49ers. It is unclear at this time if McCarthy actually has a penis attached to his head, but sources are looking into it.

According to an AP wire story, Favre suggested to Mortensen it was not his physical shape that was complicating his decision, instead acknowledging a host of factors, such as his daughter’s upcoming high school graduation.

“If she’s anything like me,” Favre said of his daughter, “she’ll decide on what college she wants to attend when she’s 26. But it better be Southern Miss. Go Eagles!”

Asked what he’d miss most if he were to retire, Favre said, “It’d have to be the road trips. I’d love to go into a hostile city, kick the shit out their team, and then fine some hot, young broads to nail back in the hotel.”

It’s likely that Favre will stay in football even after his retirement, which could be anywhere from tomorrow to 2071. Favre said he would consider coaching or perhaps broadcasting, but he said, “It may take me a while to decide. I’ll get back to you in a couple of years.”

In other news: The Denver Broncos are speaking with Terrell Owens about the possibility of him being their head cheerleader next season.

All the right questions for Media Day

While you’ve been trying to digest the news that Jerome Bettis is from Detroit and that ketchup is a big deal in Pittsburgh for the past week, the clock toward Super Bowl XL is winding down, albeit very slowly. The media is in Detroit, the players are in Detroit and the fans are probably checking out the sites of Flint, Mich.

While we don’t exactly have the credentials to make it to the big game, we figured that we could at least draw up some questions to ask the players and coaches on Media Day. You know, for practice. And because these questions will never get answered, we thought it would be best to write some questions that are probably better unanswered.

Here’s what we would ask:

Shaun Alexander, running back, Seattle:

-So Shaun, being from Kentucky and all, do you find yourself especially close with your mother/sister/cousin?

-We noticed you have a gap in your teeth. Does that pretty much defeat the purpose of flossing?

-Does having two first names ever bother you?

Matt Hasselbeck, quarterback, Seattle:

-Matt, you seem to constantly be wearing a hat – in fact you are right now. Just for looks, right? Not like you’d be trying to cover anything up or anything.

-What’s the deal with your brother, Tim? Isn’t he married to that chick from Survivor? How’s that going?

Sean Locklear, offensive tackle, Seattle:

-How’s your girlfriend’s neck?

-Are you friendly at all with Jason Kidd or Kobe Bryant? Apparently you guys have some stuff in common.

Mike Holmgren, head coach, Seattle:

-You have this moustache. Can you please elaborate?

-Do you feel that you take better care of your facial hair, than say, Adam Morrison?

Ken Hamlin, safety, Seattle:

Been to Pioneer Square lately, Ken?

Ben Roethlisberger, quarterback, Pittsburgh:

-So they call you “Big Ben.” Did you give yourself that nickname or did like some girl give it to you or something?

-About “Big Ben.” Does your mother call you that? ‘Cause that would be a little weird.

-Pick your brand: Schick, Gillette, Bic, Norelco, or Braun?

Hines Ward, wide receiver, Pittsburgh:

-Does “Hines” mean something or were your parents just out to get you?

-Do you find any irony that your name is that of a ketchup company in, none other than Pittsburgh?

Jerome Bettis, running back, Pittsburgh:

-We keep hearing how you grew up in Detroit. As a teenager, would you and your friends ever get loaded and go to Ford Headquarters and yell something like, “Ford sucks, Toyota rules”?

-Jerome, they call you “The Bus.” Does it help with the ladies?

Troy Polamalu, strong safety, Pittsburgh:

-Are you trying to make some sort of point with your hair or is just ugly as hell on purpose?

-Have you ever considered donating your locks? We know at least one guy on the opposing team who could use it.

Bill Cowher, head coach, Pittsburgh:

-Coach, we’ve noticed that you’ve looked the exact same since 1992. What’s your secret?

-Hypothetically speaking, if you were to win on Sunday, do you think you may smile?

Perhaps it’s better that these questions won’t be asked on Media Day.

This column was published in the University of Washington’s The Daily.

In other news: The Minnesota T-Wolves beat the Indiana Hoosiers 61-42 Sunday.

They’re ALL seniors. I get it. Clever name.

While you were still trying to digest the news that Jerome Bettis is from Detroit, the next wave of NFLers were being showcased in Mobile, Ala. during Saturday’s Senior Bowl.

The game itself — a 31-14 North romp — was pretty uneventful. The top prospects at the skill positions were Vanderbilt QB Jay Cutler and Memphis RB DeAngelo Williams, and neither did much. The MVP was Miami wideout Sinorice Moss who had like 40 yards receiving and a TD. I’m certain he was awarded the MVP for having the name Sinorice, not the jaw-dropping stats. (And being related to Redskins’ WR Santana Moss probably helped a bit).

But there were all sorts of other stories that made the game rather interesting (and pretty fucking confusing). For example, despite the campuses of USC and UCLA being no more than 10 miles apart, the Trojans were on the North squad while the Bruins were placed on the South squad. Not sure what to think about that. Somebody either doesn’t know much about geography or this was some sort of social statement.

I nearly fell out of my proverbial seat when I saw who was roaming the sidelines for the South: Norv Turner! He was part of the 49ers’ coaching staff that was in charge the Southern boys. I’m glad he’s still employed after a week as the Niners’ offensive coordinator, though he may not be for long. The South team racked up a whopping 179 yards of total offense. That’s not surprising coming from a team coached by either Norv Turner or Mike Nolan. Kudos on a job well done. Looking forward to next season!

ESPN NFL Draft guru, Mel Kiper Jr., made a sterling performance as always. He made good comments, had quick reads and shook defenders like flies. But scouts are concerned whether his hair will fit under a helmet, so he’s expected to be a second-day pick — fifth-round at best.

So who helped their stock? Penn State QB Michael Robinson sure looked good running the ball, but he most definitely won’t being playing quarterback on Sundays. Virginia offensive lineman D’Brickashaw Ferguson never has a bad game (likely because his name is D’Brickashaw), and this Sinorice kid did all right.

Who didn’t look good? Well Jay Cutler looked iffy. He’s projected as a top-10 pick and the third QB taken (behind Leinart and Young). I’m skeptical about him though because he played at Vanderbilt. The fact that they had a football team was news to me. Derek Hagan, wideout from Arizona State, dropped some balls which isn’t good if you’re a receiver. If football doesn’t work out for him, I’m sure he could fall back on that ASU education. On second thought…

And at the end of the day, there were even cheerleaders at the Senior Bowl. What they were cheering is unclear to us. Maybe they were rooting for the city of Mobile. It could probably use all the help it can get.

In other news: The Boston Red Sox acquired outfielder Coco Crisp from the Indians for a big-name prospect and some Corn Pops.

Proof that man evolved from ape

Andre the Giant don’t have shit on this guy.

Not a good day for the role models of America

You hear it all the time how athletes are these awesome role models and all. Well, yesterday’s events may make kids anywhere and everywhere reconsider their heroes.

Washington Redskins’ safety Sean Taylor is looking at a potential of 46 years for spitting in the face of Michael Pittman, while former UNLV standout and NBA dunk contest winner, Isaiah Rider, was arrested on charges of kidnapping. Fucking kidnapping!

Taylor, who allegedly threatened three people with a gun in an armed confrontation over — get this — an all-terrain vehicle on June 1, had two more assault charges filed against him yesterday. The 22-year-old faces three counts of aggravated assault, which, if convicted, could mean a lot of time being someone’s bitch in the clink. (The spitting won’t merit jail time, but he may want to consider not ever doing that again).

But let’s back up a second. What the fuck was Taylor doing pulling a gun over a confrontation over some ATV? Did they skip his turn getting a ride on the sand dunes? As for 46 years…whoa. The chances of him serving those years are minimal. He’s a star athlete and star athletes don’t go to jail and especially don’t drop the soap in the prison shower if they happen to end up there. I mean, Ray Lewis killed a guy and they gave him a slap on the wrist and a pack of Twizzlers for his wrongdoing.

As for Rider…kidnapping! Really? That’s pretty messed up. He always had a troubled career, really adding to the whole Jail Blazers thing while in Portland. He’s been busted before for being late to practice, spitting at fans (Sean Taylor-esque coincidentally) and smoking weed. But this takes the cake. He better have a really good lawyer and really good excuse (like that he was high as shit or something) to move on from this blunder. Bail’s been set at $2 million, so he better get selling those drugs.

In other news: In a PR-move to sound even tougher, The Anaheim Mighty Ducks have decided to drop the “Mighty” from their name and just be called “The sissy-ass dudes in teal.”

Like she’s a Seahawks’ fan

Welcome to Fairweather, USA, home of your Super Seahawks. The word is out that Fairweather, USA (also known in some social circles as Seattle) is home to, well, fairweather fans.

I live in this wonderful city filled with (enter your favorite caffeine, grunge music and shitty weather cliché here). Missing from the bunch is just terrible, terrible fans.

You could feel the excitement here in the city last Sunday when the ‘Hawks clinched their first Super Bowl since the existence of birds. But this town is loaded with bandwagon jumpers, fairweather fans, and people who cheer, but don’t know what the fuck a sea hawk is.

Exhibit A:

Gearing up to watch the NFC Championship game, my roommate (naturally a girl — sorry to those readers who are women, but on second thought, I probably don’t have any of those) asked where I was watching the game. I explained that I preferred to watch alone or with one or two buddies, so we could actually watch the game. She said she was going to a bar and I asked why. She said to watch the game because she was sooooo excited. And on que, she proceeds to ask who is playing. I nearly pulled a Sean Locklear and strangled her ass. And she’s not the only one in this town. People have come out of the woodworks to show their support. I like that people are excited, but I would prefer if they knew why they were excited.

Exhibit B:

Where the fuck are the flags? So they’re flying a 12th Man flag atop the Space Needle, but aside from that, I’ve seen none. What happened to folks hanging flags in the window of their home, or small ones from their cars? The support extends to an occasional conversation about the Super Bowl. That’s about it. It’s only a big deal around here if it’s a part of some social scene.

Exhibit C:

(If you think of something good, leave a comment, and it will be added here).

Sure the fans at the games are loud, but outside Qwest Field, they are few and far between. If the Seahawks win XL, I want to see people crying with joy. If they lose, I want to see the same fucking tears.

In other news: Sources have announced that the “K” in Coach Krzyzewski is, in fact, silent.