Vince Young: ‘Yeah, I’m that dumb’

INDIANAPOLIS — Texas quarterback Vince Young is rumored to have scored a six on his Wonderlic test, which is well below the average.

But reports have surfaced that Young is not phased that he did poorly on the intelligence test.

“I fucked that thing right up,” said Young, who’s thought to be a top-five pick. “It don’t matter how smart I am, as long as I can play.”

While sending a poor message to the youth of America, Young has a point.

Last year’s top overall pick, Alex Smith, scored a 40 out of a possible 50 points on his test.

“Alex be real smart,” said Young, illiterate. “But look at him. He suck. Suck shit. I whoop ‘is ass.”

USC’s Matt Leinart, also a projected top-five pick, scored a 35 on his exam.

“There were no ballroom dancing questions,” said Leinart.


“But still, I’m a smart guy. And fucking great looking.”

“He ain’t smart,” responded Young. “He’s a dumb cracker-ass bitch.”

Reporters were not sure what a “cracker-ass bitch” was, but Young said that it is not served with soup at the local diner.

In other news: Kevin Garnett has been fined $5,000 for throwing his soft drink on Ron Artest.


White Sox GM: ‘He’s an idiot’

TUCSON, Ariz. — Former Chicago White Sox slugger, Frank Thomas, and White Sox GM, Kenny Williams, are having an elementary-school fight.

“He’s an idiot. He’s selfish. That’s why we don’t miss him,” Williams told the Associated Press.

Despite signing with the Oakland Athletics last month, Thomas has made it clear that he didn’t appreciate the way his 16-year run with the White Sox ended.

“He’s a dickhead,” said Thomas of his former GM. “I mean, here I am, the ‘big fucking hurt.’ And this guy just shoves me aside like he doesn’t know I’ve won two MVPs.”

Williams is unhappy that Thomas is still talking about his former team.

“He just needs to move on,” said Williams. “He can’t keep living in the past. Sure he was great — he was a true star in this league — but shit, when was the last time he did anything productive?”

Thomas hit .219 with 12 homers in 105 at-bats last season and was hampered by a bad foot and ankle.

“I’m healthy now,” said Thomas. “Real healthy. Just ask any cute girl in the Bay (Area) if I’m healthy. They’ll say, “ya, he healthy all right.'”

They don’t call him the “Big Hurt” for nothing.

In other news: Sources say that those scoring Vince Young’s Wonderlic test are from the state of Florida.

The future of the University of Washington

This kid is our hero. Go Dawgs!

Nolan: ‘It’s like winning the lottery’

SAN FRANCISCO — It won’t show up in the standings, but give the 49ers a “victory.”

By virtue of identical 4-12 records and the same opponents’ winning percentage (.539), the Raiders and 49ers tied for sixth and seventh in draft order. The tie was broken Friday with the coin flip, as San Francisco vice president of player personnel Scot McCloughan won with a call of “tails.”

“This is huge,” said an ecstatic Mike Nolan. “I mean, we’re going to fucking stink next year, but now we’ll stink a bit less.”

The 49ers drafted first overall in last year’s draft and took quarterback Young Alex Smith.

“It puts us one slot ahead of where we might have been and we can take a player we have our eye on,” McCloughan told ESPN’s Len Pasquarelli.

The 49ers are eyeing Virginia tackle D’Brickashaw Ferguson, Ohio State linebacker A.J. Hawk, and Maryland tight end Vernon Davis.

Added Nolan: “And that player has gotta be D’Brick. C’mon, his fucking name is D’Brickashaw! I’m not letting the front office fuck up the draft again and pull an Alex Smith Part Two. I just won’t have any of it.”

San Francisco was in position to have the first overall pick in April’s draft for the second straight year with two games to play, but then the 49ers won two in a row, sliding down to sixth.

“I look back on those two wins at the end of the season and I know we shot ourselves in the foot,” said Nolan. But I’ve never won the lottery and now I know the feeling. Going from seventh to sixth is the closest thing to winning I’ve ever felt. I don’t give a shit about those two wins now. This just feels incredible.”

Norv Turner update: The 49ers have moved up to the sixth selection and Norv Turner will be right there to help blow the pick.

Rainman scores 20 points, babes

There are good stories, feel-good stories, and now this, which tops ’em all. (A few days late, of course).

Jason McElwain, a senior and huge basketball fan who suffers from autism, has served as the team manager for Greece Athena High School in New York for the last four seasons. Because the kid liked basketball so much, he would pass out towels, juice boxes and orange slices to the actual players. Coach Jim Johnson, the noble fellow he is, decided to dress McElwain in a uniform for the team’s last game with the thought that maybe he could get McElwain a minute or so of playing time on Senior Night.

Well, it happened and McElwain lit it up. In four minutes of action, he went 6-10 from three-point land and finished with 20 points. The players, fans and probably the other team were going fucking nuts. After the game was over, the students stormed the court and McElwain was carried off the floor on his teammates’ shoulders like the true winner he is.

This is absolutely unbelievable! Not only is this more touching than a handjob, but what the fuck is the kid doing shooting 10 3’s in four minutes? Isiah Thomas could use his services.

But let’s not take anything away from this guy. This is better than anything Hollywood could possibly come up with. The sexual background of McElwain is not known, but we’ll assume — for our sake and for his — that the kid got laid after his unforgettable performance.

In other news: Sources say Miami Dolphins coach Nick Saban is offering his support to Ricky Williams because he is trying to hook up with Williams’ dealer.

Kobe Bryant plays QB at Navy

Not really, of course, but this story screams Kobe and Eagle County, Colorado.

According to the hardworking folks at the Associated Press, Lamar Owens, quarterback of Navy’s 2005 football squad, has been charged with raping a female midshipmen last month in her dorm room.

Now this isn’t just another case of an athlete breaking the law. Because this little mishap went down on what they’re calling “academy grounds,” Owens was charged under the Uniform Code of Military Justice, and the investigation is being handled by the Naval Criminal Investigation Service (NCIS) — you know, like the TV show.

It’s not clear what the punishment will be, but, if convicted, maybe he’ll be like deported or something.

The more we think about this, the more we think that this is

1. Terrible and
2. Who would be hot enough to nail at the Naval Academy? G.I. Jane hanging out there now?

This post was financed by Kobe Bryant and his PR group.

The best student sections

Our former employers at SI On Campus have come out with a list of the top-10 student sections in college basketball.

Normally we wouldn’t give a shit about this, but our very own Washington Huskies clock in at #8 in the country. Also, the douche bag who wrote about the Huskies’ Dawg Pack is this guy we kind of know and is mind-blowingly handsome.

We won’t publish the list, because that’s, well, probably illegal, but check out the link above.

Looking at the compilation, we had some gripes with it, aside from UW not being #1, of course. For instance, Rutgers is #7 on the list. Until now, we didn’t know that Rutgers actually had a basketball team.

Florida comes in at #5. Why? Not too sure here. But we do know that their court looks like something the fucking Harlem Globetrotters would play on.

Naturally Duke and the “Cameron Crazies” were the top student section and pretty much for good reason. A great student section, but it’s Duke after all, so screw ’em.

In other news: New York Knicks’ GM Isiah Thomas admitted that he traded for Steve Francis because it was the closest thing to actually murdering Larry Brown.