Hansbrough just needs some booty, education

Tyler Hansbrough, freshman/alien on the North Carolina basketball team, said Thursday he’ll skip the NBA draft and return for his sophomore season at UNC. We don’t know why he made this decision, but we’re guessing he had a conversation something like this:

Friend (also an alien): So Tyler, you think you’re comin’ back next year?
Tyler: I’m thinkin’ about it. I bet I call pull some sweet Carolina pussy if I come back.
Friend: But what if the only thing you’re pulling is a groin?
Tyler: Like because I’m having too much intercourse?
Friend: No, fucknut, because you injure yourself on the court, which could hurt your draft stock for next year’s draft.
Tyler: I probably won’t, though. Besides, I really wanna get laid.
Friend: If you go pro you’ll be makin’ millions and could pay to get laid.
Tyler: You mean pay my momma?
Friend: Wow, Tyler, you are a fucking retard.
Tyler: I think I’m gonna to come back to school because I’m still pissed that Jai-tea Lewis and George Mason beat the shit out of us in the tourney.
Friend: Dude, but think: in the NBA, you can have a “sweatheart” in every city!
Tyler: I’m afraid though that my teammates would make fun of my bug eyes.
Friend: Well, that’s a given. You have the most gigantic fucking eyes known to man, beast or alien.
Tyler: Yeah, I have some large eyes. But I think I’m gonna stay in school. I get reacharounds from Coach W. after every practice and sometimes when we play at Duke.
Friend: Does he give a good handjob?
Tyler: The best.
Friend: Oh, does he only give them to players?
Tyler: I’m not sure…But anyway, I’m going back to Carolina.
Friend: Suit yourself, pal.
Tyler: I’m not wearing a suit.

Clearly, Hansbrough is returning to school because he has the intelligence of a potato . It’s unclear as to whether he’s ever paid his mother for sex, but the possibility exists.

-Adam Landres-Schnur wrote about 95% of this post. He didn’t finish because he realized the NIT Championship was on. He admires South Carolina coach, Dave Odom, very much. Really, he does.


‘He’s the new Indiana coach!?’

We here at the Big Picture usually don’t have any problems forming an opinion. Kobe Bryant, for instance, will be a really good basketball player (rapist) until he dies, as far as we’re concerned.

Then we heard that the University of South Carolina (USC — no, not that one, though Matt Leinart was seen there frolicking with hot chicks) won its second straight NIT in New York Thursday night.

Really, we just don’t know how to feel about this.

On one hand, you have a team that plays great under tournament pressure, going on an impressive run to cut down the nets at Madison Square Garden.

On the other, shit-palmed hand, you have a team who can’t even make the real tournament and is getting way too used to having bragging rights about being No. 66.

What we do know is that Gamecocks’ (oh, and we’re so fucking sick of those hats that say ‘Cocks’ on them. That’s not how you spit game, fellas.) head coach Dave ‘Weirdo’ Odom has fighting words (like a Gamecock, we presume) for the Indiana athletic department.

“I win two straight NITs and I don’t even get a lousy phone call?” he said after the 76-64 win over Michigan Thursday. “Kelvin (Sampson) loses in the first round and wears denim shirts and gets the job? He’s the new Indiana coach? Weird.”

Making things more complicated is that Odom also won the NIT in 2000 when coaching Wake Forest, where, coincidentally, he turned into a Demon Deacon. His solid 21-3 NIT career record furthers our predicament.

We’re still trying to decide if winning consecutive NIT titles is bogus. Feel free to weigh in on this one, ‘cause we sure as hell can’t make up our minds.

In other news: BALCO dude Victor Conte said Thursday that he didn’t supply Barry Bonds with any steroids, just lots of cupcakes.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

In other news:

A long list of them by UW’s most famed hooker:

-The Timberwolves’ Kevin Garnett said Tuesday, “I don’t want to go through this anymore,” referring to the difficulty he’s recently had feeding Latrell Sprewell’s family on $14 million.

-LeBron James scored 46 in Cleveland’s win over Dallas Wednesday night, while his mother scored a .08.

– George Mitchell, the former U.S. Senate majority leader, is heading the MLB steroid investigation because he’s somehow related to Victor Conte.

– Seahawks head coach Mike Holmgren is mulling retirement (due to the officiating at the Super Bowl) and is considering becoming a zebra. It’s believed his mustache told him to do so.

– Notre Dame safety Tom Zbikowski will make his boxing debut June 10 against an Irish guy who fights.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

A word from our sponsors

Yeah! We got sponsors. Well, sort of. (It’s not exactly plural. Just one sponsor…but more to come). Our good friends at Online Poker Rakeback are gonna help us out and we’re gonna return the favor. (No, not with a reach-around you sick fucks).

Here’s the deal, folks. You go to Online Poker Rakeback, sign up for an account, gamble away your life savings, and yours truly gets some cash to start the life savings account. Really, your money will become our money. Fun, huh?

IMPORTANT: May sure you use the referral code: “The Big Picture.” That’s how OPR knows it’s us and how we can get some money. So make sure to use “The Big Picture” as your referral code. (If you forget, just check OPR’s banner in the sidebar of our site, below the “Archives” section.)

All OPR does is basically give you free money. Say you created a poker account directly at a poker room (like Full Tilt, Party Poker, etc.), you would get back $0 in rakeback. If you create an account using Online Poker Rakeback, you will get 27%rakeback. Meaning, if you paid $1000 in rake, you’d get $270 back. See, free money!

So got to Online Poker Rakeback, create an account there and then start playing poker. You could be the next Greg Raymer. But don’t buy those silly glasses.

Phillies’ fans must like cock (fighting)

We’re a day late on this story, but that’s nothing new for us.

Via Mr. Irrelevant and Deadspin comes a tale of those crazy Philadelphia Phillies.

The fine PR folks at Phillies’ headquarters thought it would be a good idea to send out a promotional DVD to season ticket holders to help sell tickets, generate excitement for the upcoming season and help fans repress the fact that reliever Ugueth Urbina attempted to kill some farmers with a machete last year.

Phillies’ fans likely expected to see first base sensation Ryan Howard plow homers (among other things) on the free DVD, but instead they saw an extended video of cock fighting! In Spanish!

According to Mr. Irrelevant, the team sent out 4,000 of these videos with cocks beating the fuck out of each other and the Phillies have only heard two complaints. Perhaps the team would sell more tickets if they put nine cocks on the field instead of, you know, the actual team.

In other news: Details are still fuzzy on the Duke lacrosse rape story, but police have said their prime suspect at this point is Kobe Bryant.

To read today

What to read while you drink some Kool-Aid with Joakim Noah:

YAY Sports! – These fellas got all the Final Four teams right! Wow. They’re not full of shit or anything.

The Hater Nation – Will Aaron Brooks save the day for the Raiders? Just ask our homeboy, Lil’ Hater.

Mr. Irrelevant – He was in D.C. for the Regional Semis and Finals. Wow! Real reporting. Cool.

Deadspin – They were mentioned in Sports Illustrated. Now that’s big time.

Insomniac’s Lounge – He’s the only UCLA fan we know. Congrats! (We guess…fucking Bruins).

The Sports Page – Jeff’s got the best banner in the biz. Now if only he’d make one for us… (nudge, nudge).

The Mighty MJD – This story is old, but perhaps the funniest thing we’ve ever read.

The Sports Pulse – They dig deep to find famous alum from George Mason. The results are by no means impressive.

Romar: ‘My dreams are getting bigger’

SEATTLE, Wash. — After four years of coaching the University of Washington men’s basketball team, Lorenzo Romar has decided to reach for new heights.

“I think the Final Four would be cool,” Romar told sources, “but enough of this basketball shit. It’s just too emotionally draining. So, starting now, I’m turning my focus to politics.”

Romar did not discuss what office, if any, he was planning on running for, and did not seem to even know when the next election is, but he was to be taken seriously. He also left in unclear whether or not he’d coach UW next season.

“Lynn (Swann) is running for the governor of Pennsylvania,” said Romar. “And look at the guy. He could catch passes ok, but he was a fucking terrible sideline-reporter. If he can run for office, so can I.”

The support for Romar, despite the thin political background, would be tremendous.

“I don’t give a shit if he doesn’t know the difference between a republican and a democrat,” said a member of the Dawg Pack. “Romar’s the fuckin’ man.”

Added another fan: “I’d vote for Coach (Romar) in a sec. Just look at the guy. He breathes success.”

The officiating of the Huskies’ Sweet 16 loss to Connecticut does not seem to be a factor in Romar’s decision.

“Sure, the refs sucked, but that’s the nature of the game,” said Romar. “But in politics, you control the shots yourself. No damn zebras will be getting in my way. I just can’t wait. I haven’t been this excited since I first came to U-dub.”