Hansbrough just needs some booty, education

Tyler Hansbrough, freshman/alien on the North Carolina basketball team, said Thursday he’ll skip the NBA draft and return for his sophomore season at UNC. We don’t know why he made this decision, but we’re guessing he had a conversation something like this:

Friend (also an alien): So Tyler, you think you’re comin’ back next year?
Tyler: I’m thinkin’ about it. I bet I call pull some sweet Carolina pussy if I come back.
Friend: But what if the only thing you’re pulling is a groin?
Tyler: Like because I’m having too much intercourse?
Friend: No, fucknut, because you injure yourself on the court, which could hurt your draft stock for next year’s draft.
Tyler: I probably won’t, though. Besides, I really wanna get laid.
Friend: If you go pro you’ll be makin’ millions and could pay to get laid.
Tyler: You mean pay my momma?
Friend: Wow, Tyler, you are a fucking retard.
Tyler: I think I’m gonna to come back to school because I’m still pissed that Jai-tea Lewis and George Mason beat the shit out of us in the tourney.
Friend: Dude, but think: in the NBA, you can have a “sweatheart” in every city!
Tyler: I’m afraid though that my teammates would make fun of my bug eyes.
Friend: Well, that’s a given. You have the most gigantic fucking eyes known to man, beast or alien.
Tyler: Yeah, I have some large eyes. But I think I’m gonna stay in school. I get reacharounds from Coach W. after every practice and sometimes when we play at Duke.
Friend: Does he give a good handjob?
Tyler: The best.
Friend: Oh, does he only give them to players?
Tyler: I’m not sure…But anyway, I’m going back to Carolina.
Friend: Suit yourself, pal.
Tyler: I’m not wearing a suit.

Clearly, Hansbrough is returning to school because he has the intelligence of a potato . It’s unclear as to whether he’s ever paid his mother for sex, but the possibility exists.

-Adam Landres-Schnur wrote about 95% of this post. He didn’t finish because he realized the NIT Championship was on. He admires South Carolina coach, Dave Odom, very much. Really, he does.

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