Who the fuck is Chris Shelton?

(We will begin running a regular series called “Who the fuck is…?” here at our site. There are so many unknowns out there that we plan to make known. So enjoy Chris Shelton today and have fun with George Mason here. Any suggestions for future “WTFI…?” shoot us an email or drop off a comment).

The Internet is telling us that Shelton’s the 25-year-old, red-headed first baseman for the Detroit Tigers who is hitting the shit out of the baseball — .471 average and nine home runs through Monday (which tied him for second place for a record that someone, somewhere is keeping track of).

Shelton, in just his second full season, is making $365,000. Alex Rodriguez, meanwhile, (.298, three home runs) is making about 70 times “Red Pop’s” salary.

Our good friends at the Internet also told us that Red Pop was born in Salt Lake City and attended college at the University of Utah. We kinda doubt that he’s a Ute (a Native American tribe, we think), cuz, you know, he looks like Casper (that friendly ghost).

What we aren’t ruling out, however, is the possibility that Red Pop is actually Brigham Young.

We’ve never understood why teams like Notre Dame don’t win every championship in every sport. Seriously, how the fuck do you lose when you have Jesus on your side?

If this whole Brigham Young/Mormon thing is true, that might explain why Shelton (still, who the fuck is Chris Shelton!?) is on track to hit 936 home runs.

In Other News: Albert Pujols hit his fourth home run in as many at-bats yesterday and now is under investigation by George Mitchell and Major League Baseball.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

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3 Responses

  1. Im taking steroids at THE OHIO STATE, I play baseball there and I love the juice man. Dont knock these guys they still have to go up and hit against major league pitchers.

  2. Im taking steroids at THE OHIO STATE, I play baseball there and I love the juice man. Dont knock these guys they still have to go up and hit against major league pitchers.

  3. Im taking steroids at THE OHIO STATE, I play baseball there and I love the juice man. Dont knock these guys they still have to go up and hit against major league pitchers.
    0

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