Can’t we just win a lousy game?

We don’t often go on rants at this site. It’s not really our thing and it’s not fair to you, the reader. We also rarely talk about our favorite teams. We leave the Washington Huskies to our other site and we prefer not to discuss the San Francisco Giants here.

But today anything goes.

The team they used to call the Giants forgot to play baseball last week. They have lost seven-straight, with the last six (two sweeps) coming at the hands of the mighty Washington Nationals and Pittsburgh Pirates. Yeah, two cellar dwellers just wiped their asses with the Giants.

But as the trade deadline comes and passes today, the Giants are in a bind. They are playing well enough to beat a Little League team, but probably couldn’t escape a high school team. (And not an all-star high school team. Just the regular high school squad). They haven’t won in a week and have a team morale equivalent to that of the U.S. soccer team.

But, playing in the NL West, they’re only four games behind first-place San Diego. So they’re right in the thick of things despite playing uninspired baseball. So what does the Giants’ dumbass GM decide to do? Well, likely nothing.

Though we think it’s time to sell, sell, sell. Even Grant, over at the mighty McCovey Chronicles thinks it may be time to lay it down. And Jason Schmidt has gotta be that guy. Pitchers are a hot commodity and there are few good ones available this season.

To give up a front-line guy like Schmidt, the Giants could come away with young, major-league-ready talent. Schmidt, who’s a free agent at the end of the year anyway, is likely gone. So trade him now, get overpaid for him and start thinking towards Notthisyear. It seems too obvious, right?

Well, Brian Sabean has been known to do non-obvious things, like trade for a dickhead catcher and give up Francisco Liriano, Joe Nathan and the best first name in baseball, Boof Bonser.

And then there’s manager Felipe Alou who’s about as bright as this breakfast cereal. (Drop a comment if you get the reference. Don’t worry if you don’t. It’s a local thang). Alou makes three pitching changes an inning, always opts for the righty vs. righty matchup rather than going with the hot-hand and rather than having an ace up his sleeve, he has the two of spades.

There’s just not a whole lot that makes sense in Giants camp these days. But hey, it’s baseball. Just baseball. Oh wait, excuse us while we vomit.

In other baseball news: The Phillies traded Bobby Abreu and Cory Lidle to the Yankees Sunday for a “night on the town” with New York manager Joe Torre.


Would you do…Linda Cohn?

Why we might:

The easy answer: She’s Jewish. C’mon, you know what that means: likes to drink, likes to party, likes to take it in the pooper fool around. But being Jews ourselves, we’ve come to know such women rather well (wink, wink). And we know they don’t put up a very good fight against dudes who hit on them. Get it? Huh, well do ya? THEY’RE FREAKIN’ SLUTS! No reason to think Cohn is any different.

The more in-depth answer: The fine folks at Wikipedia tell us that this SportsCenter anchor played on her high school’s ice hockey team. We’re banking on Cohn still having the uni. If she does, there is great role-play potential here. Include the stick and we could get some freaky violent shit going on.

Why we might not:

The easy answer: Born November 10, 1959. 1959. That’s like before Dinosaurs roamed the earth. (Or cavemen, if you ask Carl Everett.)

The more in-depth answer: Age is one thing, aging is another. We’ve watched Cohn through the years, and as the age has gone up, the makeup layering has come on. We wouldn’t be at all surprised if she looked like this guy when she’s au natural (that’s french). Face lifts can’t be ruled out in her past or near future, either. This anchor used to be a babe in the ’90s, but the makeup is slathered on thicker than the layer of condoms you’ll need if you want to go through with it.

The answer: We’re pretty sure we could do her considering the Jewish background, but that’s not enough for wanting to do her. A hockey-playing childhood lets the imagination wander to pretty great places — places so great (we’re really thinking a full-on beating with the hockey stick) to make this a “yes” vote. But the Long Islands will have to come in pairs (we see the 2-for-1 Happy Hour special applying). We’ll go ahead and say if we pounded nine stiff ones in 20 minutes or less she’d be worth a screw.

All right, folks. Your turn to decide if Andrews is worth a cheap screw: post a simple “Y” (for yes, “I’d run through that shit”), or “N” (for no, “I wouldn’t touch that with a 10 foot pole”) in the comments sections.


-Adam Landres-Schnur

Another Bengal in trouble with the law

And here’s the story.

True Ramonce wants to transfer, smoke weed everyday

We’ve touched on Texas Longhorn running back Ramonce Taylor often. Some may recall that he had a run-in with some police on a pecan farm a few months back. He then proceeded to get arrested because he possessed 5 ounces pounds of marijuana.

But we mention True Ramonce again, not because he was

a. dealing drugs
b. smoking drugs
c. dealing and smoking drugs
d. feeling inferior to Nate Newton’s 213 pounds of pot,

but because he’s planning on transferring. Our boy has had all sorts of academic problems as well as the run-ins with pecans, err, the law. Though in his statement, True Ramonce quoted Frederick Douglass. Yeah, Fred fucking Douglass. That seems pretty educated to us.

Specifics of the transfer are unclear at this point, though we think The U, that has pumped out such allies of the law as Ray Lewis, Sean Taylor and the fellas from The Seventh Floor Crew, would be a good fit.

Though our homie the Tar Heel, over at YAYsports! NCAA thinks Jamaica — you know, the country — would be a better bet.

We’ll just have to wait and see, won’t we.

In other news: The Dodgers traded Odalis Perez to Kansas City Tuesday for a package of double-stuffed Oreos.

Barbaro’s hanging in there and perhaps fooling us all

There’s not much recent news regarding everybody’s favorite colt, Barbaro. There’s a week-old article suggesting that Barbaro is stable, but still, the outcome’s not looking great.

Though we did hear from Barbaro last week and the news was encouraging. He was in good spirits and likely still is. But the Mighty MJD, in an award-winning post last week, suggested that perhaps Barbaro really isn’t so damn heroic after all and the whole thing is just a ruse.

Says MJD,

“This whole injury thing may be an elaborate ruse that he’s staging because he’s unhappy with the amount of apples that he’s provided every day. In fact, he might be faking the whole goddamn thing. I don’t trust Barbaro. Not even for a second. He’s suspect.”

This is really starting to make sense. What if Barbaro really faked the entire thing? Sure, the injury looked bad, but who knows, maybe the doc told him he had a twisted ankle, had to sit out the Belmont, and would be fine after that.

But Barbaro, sly as a fox, told the doc that it really hurt and told the horse-equivalent of Dr. Kevorkian to tell the media that he’s really messed up.

Stay with us here, folks.

Barbaro’s hanging out in the horsey hospital, getting all sorts of attention, watching hot women take on horses on TV from his hospital bed, and getting treated like a fucking rockstar. He’s gonna try to milk this thing for all it’s worth. Right?

So maybe MJD’s right. Why should we trust Barbaro? He was certainly amicable in his letter to all of us, but still. Any horse can turn it on for the fans. He was saying all sorts of nice things, but he really could have just been thinking, “can’t these people just leave me the fuck alone?”

Norv Turner Update: It’s mid-July, training camps are in sight, and, yes, somehow Norv Turner is still employed by the San Francisco 49ers.

In other news: The White Sox acquired Kansas City closer Mike MacDougal Monday in exchange for technology that will erase any memory of KC’s season.

Williams hurt; will seek medicinal marijuana for pain

Ok, so the part about the medicinal marijuana we made up. But c’mon, what’s a post about Ricky Williams without a pot joke?

Williams broke his arm Saturday and is undergoing surgery to fix it as we speak. What the hell is Ricky doing playing football in July, you may ask. Well, if you remember, he’s being paid by the ounce to play for the Toronto Argonauts.

Williams hasn’t exactly been a hit — get it? hit! — in Toronto. He’s averaging less than 60 yards a game and attendance in Toronto is down by over 3,000.

Guess that’s what happens when you sit out on an NFL contract, kick it with monks and prefer the wrong kind of grass. Ain’t karma a bitch?

Now he’s hurt, adding injury to, um, a poor yards per carry average. But sitting out is Ricky’s favorite part about football. It’s just one more excuse to have a night in with Cheech, Chong and “True” Ramonce Taylor.
In other news: Floyd Landis won the Tour de France Sunday after removing his left testicle “for fun.”

Update: Hillenbrand a Giant

Yesterday we said that Hillenbrand would not end up on a team with a hard-ass manager. Well folks, Felipe Alou is not your hard-ass manager.

Hillenbrand was traded to the Giants Friday for reliever Jeremy Accardo in a three-player deal.

So this is what it feels like to put your foot in your mouth.

In other news: Tiger Woods kept his one-stroke lead in the British Open after having a relaxing night of dinner and a movie with his wife.