St. Louis, we have a problem…

…And that problem is trying to hold off the resilient baseball team from Houston.

The Cardinals, who were swept over the weekend by the Astros, haven’t won for about six weeks, and the Astros seem to be winning every day (each streak is at seven, by the way).

What was a seven-game NL Central lead a week ago is now down to a game and a half. The Cardinals are just 80-76, and claim they don’t play in the NL West.

What this collapse has led to is chaos in baseball’s best city.

“I’m going to go home, pour myself a double scotch neat, and put my grandpa’s old revolver on the kitchen table,” a St. Louis diehard, who wished to remain anonymous, said after yesterday’s 7-5 loss to San Diego. “I don’t know what’s going to happen. Just tell my wife I love her.”

Hold on, “anonymous.” You are still winning the division. It probably doesn’t feel that way, but spare your family for at least a few more days. Save the suicide for Sunday if the Cards do indeed complete the meltdown.

But scotch, gun, kitchen table? How cliché.

No members of the Astros were available to comment on what effect this late-season surge could have on midwestern families in the coming days.

But we believe Roger Clemens would have this to say to any Cards fans of Asian decent.

Should be a lively crowd at Busch today. Anthony Reyes (5-7, 4.92 ERA) on the hill for the Red Birds against San Diego’s Chris Young (within two outs of no-hitter last outing).

On second thought, having the gun out isn’t such a bad idea.

In other news: Arizona coach Dennis Green is sticking with Kurt Warner as his quarterback after Matt Leinart refused to give him Paris Hilton’s phone number in exchange for a start.

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