Nick Lachey likes wood

That, ladies and gentlemen, is what we in the newspaper business call a misleading headline. But hey, this is a satirical site, so hell, while we’re at it: Nick Lachey likes long sticks. See, satire is fun!

As it turns out (and this is where being truly observant pays offs), Nich Lachey of Jessica Simpson — and absolutely no other — fame, is wearing a Tacoma Rainiers jersey and has become a part owner of the team. The Rainiers, who are named after the mountain, we presume, opposed to the beer, are a Seattle Mariners affiliate.

So a guy who was married to a hot chick partially buys a AAA team. Puzzled? Yeah, that’s the emotion we think we’re feeling.

For starters, Lachey isn’t from Tacoma, “the waterfront city 30 mile south of Seattle,” as the SI article says.

(Being Seattleites, we’re somewhat familiar with Tacoma. And we can think of a few euphemisms slightly more fitting than “waterfront city.” Like: TacTown, the ghetto and the waterfront city drowning in the blood of gang violence. Tacoma, by the way, looks like this.)

Considering what you now know about TacTown, let’s review:

Lachey likes baseball. OK. Lachey likes baseball enough to invest in a minor league team. Still OK. Lachey, a Reds fan, becomes 1/3 owner of a Mariners team. Less OK, but still tolerable. Lachey has no Washington state ties, but has performed at the Tacoma Dome. Weird, but OK. Lachey buys into team from TacTown.

About the only thing missing here is Matthew McConaughey’s impending involvement.

By the way, Jenny from PR just bought some blow with her bonus from this big-time public relations move. Expect her new house to be in “the waterfront city 30 miles south of Seattle.”


The Dennis Green Survival Rating

We’re running a new feature here at The Big Picture, called the Dennis Green Survival Rating. Because Green’s chair is so ass-burning hot, we thought we’d take a weekly look at how Green is surviving as coach of the Arizona Cardinals.

Much like EDSBS’s Chuck Amato Survival Meter, the Dennis Green Survival Rating will analyze just how screwed Green is by comparing him to royalty. Why royalty? Because, “if you want to crown ’em, crown their ass.” When Green reaches the “King” level, he’s as good as fired.

Denny’s chair had cooled off. Things were good. Times were calm. Green was happy.

The Cardinals coach had dropped all the way down to the Jester Level last week and seemed to be heading in the right direction.

But after losing 31-26 to Minnesota, Green’s ass is nice and spicy again. We’ll knock him back up to the Queen Level after losing in a stadium where he once coached pretty well.

He’s like Queen Elizabeth II. She’s still in power, having reigned over England for over 50 years. Green’s tenure is not even close to that, but both have something in common: people want them out. Elizabeth needs to hand over the crown and Green may just want to hand over the whistle. If he has one. He may not.

A balanced offense may have helped Green win games with the Vikings, but not so much with the Cards. Arizona had 5 rushes for 17 yards Sunday, while Matt Leinart threw 51 times and likely planted his seed in some Scandinavian broad.

It’s just a matter of time now before Green is out. But if the 2-9 squad can get another win or two, maybe Green, for the sake of football fans and hecklers everywhere, will last through the season.

In other news: North Carolina beat Ohio State 98-89 Wednesday but may get a rematch on Jan. 8 in Glendale, Ariz.

Hide the men and children; the women are on the attack

Nothing says youth sports these days like brawls, riots or fire arms.

Youth hockey fans in Rome, New York (hmm, misleading name for a city, no?) got a bit out of hand Tuesday. During the game between 13- and 14-year-olds (13 and 14!), a brawl broke out in the stands resulting in an injured man and the arrests of two women.

A guy named Raymond Pink, who undoubtedly has (or had) a career in the Adult Film Industry, got his skull fractured. And two women, Christin J. Wilbur, 34, and Diann M. Williams, 40, were arrested.

Ok. Stay with us for a second. This gal, Christin (minus 2 for the fucked up spelling), is 34 and she’s at a game of 13- and 14-year-old hockey players. Either she’s an older sister, a very young mother (she would’ve given birth at age 20 or 21), a woman who’s down with statutory rape, or she’s an outsider. (Dun dun dun… — that’s how you write scary music, by the way.)

Wilbur, who’s from Ohio, started this mess in a small New York town? Seems like a ways to go to watch some little kids skate.

Our theory? We’re convinced Wilbur is an Ohio State alum and got pissed she couldn’t flip a car or ignite a couch in Columbus, so she came to New York to start a brawl. Zero holes in that logic. None.

There apparently was a fight on the ice before the brawl in the stands, so the kids aren’t out of the woods. The article mentioned the team names and we were hugely disappointed to find out that the teams weren’t the Mighty Ducks and their archrival Hawks. We hate the Hawks! Bunch of savages.

(Big ups to reader Kickers_Suck for the tip).

In other news: Michael Vick was fined $10k for flipping the bird and will donate another $10k to a herpes charity of his choice.

Whoa Nellie!

And just when football fans in the Bay Area are rethinking if jigsaw puzzles would be a better hobby than watching sports, the pro basketball team is turning heads.

The Golden State Warriors, an NBA team (if you only follow the NBA during the playoffs, you may not know that), are starting to put the ball in the basket more frequently than their opponent.

After a big win Monday, beating the San Antonio Spurs (you know of them, playoff watchers) 111-102, the Warriors are 9-6 and have won two consecutive games at the hands of two pretty good teams, Utah and the aforementioned Spurs.

There is lots of praise to go around. Monta Ellis (look him up) is playing well, Jason Richardson is always a spark, but we’ll discuss former lottery pick Mike Dunleavy.

The stats don’t really tell the story, but while his playing time is down a bit, his steals and field goal percentage are up. He’s not scoring 25 points per game, but he’s doing the little things and has the timing that is helping the Warriors beat good teams.

But when Dunleavy was in college, he was a clean-cut white boy who’d had every advantage in the world. Well, he still has every advantage a kid can ask for. But have you seen him lately? The guy got mugged by the ugly stick. Hey, they say Oakland can be a rough area.

As you can see from the above photo, Dunleavy has grown his hair out a bit. He likes wine too, it seems. He also looks a bit satanic and, so it goes, isn’t very friendly to reporters. He looks mean, he looks ugly, he looks beaten. But with his increased ugliness, he also has had an increase in skill.

Let the graph explain.

Perhaps there’s a general correlation in basketball as a whole. Just look what Adam Morrison did at Gonzaga last year, when he grew his hair out and looked like a cross between a Beatle and a Spanish pornstar.

Dunleavy, who was quite sheek in college, has had a turn for the worse in his physical appearance. But his skill has improved. And the Golden State Warriors are winning basketball games.

It’s a good time to be an Ohio State fan. If you like sports.

We all know about the football team. The Buckeyes are undefeated, will play in the BCS Championship Game on Jan. 8, and they just beat their huge rival, Michigan. Oh, and Troy Smith would have to miss a flight to New York not to win the Heisman.

While the football team is the unanimous top football team in the land, the basketball team is right up there too.

The men’s basketball team, with super-frosh Greg Oden still sidelined by injury, is the top-ranked team in the USA Today/ESPN poll. The Ohio State University is No. 3 in the AP poll.

Sure, there’s a lot of discussion who should be one, but for now, the Buckeyes are your top team in a certain poll.

Just imagine being a Buckeyes fan right now.

Heckler: You guys suck.
OSU fan: Ugh, no we don’t.
Heckler: Your basketball team is weak.
OSU fan: Ugh, no it’s not.
Heckler: Your law school blows.
OSU fan: Fuck you.

Good times in Columbus. Imagine the pride when you attend a game. You are watching the best team in its respective sport. Pretty cool, we’d imagine. Not that we’d know the feeling.

But hey, Washington would turn the OSU volleyball team on its fucking head.

In other news: Despite what your TV told you, the Monday Night Football game between the Seahawks and Packers actually took place in Green Bay.

Would you do…Pam Oliver?

Why we might:

The easy answer: DSLs (dick sucking lips).

The more in-depth answer: Oliver has just beautiful skin. She was described on some rate-it site as, “Tasty — very vanilla mocha like.”

Sounds good to us. We’re not exactly coffee drinkers, but we know that White Russians have a nice color to them.

Not visible in the photo — remarkably, now that we think of it — is Oliver’s ass. This thing is huuuggge! Ever been to Texas? Yeah, that big. (This is a wonderful thing, by the way).

Video footage doesn’t often have a place in a “Would you do…” post, but this one is too good not to show off Oliver’s luscious backside.

(Big-ups to Dave’s Football Blog for the ass shots).

Why we might not:

The easy answer: FOX.

The more in-depth answer: Oliver may have violent tendencies.

After Oliver said Keyshawn Johnson, then with Dallas, yelled at assistant coach Sean Payton, Keyshawn got pissed and said he was going to spank her with a fucking ruler.


When Oliver was asked what she’d do if Keyshawn tried to spank her, she said that she’d punch him the face.

So, we’re mildly concerned that Oliver could kick our ass, which is about as big of a turnoff as it gets; a strong chick who can fight can be hot, but when she could take down her hubby, problems arise.

The answer: We love the ass on Oliver — a perfect 10 — but we’re afraid we may get lost. Does a butt like that come with directions? Anyway, count us in. For the record, let’s call it 2 Long Islands. That’d be just enough liquid courage to get the confidence to explore the uncharted territory that is Oliver’s wonderful, gigantic butt.

All right, folks. Are you brave enough to get jiggy with Oliver’s salt shaker
? Post a simple “Y” (for yes, “I’d run through that shit”), or “N” (for no, “I wouldn’t touch that with a 10 foot pole”) in the comments sections. Also, feel free to add the number of Long Islands — if any — it would take for you to want to do the nasty with Oliver.

Standings (also found on right sidebar):

Rachel Nichols was 9 “yes” and 3 “no.”
Suzy Kolber was 11 “yes” and 2 “no.”
Melissa Stark was 12 “yes” 0 “no.”
Lisa Salters was 5 “yes” and 6 “no.”
Kit Hoover was 2 “yes” 1 “no.”
Erin Andrews was 14 “yes” and 1 “no.” (The one “no” was from NFL Adam who is being talked to about starring in Brokeback Mountain 2.)
Linda Cohn was 2 “yes and 6 “no.”
Bonnie Bernstein was 8 “yes” and 1 “no.”
Jeanne Zelasko was 2 “yes” and 3 “no.”
Andrea Kremer was 2 “yes” and 9 “no.”

In other news: After a tear-your-heart-out-and-kill-Eli-Manning-loss to Tennessee, the New York Giants know exactly who the Titans are.

Dennis Green is clearly influential