Chris Berman’s journal entry

Dear Diary,

It’s been a tough day. I know we’ve talked about this before, Diary, but some things are starting to get to my head.

Let me back, back, back up a bit. Things were going fine. Just gearing up for the NFL Draft, getting ready to hang out with Tom “good thing he isn’t Michael” Jackson and shoot the breeze with Mel and make fun of his hair.

Things were great in Bristol and then this website gets hold of a story from my distant past and now I’m the butt of many jokes. Another website even popped up with my tag line in the title.

Yeah, it’s that whole “You’re with me, Leather” thing. It’s just eating away at me. Even my kids are giving me a hard time about it. Those little fucks.

Sure, it’s not like it’s a derogatory story at all. Hell, in that tale, it’s like I’m Chris “you da” Ber-man all over again. I feel so alive when I think back to it.

Meanwhile, Tom has been really good to me though. He’s knows I’m under a lot of pressure to come up with nicknames and catch phrases. He knows that my Swami picks are a bit uninformed and way off lately. But he’s a good friend and a better listener. It’s like he knows what I’m going through. Maybe I’ll buy him a candy bar at the cafeteria tomorrow.

Oh, but Neil “don’t you” Everett “mention that again” has been such a dickwad about the whole thing. He practically called me out on national TV. I was so mad you could get a facial from the steam coming out of my head. I just wanted to go in front of the camera and tell the world he has a third testicle. I almost did. Would that have been bad, Diary? I’m better than that. I know. But I was just so angry.

I tried to calm myself by having a glass of wine and watching “Turner and Hooch.” You know how much I love that movie. That dog is just soooo cute. But that didn’t even work. I didn’t want to tell my wife why I was so mad. I just said it was a long day at work and Kiper reminded me I was balding. Asshole.

She knew though. Jeez, I just feel so bad and want this to all go rumblin’, bumblin’, stumblin’ away. I know it’s funny and it’s giving everyone such a laugh, but I feel like I’ve aged 30 years over the last seven months. Eeesh.

Oh well. Diary, it always helps talking to you and getting this off my chest. I’m a bit better now. And when I see Tom, I’ll let him know just how good a friend he is. Maybe we can even take a vacation together. I hear Scottsdale is nice…

Thanks Diary,
Chris “you da” Ber-man

In other news: The San Francisco 49ers may relocate after it was discovered that Monster Park is actually haunted by ghosts.


3 Responses

  1. My favorite part of that…

    “Let me back, back, back up a bit”

  2. “Hell, in that tale, it’s like I’m Chris “you da” Ber-man all over again.”

    HA! Brilliant! 😀

  3. Just want this to all go rumblin, bumblin, stumblin away.

    Haha all the berman-ism’s were great. Classic.

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