The Dennis Green Survival Rating

We’re running a new feature here at The Big Picture, called the Dennis Green Survival Rating. Because Green’s chair is so ass-burning hot, we thought we’d take a weekly look at how Green is surviving as coach of the Arizona Cardinals.

Much like EDSBS’s Chuck Amato Survival Meter, the Dennis Green Survival Rating will analyze just how screwed Green is by comparing him to royalty. Why royalty? Because, “if you want to crown ’em, crown their ass.” When Green reaches the “King” level, he’s as good as fired.

Denny’s chair had cooled off. Things were good. Times were calm. Green was happy.

The Cardinals coach had dropped all the way down to the Jester Level last week and seemed to be heading in the right direction.

But after losing 31-26 to Minnesota, Green’s ass is nice and spicy again. We’ll knock him back up to the Queen Level after losing in a stadium where he once coached pretty well.

He’s like Queen Elizabeth II. She’s still in power, having reigned over England for over 50 years. Green’s tenure is not even close to that, but both have something in common: people want them out. Elizabeth needs to hand over the crown and Green may just want to hand over the whistle. If he has one. He may not.

A balanced offense may have helped Green win games with the Vikings, but not so much with the Cards. Arizona had 5 rushes for 17 yards Sunday, while Matt Leinart threw 51 times and likely planted his seed in some Scandinavian broad.

It’s just a matter of time now before Green is out. But if the 2-9 squad can get another win or two, maybe Green, for the sake of football fans and hecklers everywhere, will last through the season.

In other news: North Carolina beat Ohio State 98-89 Wednesday but may get a rematch on Jan. 8 in Glendale, Ariz.

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