Chess player banned. No, not for steroids.

The number one rule in life is, “Don’t get caught.” And yes, the rule applies to chess players too.

Though Umakant Sharma wasn’t listening.

The Indian chess player has been banned for 10 years for cheating after he was caught using his mobile phone’s wireless device to win games, chess officials said on Wednesday.

Mr. Sharma was caught at a recent tournament when officials discovered that he had stitched a Bluetooth device in a cloth cap which he always pulled over his ears.

He communicated to his accomplices outside the hall, who then used a computer to relay moves to him, Indian chess federation secretary D.V. Sundar said on Wednesday.

Man, 10 years?! Eeesh. Makes you think that he’ll never get his crack at Bobby Fischer. (That was a chess joke. A bad one at that. Our apologies.) Sure it may be a generalization that all chess players are smart, but Sharma broke the number one rule. He got caught. And he’s going to pay. With blood. Ok, not blood. But he’s gonna pay.

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Smoot to have trouble playing, spitting game.

Put the lap dances on hold. One of our favorite characters might need to take a break from the strip clubs for a few weeks. Fred Smoot, of Love Boat fame, broke his jaw in five places in a single-car accident in Mississippi. Smoot was at home for the holidays, and most likely was on his way home from a gentlemen’s club when the accident occurred. No word on if he was sober or doing a Dontrelle impression.

Needless to say, Smoot won’t be playing in the Vikings’ final game on Sunday. Sadly, he’ll probably need to stay out of the strips also to make sure the jaw heals properly. In the meantime, he might need some special training in order to spit game the way he’s used to.

While it’s never good to see a player get knocked out of action, we’re resting easy knowing he’ll likely be healed in time for next summer’s annual boat cruise.

In other news: Chris Simms signed a two-year contract extension with Tampa Bay and will look to lose his kidney next.

Would you do…Heather Cox?

Why we might:

The easy answer: She was an Olympic volleyball player, meaning she must be pretty flexible which leads to creativity in the sack. She also probably has an in with Apolo Ohno other hot athlete babes. Oh, and her last time is Cox. Coxxx.

The more in-depth answer: Cox is a graduate of the one and only University of the Pacific, a small private school in Stockton, Calif., which, ironically, is nowhere near the ocean. There are about 36 people in the world who give half a shit about UOP, and we are one of them, and know four others.

See, we visit a buddy of ours at UOP every summer and this happens, then this happens. Good times. Since UOP holds such a special place in our heart, we’d definitely have to bang a gal who graduated from this fine institution.

Why we might not:

The easy answer: Heather Cox + sports reporting = verbal diarrhea.

The more in-depth answer: There’s something about Cox’s look that’s a little awkward. Maybe it’s too much make-up, or it’s just that her face looks kinda stretched out. Knowing UOP, we suspect there might be something else sorta stretched out too. She sorta looks like Linda Cohn, but less Jewish, which loses a few points in our book. Oh, and did we mention her last name is Cox?

The answer: By now you better know that we’d pretty much do anyone with a pulse. So yep, we would, but let’s call it 27 Long Islands to get past her strange appearance and to remind us of the splendor of UOP.

All right, folks. Your turn to decide if Cox (xx) is worth nailing: post a simple “Y” (for yes, “I’d run through that shit”), or “N” (for no, “I wouldn’t touch that with a 10 foot pole”) in the comments sections. Feel free to mention how many Long Islands you’d need to tell that angel on your shoulder to shut the fuck up and go plug up Cox.

Standings (also found on right sidebar):

Rachel Nichols was 9 “yes” and 3 “no.”
Suzy Kolber was 14 “yes” and 2 “no.”
Melissa Stark was 14 “yes” 0 “no.”
Lisa Salters was 8 “yes” and 6 “no.”
Kit Hoover was 4 “yes” 1 “no.”
Erin Andrews was 17 “yes” and 1 “no.” (The one “no” was from NFL Adam who is being talked to about starring in Brokeback Mountain 2.)
Linda Cohn was 8 “yes and 6 “no.”
Bonnie Bernstein was 8 “yes” and 1 “no.”
Jeanne Zelasko was 2 “yes” and 3 “no.”
Andrea Kremer was 2 “yes” and 9 “no.”
Pam Oliver was 17 “yes” and 5 “no.”

In other news: The Arizona Diamondbacks are interested in acquiring a big unit.

The Dallas Cowboys are unhappy

Ain’t losing a bitch? Especially on Christmas. Man, we almost feel bad for the Cowboys.

But then again, they’re from Dallas, have a one Terrell Owens playing for them, and likely make light of Native Americans. Just imagine a Bill Parcell’s pre-game speech.

“You guys are the cowboys and the Eagles are the fucking Indians. You know what cowboys do to Indians? They fucking slaughter them! Go play cowboys and Indians. Fuck yeah!”

Well at least Parcells won’t get any heat from us for his post-game thoughts. Though Terrell Owens, on the other hand, won’t escape our wrath. On dropping yet another pass, he had this to say:

“He bumped me way down the field,” Owens said, accusing safety Brian Dawkins of breaking the rules. “By the time I looked up and located the ball, it was right on me. … I thought they were going to throw a flag.”

Well boo fucking hoo. TO, who is more concerned with outing the winning quarterback then dropping passes from the losing one, should really take a lesson in losing. Rather than whine, TO, just cheat. You may as well at this point.

A playoff berth is a win over the Raiders away…

What Santa’s brining to the nice boys and girls…and America’s athletes

For Timmy, Santa probably will bring a brand new bike. Maybe he’ll slip some rubbers in to Timmy’s stocking as well, to keep him extra safe.

As for what Santa is bringing to some people we all care about:

Dennis Green: A fire extinguisher to cool his ass off from that burning chair.

-Matt Leinart: Medication to tame the herpes outbreaks.

Brady Quinn: An evening with the cast of The Full Monty.

-The Cincinnati Bengals: Some good lawyers

-Harold Reynolds: A gift card to Boston Market.

I’ll have a “brief and innocuous hug” with a side of mashed potatoes

Marcus Vick: A copy of the newest edition of Barely Legal.

-The cast of ESPN’s Around the Horn: The latest CD by the Talking Heads.

Listening to the Talking Heads beats Jay Mariotti any day

-The BCS: Only two undefeated teams and the critics to shut the fuck up about a playoff.

-Mike Vanderjagt: An idiot team to hire him.

-Bobby Bowden: A copy of The Internet for Dummies.

You kids must stop listening to the eBay

-Barbaro: Stronger legs. And some Elmer’s glue. (Babs always likes a good, practical joke).

Monday Night Football: A competitive game minus a B-list celebrity in the broadcast booth = better ratings.

Nate Robinson: Anger management classes.

-Carmelo Anthony: A douche to clean his fucking pussy, pussy.

(Feel free to add some of your own. It’s like a game, one the whole family can play. If you’re at work, well, we are too. Time and a half, Bitch!)

Happy Holidays!

Fire Millen march about as successful as actual team

There was all sorts of hype surrounding the Lions-Bears football game Sunday. Not because people really cared about the game — c’mon, you have the best and worst the NFC has to offer, that’ll be only as exciting as the cheerleaders can make it. But the boys at Fire Millen had built up excitement for what would be a protest to call out Matt Millen for being as good a GM as Joe Buck is a person.

But turns out that only about 100 people gathered in the second quarter of the Lions’ 13th loss to shout, “Fire Millen.”

Not exactly the kind of movement that could start a revolution; a revolution the Lions desperately need.

Millen seems safe for now (his job that is. Safe from verbal abuse? Never.), as does first-year coach Rod Marinelli, who may have been better off staying in Tampa. As for the Lions, yeah, Brady Quinn or Troy Smith?

In other NFL news: Denver beat Cincinnati 24-23 after the Bengals were cited for disorderly conduct during their final PAT attempt.