We’re 65, Bitch

We’ve never bought that saying, “We’re 65!” for a motherfucking second.

The NIT winner could probably beat over half of the NCAA Tournament field and Wisconsin on a yearly basis. So when West Fuckin Virgina puts the hammer down and prevents a team from the Confederate Flag-flying state of South Carolina from winning its third-straight NIT championship (South Carolina had won two straight titles), we don’t want to here, “We’re 65!”

Instead, the NIT reveals something much greater. The winner is one of very few teams to win its last game of the season. You have the NCAA champ, the NIT champ, and maybe a few teams so bad they didn’t make their conference tourney, but somehow won their last regular-season game.

So this brings up an interesting question: What would you rather have your favorite team (let’s say the Washington Huskies, because really, who’s favorite team isn’t the Huskies?) do: win the NIT or go out in, say, the second round of the Dance?

We’d probably go with NIT champ, in all honesty. Winning a game in the Tourney is great, but winning the last game of the season is a unique feeling that not too many teams can experience. And getting to hang a championship banner ain’t half bad either.

So West Fuckin Virginia, we’re envious. Cherish being the NIT champs. Because you’re a whole lot better than No. 65, no matter what those douchebags at UVA tell you.

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And for five credits you can bang a disease-free prostitute

News coming out of South Florida in the last 24 hours is not about the Florida basketball team. (Though we’re not sure Gainesville is in South Florida anyway, and frankly we don’t give a fuck; Florida is one, big, happy, hot-ass babe, sunshine-y state as far as we’re concerned).

Lynn University, in Boca Raton, is giving students in its Sports Management program three credits to go to the Final Four, a Georgia Tech baseball game and a Thrashers hockey game.

They also have to do actual work that consists of whatever it is that they do for work at Lynn U, which we can’t imagine is much.

We’d also like to think that a few of the kids will get laid from that slutty girl who sits in the back row in the five-star hotel they’re probably staying in, and that the Emilio Estevez character will take a few lines of pure, uncut cocaine.

Still. Pretty cool. We once dropped a deuce in a pretty dirty bathroom at U-Dub. The brevity aside, we thought it was at least worth a credit.

"Would you do…" Tournament: No. 6 Stacey Dales vs. No. 7 Rachel Nichols


(If you don’t know what the hell the “Would you do…” Tournament is all about,
read this first).

Two lower seeds. Two darkhorses. One winner.

No. 6 Stacey Dales:


Why we might: She’s 27. Tight. (Note the dual meaning).
Why we might not: 34-24-36 Six feet, 155 pounds.
Regular season “record”: 22 yes-2 no.
First round: Defeated Kit Hoover 67%-33%.
Elite Eight: Defeated Pam Oliver 74%-26%.

Why we might: If you watch Nichols do an ESPN report, you’ll notice that this redhead doesn’t blink. Like ever.

That really has no impact on our decision, except we’ll go ahead and speculate that she doesn’t, um, gag, either. We see cucumbers, kielbasas and tree branches coming into play.

Why we might not: We can’t rule out that a threesome might involve another dude. Nichols might be the type who bangs other dudes while her husband watches in the corner, sips a mixed drink and strokes his dick beard.

A situation like that has all the makings for something going very wrong. This could be the type of threesome where you wake up the next morning without a major organ and just a note that says, “You can find your kidney at the local flea market. It’s being sold for $10 or best offer. Thanks for a good time. XOXO.”

Regular season “record”: 18 yes-3 no.
First round: Defeated Sam Ryan 51%-49%.
Elite Eight: Defeated Suzy Kolber 67%-33%.

Who’s meeting Andrews in the finals?

Who would you rather do?
Stacey Dales
Rachel Nichols
pollcode.com free polls

Now they’re just out to get Chris Henry

By now you’ve surely heard that — gasp! — Chris Henry is in more legal trouble. But this time, it’s not pre-meditated murder, armed robbery or grand larceny. Rather, it’s minor traffic violations.

Cincinnati Bengals receiver Chris Henry, already facing possible NFL punishment for problems with the law, has been cited by Cincinnati police on three traffic charges including driving with a suspended license. Henry, 23, also was ticketed for an alleged improper turn and seat belt violation.

Oh geez. An alleged improper turn. Call in fucking S.W.A.T.

Driving on a suspended license probably was enough to make Henry’s PR people drink a bit harder than usual, and MJD, always good for a laugh, has a nice take over at The ‘House.

Still. Not wearing a seat belt?! A bit extreme, no? Guess that’s what happens when you have the reputation of a felon.

These days Michael Jackson could give a 10-year-old boy a high five and the parents would still call for the motherfucking guillotine. Same deal with Henry. Once you’ve messed up, people will remember.

Now that’s what you call an ass-kicking

Local news for you today. Last week in a high school softball game between Woodinville (Wash.) High School and Franklin High of Seattle, Woodinville won 64-0. Softball. 64-0. Whoa!

The Wednesday KingCo 4A Conference game ended after five innings under the state’s “mercy rule” that stops games if one team is ahead at that point by 10 runs. Woodinville got its runs in four innings and didn’t bat in the fifth because it was the home team.

The score wasn’t reported by either team and neither coach could be reached Saturday. However, word of the romp was spreading fast because an account of the game was on the Woodinville fastpitch Web site, which is connected with the school site.

The story was headlined “Falcons cause a ‘hitquake’ and said Woodinville amassed 60 hits in the drubbing. It included other facts such as the leadoff hitter going 8 for 10, scoring eight runs and knocking in eight runs.

The leadoff hitter was just 8-10? She got out twice?! Loser.

Anyway, kind of a bad situation for both teams. Losing 64-0 is no way to go out. And winning by that margin isn’t too warm and fuzzy either. The coach is taking serious heat for it.

But what’s a coach to do? Tell his players to intentionally get out? Maybe. At a point like that, the losing coach probably should have just taken a bat and beat the hell out of the other team. Though if the Franklin coach is anything like his girls, he probably couldn’t hit them too hard.

"Would you do…" Tournament: No. 1 Erin Andrews vs. No. 4 Melissa Stark

(If you don’t know what the hell the “Would you do…” Tournament is all about, read this first).

Final Fucking Four. Bring it.

No. 1 Erin Andrews:


Why we might: Have you seen this woman?! Andrews is ultra-mega hot. Get her in a tight shirt and she’ll give a dude Instant Boner Syndrome (IBS).
Why we might not: We are very open here about our lack of interest in the NHL. Andrews is part of ESPN’s hockey coverage so she’s probably lost about 60 mph off her vocal speed.
Regular season “record”: 48 yes-1 no.
First round: Defeated Andrea Kremer 97%-3%.
Elite Eight: Defeated Michelle Bonner 91%-9%.

No. 4 Melissa Stark:


Why we might: She’s really freakin’ hot — nice hair, eyes, chest, legs, feet, chest.
Why we might not: She’s so hot that we could never enjoy banging a normal girl after running through her.
Regular season “record”: 22 yes-0 no (the only perfect record).
First round: Defeated Linda Cohn 93%-7%.
Elite Eight: Defeated Bonnie Bernstein 63%-37%

Two more wins it all it takes…

Who would you rather do?
Erin Andrews
Melissa Stark
pollcode.com free polls

"Would you do…" Tournament: And then there were four


We can’t emphasize enough how stallion-like you readers are. You’ve been kicking ass voting and commenting, giving each match up a pretty representative outcome as we head into the Final Four.

And while the left side of the bracket has played out like expected, the right side got blown up like the bathroom after eating a 7-Eleven chili dog.

We had two upsets with both Stacey Dales and Rachel Nichols cutting down the nets. We’ll admit that the right side of the bracket is pretty weak, and that Erin Andrews vs. Melissa Stark will be the mythical national championship, but still, Dales and Nichols both have lots of momentum.

[Mid-post aside: We were in Arizona over the weekend for our annual Spring Training trip (that’s why we didn’t respond to emails. Sorry!) and while watching some hoops in the hotel bar — free happy hour! — we started talking about this tournament.

Frank, 48, from Scottsdale, Ariz., overheard and got involved in the conversation. He liked the idea of discussing who we’d like to bang, but was pretty pissed off that we didn’t include Thea Andrews. Maybe next time, Frank.

Oh, and Barry Bonds drives a white Chevy Tahoe and prefers not to signal].

The timing of the “Would you do…” Tournament is working out nicely. We’ll run one Final Four match up tomorrow and the other Thursday. We’ll let college hoops take over the weekend discussion and then Monday, as you’re gearing up for the NCAA Championship, we’ll have our little championship up to whet your appetite.

Should be fun. So keep voting. We’re saying Andrews vs. Dales. Off the record, of course.