Torre: ‘Hot seat? What hot seat?’

Do I look like a guy who’s gonna get fired? Say it, motherfucker. Dare you.

Look at me. That wry smile, strong jaw, defined features. I breath fucking success, motherfucker.

Oh, my owner thinks our 9-14 start “isn’t acceptable”? Well I don’t “fucking care,” motherfucker.

You better have my back, Steiny. You better be willing to fuck my ass if I ask for it. I won’t. That’d be kinda fucked up. But my point is you should be bending over backwards for me, motherfucker.

I should be on the fucking cold seat right now, if such a thing existed. We’re 9-14! That’s five games under. Five! We’ll play the Royals soon. We’ll be back at .500 faster than you can say fuckeddamonswife.

Who cares that our payroll is nearly 200 mil. Have you seen our pitching staff? Throw Jeff Weaver in there and that motherfucker from Rookie of the Year, and then we’ll talk about bad pitching staffs, motherfucker. For now, we’ll be fine.

Our lineup is filled with more hitters than the domestic abuse wing of Leavenworth. A-Rod is raking the shit out of the ball. Jeter’s doing his thang. That’s right, bitch. I just said thang. Matsui — I don’t really get him — but he smashes.

Who says pitching wins championships? Oh, you do? Well have you won four World Series rings, motherfucker? That’s four. As in one, two, three, four. I got enough rings to nearly cover by ass-whiping hand. And by the time I’m done here, I’ll have enough rings to cover my jerking hand too.

That was nice and all for Jeter to say what he did…saying my treatment was “unfair.” The criticism I’m taking is “unfair” It’s also “fucked.” But I don’t need your clichĂ© responses, motherfucker. Go be Captain Pussyman, or whatever the fuck it is that you and Damon joke about on road trips.

I can take care of myself, motherfucker. Remember that. I am Joe Fucking Torre. Four rings. An MVP. Two Manager of the Year awards. This is my town. My team. And if you want to even think otherwise, take a number to go fuck yourself. Motherfucker.

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7 Responses

  1. Thanks, Zach. Now I’ll forever think “Captain Pussyman” when I see Jeter. He is now 40% more entertaining.

  2. Whew, I knew you were a closet Yankees fan!!! Welcome aboard!

  3. Well gmoney, considering that here in Seattle, we’ve got the Mariners, you pretty much want to root for any other team besides them.

  4. One more thing Zach Regarding the Jerramy Stevens comment you left on my blog yesterday. Stevens is already in knee deep legal trouble. Going to Tampa to increase his legal troubles will only make the bastard drown in his stupidity.

  5. It really isn’t Torre’s fault. It is the injuries and the pitching. If anything, blame the GM.

  6. Well damn the man, fuck George Steinbrenner!

  7. On second thought:

    Wow.

    I didn’t know that Joe Torre wrote at about a 10th grade level.

    What is all of this ?

    “I breath fucking success…” Breath ?

    When he speaks, he include the dashes, as in “9-14”.

    Same goes for “.500”.

    “200 mil.” That’s just odd. 200 millilitres ? One fifth of a litre ?

    “pitching staffs.” If sounding wrong is wrong, it doesn’t matter if it’s right.

    “Leavenworth”. That’s either a Federal Prison (as in “Don’t forget your squash racquet.”) Or, it’s a poor effort to reference the US military prison at “Fort Leavenworth.” Neither is known for housing violent offenders.

    After searching around for good material, that was his best effort to draw a clever parallel to some other “hitters” ?

    Good thing he’s not a sportswriter.

    That’s really lame.

    “ass-whiping”. No spell-checker, either ? Jeez.

    “An MVP”. No grammar-checker ?

    “To even think”. Split-infinitive. Same missing grammar-checker ?

    He better stick to being a famous coach. With that shaky use of English, who knows how low he might sink ?

    Imagine – Joe Torre – reduced to ….I don’t know….maybe some no name, no talent sports blogger.

    Ouch !

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