The Seahawk cheerleader tryouts: A first-hand account

Big Picture brother Adam had the awful task of attending the Seagals tryouts on Monday as an assignment for work. Talk about the grunt work that comes with being in the TV industry. We told Adam to get as much info about the event as possible. He did. Score one for obedience.

His words are after the dotted line.

I never gave the idea of professional cheerleading much thought until I was among a small, private gathering of media types at the Seahawks’ Qwest field Monday night for the final round of the Seattle Seagal competition.

Young girls look pretty, smile and cheer. How much more is there to it?

As it is, the only things separating cheerleaders from strippers, as far as I’m concerned, are a few inches of fabric, some self respect and a pole. Both dance for drunk, pocket-pool-playing men, no?

Thus I found it excruciatingly awkward and discomforting when the 60-some women spoke of their lifetime goal and current occupation prior to shaking their booties before the salivating celebrity judges. (Cheerleaders do work in the community throughout the year, I was later told) it was hard not to admire Roxy (No. 21, a server from Puyallup) for wanting to be a nurse since she was six and Britani M. (No. 32, a barista from Kirkland) for achieving her goal of climbing 300 stairs! All 300 of them! At once! No water breaks! I was so happy for her since she could only climb 30 at a time before trying out for the Seagals.

I can’t remember if Jenny the first grade teacher made the team, but she got hired a week before school and had to prepare her lesson plans in just one week! And she did! In a week! All by herself! Hooray! The idea of Jenny dancing for her students’ dads is incredibly amusing, by the way.

Lovely goals and dreams aside, the gals couldn’t public speak for shit. Clearly they were nervous — voice-cracking was easily audible. Hell, I couldn’t blame them. I would have a hard time speaking too with a jerk-off kid sitting in the corner (that was me!). Yet — and I was shocked to hear this — most girls were educated. I figured middle-school graduate would’ve qualified for an audition.

The majority were either in college (if Highline Community College does a. in fact exist or b. count) or had graduated from college. A few even went to Washington. I had a class with Jessica, No. 48 — public speaking no less. Irony! I think I probably tapped her on the shoulder once.

The event as a whole was so repetitive and boring I wanted to stab myself in the eye with a coat hanger. It was hours of similar-looking girls doing the same routine to the same song. Natalie C., No. 39, and Stephanie, No. 22, were my favorites. One brunette, one blond, one natural, one not.

Easily the highlight was walking in through the tight hall that doubled as the staging room for contestants. It was a wonderful sampling of all that is good and right with femininity: perfume, cocoa butter, cute half smiles (you get those when you’re with “talent,” I guess) and only a couple clear signs of eating disorders.

The competition ended as you’d expect. After all had performed, the results were tallied and the winning numbers were announced. Girls screamed and cheered and hugged and threw up, but mainly just hugged and cheered. They will be your 2007-2008 Seagals.

The others will probably be strippers.

-Adam Landres-Schnur


12 Responses

  1. Good account. However, I was not aware that it was possible to be bored observing hotties.

  2. After awhile I bet it did get a bit boring….that’s when you needed to “comfort” those who lost…you know – the strippers…

    Nice article though!!

  3. You can not forget Hooters girls. I think the correct flow is to start as cheerleader then split into Hooters girl and stripper, but they can all end up as strippers.

    But bored watching hotties?

  4. Pictures?

  5. Good article. I don’t even like hearing smart girls talk let alone idiots so I totally agree. I would’ve used that coat hanger to give myself a catheter.

  6. go by Deja Vu next week and see if any of them are working…

  7. You should have thrown a $1 to see how they picked them up. A sure sign.

  8. C’mon dude, don’t be so hard on them. Strippers? Really? The Miami Heat strippers/cheerleaders? OK, I’ll give you that one. Ditto for the Knicks girls. But the Sea-Gals are pretty tame. The NBA dancers are tons sexier. The NFL girls are stuck in a mid-nineties thing. Pro cheerleaders rock my world though, that’s the ultimate fantasy. It like firemen are for women.

  9. Nice work. But I’ll do NFL Adam one better, he should have made it RAIN in there!

  10. A friend of mine has a philosphy of “I never met a snatch I wouldn’t sniff”

    I could see being bored if you are there and all these chicks are worried about is making the team and not showing you any attention…it’s not like you could whip your shit out and stroke it right there…

  11. I watched the auditions, too. Yes, some were nervous and poor public speakers, but others were very poised and articulate. Sometimes seeing others who are intelligent, beautiful and talented is too much for some to handle.

  12. Ok, really, strippers? Get ahold of yourself. Professional cheerleading is VERY competitive… Stripping? Not so much. I think it’s funny when guys who need to get laid can’t handle themselves around attractive women long enough to form a respectable opinion. I’m disappointed that you took the easy way way out by jumping on the “bash the attractive people of the world” bandwagon. I guarantee you the girls of the Professional Cheer world love their jobs much more than you…sitting in the corner pouting over girls that you could never get. So sad, I almost shed a tear…

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