Lorenzo Mata is probably wishing he was in the NBA already

Good news, NBA players! If you’re single, have a “huge ego” and happen to have read the classifieds of the most recent Sports Weekly, surely you know you’re being “sought by beautiful woman, 41.”

We can’t imagine a more successful way to court an NBA star. Because, you know, NBAers check out the personals in Sports Weekly pretty regularly.

Oh, sorry for teasing you this long. telitsyn@shaw.ca

Comment starter: Which huge-ego NBAer hits this first?

-Adam Landres-Schnur

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SaberCats champs! Destroyers fucking destroyed

To the right is a picture of the current scene in San Jose, Calif. after the San Jose SaberCats brought home the title for the third time in six years. They torched the Columbus Destroyers 55-33 in ArenaBowl XXI in the Big Easy.

If you look real close, you can see us doing some looting and throwing a Molotov cocktail in the direction of a gas station.

SET THE CITY ABLAZE!!!! AAAGGGGGHHHH!!!!!! (PSYCHOTIC, RIOT-HAPPY LAUGHING).

Man, winning is fucking amazing. Think of the feeling you get after having a threesome with two married chicks. Then multiply it by 10, add 26 and then a happy ending on top. That’s the feeling.

We haven’t been this excited about something since Saturday. Talk about a way to spice up a Monday morning.

It’s a good thing we don’t live all that close to San Jose. After lighting that shit up, it might not be there by this afternoon.

Oh, and Mark Grieb went 24-29 for 218 and four TDs. Some other players did other things.

Hot chick wins something, somewhere…


…And that’s apparently a big deal. Because now people will completely forget that Natalie Gulbis is a babe and recognize her strictly for her golf skills.

So goes the first two sentences in this AP story:

Natalie Gulbis finally can be known for winning, too.

Famous mostly for her looks through five-plus seasons on tour, Gulbis broke through Sunday, winning her first LPGA Tour title blah blah blah.

We choose not to acknowledge golf and to especially acknowledge hot chicks. So here’s to Natalie Gulbis being nothing more than a hot chick who handles a nine-iron. Sha-wing.

And here are some more pictures of Gulbis to erase any thought of golf from your mind.

(The stuff you could give two shits about: Gulbis won her first LPGA Tour title at the Evian Masters, beating some un-hot broad on the first hole of a playoff. Gulbis had a final round 70. Afterwards she may or may not have masturbated).

Would you do…Ice?

Why we might:

The easy answer: Her muscles aren’t the only things that are big.

The more in-depth answer: In shape = boner popping. The former American Gladiator was a professional body builder (now a real estate agent. Schwing!) and played sports throughout high school. If that’s not a recipe for being fit…

Now imagine how she could toss you around in the sack. She’d treat you like a contender on the Joust and smack you around good. So if rough sex is your thing, you’re in for a treat. If rough sex ain’t your thing, then make it your thing, bitch.

Why we might not:

The easy answer: She could totally kick our ass.

The more in-depth answer: We somehow feel cheated that Ice isn’t her real name. Yeah. We know. Wrecking ball to the groin.

Ice’s birth name is Lori Ice Fetrick and her whole life is based on lies. Not really. She’s now working in real estate and we presume she’s doing just fine for herself. That’s probably a good thing too. Don’t know how she’d be able to sleep at night otherwise.

The answer: A slight tangent if you will…

Here’s her website that also includes a phone number. We could all call her (strength in numbers, people!) and get her out for an appearance.

If you would like to Hire Lori “Ice” Fetrick for any Personal Appearance please contact her directly at: lori@lorifetrick.com.

Personal Appearances include:
Meet & Greet Guests
Pose for photographs
Sign Autographs
Participate in Golf Tournament (if applicable)

It doesn’t say it, but “Personal Appearances” also include “sleeping with Big Picture readers.” So we all have a chance, making us really excited about our future endeavors.

So let’s call it two Long Islands and the cost to hire her for an appearance. Once we meet, our charm will replace alcohol. The E will help too.

All right, folks. The polls are open (nice new edition, huh?). But don’t shy away from the comments. Wanna know what it’s like to get Assaulted by an American Gladiator? Maybe you could play Adult Powerball. Or a one-way Joust. (Think about it). Let the games begin…

Would you do…Ice?
Yes
No
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This is Jerame Tuman. Wait, no it’s not!


The name Brian R. Jackson probably doesn’t sound too familiar to you; there’s no real reason it should.

But maybe Jerame Tuman registers. Or Ben Roethlisberger.

The latter two are both Steelers. Jackson, well, he’s just a guy from Pittsburgh who happens to sort of look like both players. So much so, it turns out, that he was able to convince a woman to loan him $3,200 while impersonating Tuman.

The woman told authorities a mutual friend introduced her to the man who said he was Tuman, and Jackson then convinced her to loan him the money over the course of a couple months in early 2006. Jackson was arrested after the woman sent a letter to Tuman through Steelers headquarters, asking for the money back, and Tuman turned the letter over to the head of Steelers security.

Jackson was also charged back in 2005 for impersonating Roethlisberger. He didn’t want money then, just to “meet and date women.”

We credit the guy for trying. We’re told we look like “Ross” from “Friends” quite often and nearly scored with a girl the other night by telling her she looked like “Rachel.”

As you might expect, this kind of behavior is frowned upon in the legal system, and Jackson’s going to the clink for a few months where he’ll do his best Michael Vick impersonation.

Sports are just plain fun sometimes, aren’t they?

-Adam Landres-Schnur

We can answer questions too


Our pal Jon from Pyle of List runs a great series called A Guide to Recognizing Your Bloggers, where he does some fun Q&As with the guys who run blogs.

It was our turn today and the interview is up. Go stop by, see what we have to say and leave a comment.

If you don’t, you’ll never get pussy again.

Bonds guessing game

When big records are close to falling, it’s time to play meaningless games! (!!!!!!) Like, when will Bonds break the record? It could be September at this rate.

In the comments, your guesses for what date Barry will hit No. 756. Double kudos for guessing the pitcher. (Full schedule here).

Winner (or closest to actual date) gets a mediocre-to-bad handjob from NFL Adam.

(Another contest at the always-wonderful The Big Lead).