Yi and the Bucks are not getting along

Hi. I’m Yi Jianlian.

Things I like: the color blue, subtle humor, taquitos, unscented lotion, books on tape, Alfred Hitchcock films, barbecued dog, Timex, Capitalism, loose-fitting jeans, big media markets, Aspirin, ESPN Classic, non-fiction.

Things I don’t like: sand, aggressiveness, off-white, vampires, curry, too much makeup, Milwaukee, Tylenol, Imperialism, CNN, Care Bears, kids, loose-fitting women, Tom Clancy novels, novels, nose rings, satire.

Now that we’re friends, let’s talk about another thing I like: basketball.

You’d never know I’m a basketballer by looking at that photo of me. I’m wearing enough blue to be mistaken for a fucking Smurf. But I’m really tall. And I have gigantic feet. You know what they say about guys with big feet, right? Yeah. Elephant cock.

I probably should’ve included this in my, “Things I don’t like:” Bucks GM Larry Harris. He’s mean and I hate him. He said that Milwaukee isn’t going to trade me. But I told him that I wanted to be traded. And I hate him.

I don’t know what I’ll do if I remain a Buck. Maybe I’ll commit Seppuku with an ironing board. Oh, Seppuku’s Japanese, you say? Well 我不喜欢你. You don’t know what the means? Good. You don’t want to. My words are filled with hate. Especially towards Milwaukee. I fucking hate Miller. It’s piss beer. I’d love to drink some and then piss on Larry Harris.

I also like jigsaw puzzles. And nutmeg.


10 Responses

  1. Brilliant and Funny post. The Bucks are a complete mess and make the Atlanta Hawks look like a well ran organization.

    Harris is an idiot and should be fired for listening to his dad for draft advice. Yi hates Wisky and Bogut dislikes his black teammates. Great.

    Good times in the the Cheese Capitol! quick, name me the Bucks head coach? I forget and I own a classic Bucks Big Dog jersey.

  2. The Chinese posted actually translates to something like “I don’t enjoy you,” but brilliant article anyway.

    Yes that is Yi as my profile pic, but that is from 2-3 years ago when it was legit for a guy like me to like him in the Ricky Rubio sense.

  3. seriously, who doesn’t like nutmeg. yum.

  4. 我不喜欢你 means “I dont like you” simple straight up and to the point. I think Yi likes to “大飞机”which literal means to ‘hit a plane’, but in slang means ‘to masturbate’.
    Yi needs to grow some balls and use his elephant cock to bang midwestern women until he can opt out of his contract and sign where he wants.

  5. @anonymous

    The way you have it, it means “big plane,” it should read 打飞机 (Da Fay Gay in cantonese, which is really the only dialect in which it has meaning to my knowledge). And you wouldn’t use 喜欢 to describe a person, but that’s just subtle word choice.

  6. Ah… Your right… 我喜欢打飞机。 你会帮我好不好?

  7. damn those of you who know chinese! you called me out!

    (i wanted to say, “go fuck yourself” in chinese, but it didn’t understand that).

    thanks for the clarification!

  8. i think zach has tapped into the Asian blogosphere to up his skyrocketing popularity…

    that yao post was money, now its yi!

  9. This reminds me of the time my beloved Bucs drafted Bo Jackson, despite his vow to have man-sex with Bear Bryant (or something like that) before he donned the creamsicle-and-white unis.

    I’m sure this situation will end similarly; and by that I mena that I have no doubt that next season Yi will be batting third for the KC Royals.

  10. I guess when you play in a second rate league and put up some decent numbers, you can decide where you want to play in the greatest basketball league in the world.


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