Alex Rios is in the Homerun Derby

[Looks at self in mirror]
I can do this.
[Lifts up sleeve to reveal bicep. Flexes.]
I can do this!!!

I know I’m not your typical home run hitter. They say chicks dig the long ball. Fuck that shit. Chicks dig gap hitters. Cuz they fuckin’ dig me, all right. And I prefer singles and doubles to home runs and, ugh, home runs.

So what that I’ve hit 45 career homers? I’ll hit 45 in the first round tonight. I can turn it off and on. Like a light switch. Really, I can do whatever I want. I’m that good. I’ll probably hit 800 home runs by the time I’m done. Fuck it. I’ll hit 800 tonight! That BP pitcher will get rocked harder than a White Sox starter in a double header.

OK. So I’m a little nervous. But just a little. I already know what the fans will say. “Vlad, Howard, Prince, Pujols, Alex Rios, Maggs… Wait, Alex Rios? Who the fuck is Alex Rios?”

But that’s why I have to prove ’em all wrong. I have more than a chip on my shoulder. I have an entire fucking tree. And I like it that way.

I know that when I win, my name is gonna join the Luis Gonzalez’, Garret Andersons and Bobby Abreaus as unlikely Derby winners. That’s fine. I might be the underdog now, but when this thing’s over tonight, all those other guys are gonna be my bitch.

[Raises bicep. Kisses it.]
I’m gonna do this!

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19 Responses

  1. 45 career HR? This has to be MLB’s idea of a joke. (of course, saying this has all but guaranteed he’ll win it)

  2. They say self-delusion is a sure sign of steroid abuse.

  3. No, no, twins, MLB’s idea of a joke was when they had players represeiting countries like the fans actually gave a damn.

  4. Maybe he’ll win it and it’ll completely fuck his stroke up like it did to Abreu…

  5. Can we name stuff that ESPN hasn’t ruined?

  6. Quit ripping on Rios, he’s one of the best hitters in the game. And after he wins, he’s gonna come back here and shove it up your ass, Zach.

  7. I just dread hearing Chris Sperman with his fuckin Back Back Back Back shit….

  8. The ultimate irony is that the last two years J.P. was freaking out about Alex’s power and now he leads the team in home runs and is an all star for the 2nd straight year. Alex si there mvp, he’s got a great stoke and mabye He’s going to do it.. Ortiz doesn’t have too many Hr’s this year and neither does Ortiz.

  9. Ya and Ortiz doesn’t have many either.

    Oh wait, that was said? Twice? In one sentence?

    Oh ok. Alright.

    By the way, if you are putting Rios as Toronto’s MVP over Doc Halladay, you’re wrong.

  10. Who IS Alex Rios?

  11. Yeah Doc Halladay and his mid 4 ERA and who’s missed part of the season. Real MVP. Idiot. Might want to look into things before you flat out tell someone they’re wrong.

  12. Alex Rios: 17 HRs after 2 rounds.

    Just sayin’.

  13. Yea, that Rios guy can’t hit HR’s at all. Geez…only 17 through 2 rounds. Wow…what a joke…MLB got us.

  14. Yeah, not a bad showing for Rios, surprisingly.

  15. So I guess The Big Picture did about as well as Jason Bay when he failed to hit one out a couple years ago!

    And no, Jays fans aren’t the least bit surprised to see Alex make the final… once he got his stroke going he did very well.

  16. Larry, is he as good as Russel Martin?

  17. Adam,
    Russell Martin goes to bed at night dreaming of Alex Rios. Runner-up, not bad.

  18. Alex Rios is going to top 30 HRs this year, and be a terrific player for years to come.

    And the body-spray girl would totally let him bang her…

  19. Hah, whos the idiot now.

    Also, an added “LOL” at the person saying Halladay is the teams first half MVP. I’d take Rios, then the bullpen, then Halladay. Fool.

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