A letter to Willie Parker

Dear Mr. Parker,

Fuck you, asshole. If you run for over 100 yards again and fail to get in the endzone, we’ll kill your fucking dog. Don’t get to the century mark and fail to score? First born, bitch. (OK, not really. Just your dog.)

You are making Najeh Davenport look like a first-round fantasy back. That’s bullshit, Willie. You’re a first-round fantasy back and you’re more useless to our teams than Steven Hawking.

Take some initiative, Willie. We don’t give a fuck if you’re tired or if Mike Tomlin hates fantasy football owners, but if the Steelers are inside the 10, you need to put the football in the motherfucking endzone.

We don’t care how you do it. If you need to turn Davenport into Samuel L. Jackson from Unbreakable, so be it. You do what you need to do to win. And to help us win. And nothing less.

So we’ll give you one more week. Yeah, that’s an ultimatum. After your bye week, go for 100. Score. Fuck it. Score twice. And pretend, for just one game, that you’re a legitimate first round pick. If you don’t? You’re fucking toast.

Sincerely,
All of your Fantasy Football owners

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12 Responses

  1. Unbreakable is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.

  2. yo yo yo i got a 5 dolla radio

  3. I’m just glad I traded Benson away, he was chafing my ass even more than Parker…

  4. You think Parker is bad? I have Parker, McGahee, and Thomas Jones. I think they have 2 combined TDs.

    My team is 4-1 though. Brady is the Fantasy MVP so far this year, and Witten is kicking ass too.

  5. i had tiki last year…..
    i dont think he had a touchdown till week 15

  6. fantasy football is for douchebags who arent true nfl fans

  7. amen!! I am a Steeler fan who owns Parker in my fantasy league. Is it possible to be happy and sad at the same time?

  8. I still can’t get into fantasy.

    Who gives a rats ass?

    I’d rather my NFL team, you know, WIN GAMES than have a good fantasy team.

    Willie Parker is a great player, who gives a fuck about fantasy dorks.

    It’s one thing if fantasy is just a game, but it’s actually warped people’s views about the worths of the actual players on, you know, the REAL football field.

  9. Hey anonymous, get those whippersnappers off your lawn, fag.

    I don’t complain about you fucking little boys, don’t bitch about our fantasy football love.

  10. Dang… impressive. As a hardcore “The Big Picture” reader, I feel truly spoiled today. 2 POSTS????? It’s like Christmas in October. Not to mention all these amazing comments about the posts.

  11. You fag fantasy dorks need to shut the fuck up. No one needs to go that far and threaten someone for not getting in the fucking endzone. If I was Willie I would hunt you down and beat your ass. Thats fuckin dumb and your an ass! Fantasy football is fucking stupid and you need to stop with it and go get laid, because, obviously your one of them fag nerds that don’t get no pussy. So, shut the fuck up and get a life. As long as the Steelers keep winning, it don’t matter.

  12. Yeah…thats fuckin’ nuts man for real…i’ve never played that fantasy crap before, and i dont think i ever will if its gonna turn me into a psycho who threatens people who will likely never read the crap they post…but yeah…go pick up a copy of Madden or something, and like that earlier dude said, go get laid…or smoke a cigarette or somethin…get your mind at ease bro…and see a therapist

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