The time I took an hour-long shit

Being a shitter (n. A person who takes shits) is a lot like being a baseball player.

Sometimes you’re in the zone and then you get in a slump. For one reason or another, a major leaguer, paid millions for his services, cannot for the life of him hit the ball well. Same goes for a shitter. You can be in a month-long zone where every shit you take is a well-packed turd and becomes a one-wiper. But then you fall into a slump.

I, friends, am in a slump.

Saturday night I got home around 1 a.m. and had been gassy as hell the last few hours. Probably the tacos at Jack in the Box. It would’ve been in my best interest to pump out a crap like an hour before I left where I was, but it was the wrong time, wrong place.

So I waited. Bad move.

Rule No. 1 about taking a good dump: When you first feel it, go for it. If you wait, it just makes a mess and takes a chunk out of your day.

But I broke the cardinal about taking a good dump and it cost me. Severely.

I sat down around 1:05 and everything was working fine. I settled down with a three-week-old issue of SI, read about the increasingly-popular dribble-drive-motion offense being run at many high schools and colleges, the race in the NBA Western Conference and Miguel Tejada’s hero status in the DR.

That took about 25 minutes. And I still hadn’t gotten to wiping.

Now our pal Lozo says that no crap should take longer than five minutes. Au contraire, Mr. Lozo. Au contraire. After 25 minutes, I was just getting started.

I’d prefer to not be graphic, but after about a half an hour, I still felt the pressure of some excrement, but it just couldn’t work its way out.

This is where things got dicey.

My legs were asleep, my ass was asleep and I was out of reading material. I knew I wasn’t done, but I needed aid in working the shit out of my body.

I walked around.

Pants around ankles, I walked into my living room, watched some SportsCenter and waited. It worked, too, as when I sat back down, I was able to work a bit out. But I still wasn’t done.

So I walked around some more. I thought about doing some jumping jacks, but still covered in my own feces, feared a potential spray on the white carpet.

Around 2 a.m., I was fed up. I was trying to get to bed at a reasonable time and was sick of sitting around covered in my movements.

I wiped, pulled my pants up, and walked away, pretending nothing happened.

But something clearly had. I may never be the same…

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16 Responses

  1. I will light a candle and pray for you…

    God Bless!!

  2. Lozo’s content has eliminated any need for me to ever resume blogging.

    Due to my intense fear of public toilets, I often find myself in just such a predicament. I sympathize, as I am incapable of the quick-shit Lozo describes.

    I agree that washing after a Number 1 is optional but, personally, I wash my hands BEFORE I touch my dick…y’all may want to think about that.

  3. wow zach, just… wow.

    good luck my friend.

  4. Sorry to hear about your slump. Would fucking a fat chick bust your pooping slump??? Think about it…

  5. Oh man, I hear you, I left a kidney in the toilet yesterday morning… Too much beer, too many Cheesy Bean and Rice burritos from Taco Bell…

  6. I was hanging out with the new potential girlfriend yesterday and we’re still in the awkward “so how many siblings do you have/what do your parents do for a living/do you swallow” stage. Anyway my GI tract was real ornery yesterday, every time I sat down on the toilet feces was exploded out of my ass, rather than dropped.

  7. actually this is funny because I just had diarrhea the other day. that was awful.

  8. more about shitting:

    Some people out there are 1 a day people. Not me. I need to shit twice a day, sometimes three. Sure, some days I’ll just go once, but that’s the exception. The hard part is the timing. Often I need to go in the morning before work, which is great, because then I don’t need to do it during the middle of the day, and can wait till I get home.

    But some days I don’t have to go in the morning, or I kinda have to go but it’s not ready yet. those are the worst, because by the time lunch rolls around I usually have to go pretty bad, but I don’t want to do it at work. So I end up holding it and I’m uncomfortable all afternoon and then I have to race into the apartment and get to to toilet as soon as I get home.

    Sometimes of course I give in and drop a load at work, but it’s so much better when I don’t have to.

  9. Zach, what you’d realize if you worked in an office, is that your hour-long dump would’ve been a blessing in disguise. I made about $4 while blowing up the john this morning. Good shit. (Zing!)

  10. You should always shit at your office…it isn’t your toilet paper and it’s good to let your peers know who is boss.

  11. amateur hour. if your shit didn’t start for 25 minutes, you should’ve been doing something else for those 25 minutes.

  12. Sounds like you need some man-loving to help part the Brown Sea.

  13. Good dumps take 20 minutes, minimum.

  14. How did you walk around multiple times without experiencing the dreaded ass cheek rorschach?

  15. Butt-naked soduku shits are the best…

    *long pause

  16. I read this just after having the most satisfying dump of my life… unlucky ^_^

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