What else Miguel Tejada isn’t telling you

ESPN’s E:60 (game show?) is making Miguel Tejada out to be a villain. He lied about his age, took steroids and tortured small animals as a child.

The Houston Astros shortstop told the Oakland Athletics when he was signed out of the Dominican Republic in 1993 that he was 17. But he was actually 19, meaning he is now 33, two years older than his listed age in the Astros’ media guide and other baseball records. The shortstop made his admission after being approached Tuesday by ESPN.

Now that that’s out of the closet, Tejada came clean with these gems, too, which will surely lead to more TV exclusives:

-Middle name is actually Walter

-Once played hooky from school

-Sang choir at age 10 12.

-Likes the color pink

-Once ate a family of ants

-Enjoyed it

-Sings Barbra Streisand songs in the shower

-Sucker for Meg Ryan movies.

-Allergic to bees

-Occasionally pats teammates’ asses in the clubhouse

-Considered using cork

-Persuaded by a female companion to dress up as a member of the Black Hole.

-Dyes his hair

Now 33, Tejada is ancient by sports standars. If he suddenly goes on the DL for some bullshit reason, we’ll now know why.
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4 Responses

  1. I’m pretty sure he also admitted that:

    -he uses moisturizer
    -likes “The View”
    -prefers Acapulco Gold over Purple Haze and Northern Lights. Also a sucker for Panama Red
    -has had 12 cavities
    -won’t touch asparagus

  2. He also enjoy B-12 shots and shooting them into the asses of other Latin lotharios.

  3. – Doesn’t really care for churros
    – Was actually born in Des Moines
    – Knows who his father is.
    – Owns a “Barely legal” porn
    – its only dudes
    – Pushed Mariano Rivera’s family members into that pool.

  4. If you get the director’s cut, you’ll also find out that:

    -When Tejada was a boy, Tony Pena used to pay him $30 (USD) to bugger Tejada with plantains

    There’s not a muthafucka in DR that is telling the truth about his age. Jose Mesa has a daughter older than he is. Alfonseca (Mesa was impregnated by an Octopus) and Armando Benitez (Mesa impregnated himself) are his sons.

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