Sports’ biggest non-stories


Sometimes there just isn’t news. It’s the sad reality of the media. And it’s ethically incorrect to make stuff up, we’re told.

But blowing shit out of proportion isn’t against the rules, and it has happened far too often lately. It leads to drawn out, meaningless “stories” that have little-to-no effect on, well, anything.

Sounds like a list.

The biggest non-stories in sports from the last year or so:

8. Barbaro

Nope. Very much a story.

7. Joba Chamberlain’s antics.

Fans, too, no longer should pump fist, yell or gyrate. Gyrate?

6. What to do with 756?

Send it to Cooperstown? Send it to the Hall with an asterisk? Launch it into space?

Ah. Mark Eckō. Fashion designer. Baseball purist.

5. Jessica and Tony split.

Good for US Weekly, People or National Enquirer. Bad for ESPN, SI or Fox Sports.

4. Clemens sleeps with unknown country singer.

Clemens joins probably about, oh, a thousand other professional athletes who have had affairs. But, hey, he also allegedly took steroids! Let’s make him wear an “A “on his chest and then burn him at the stake!

3. Earnhardt joins Hendrick Motorsports.

We once met a cabbie who went from Orange Cab Co. to Yellow Cab Co. Riots ensued.

2. Matt Leinart likes to fight for your right to paaar-taaay.

Elsewhere, young superstars have just started listening to the devil’s music, called “Rock ‘n’ Roll.”

1. Spygate.

If we are subjected to this one more time, we’re going to commit seppuku with a parking meter.

We’re missing some. Surely. We always do. No need to make a big fuss. Just let us know other big sports non-stories in the comments.

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6 Responses

  1. Moises Alou and Jorge Posada peeing on their hands to toughen ’em up…

    Who doesn’t do that?

  2. Anything that Hank Steinbrenner says is pointless.

  3. at this point pretty much anything regarding steroids is to me a total waste of time

  4. Anything Yankee.

  5. i like apple sauce

  6. anything Dallas except when they lose then it’s funnier than the Simpsons or Archie Bunker arguing with Meathead.

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