I’m in a slump and I can’t get out

That’s a picture of a generic bathroom and toilet.

Mine looks nothing like it. My bathroom has a TV, stereo, PS3, bookshelf and full bar. OK, there’s no bookshelf.

I made my bathroom like this because I spend more time there than I do anywhere else. The bulk of my time is spent on the toilet because I haven’t taken a proper shit in about 18 years.

I swear, I need to make a fucking appointment now to drop a deuce. Trying to run out to the 9 a.m. meeting? 7:30 date with the pot. Girl friend coming over in the evening? Cut work early and carve out time for a second shower. Having company? Make a “beer run.”

At first it was funny. And I could catch up on reading material, which is always nice. But every morning (and sometimes afternoons, nights, weekends, anniversaries, holidays) I just roll my eyes and think, “here we go again.” I’ve considered anorexia to mitigate my problem.

Sometimes things are just going well: your team is winning, your sex life is at the twice-a-day level and you’re pumping out those well-packed, one-wipe shits. Really, when things are good, they’re good.

But when things aren’t good, it just becomes embarrassing. At work, if you duck away for 45 minutes, you better have a fucking excuse.

“I was at lunch.”
“It’s 10:15.”
“I was at breakfast.”
“No you weren’t. Were you taking a crap? You were! You were taking a crap!”

I get really good at looking at my cell phone when I go back so it looks like I had a real important call that I needed to take elsewhere. But people see right through that. They know the truth…that I just set fire to the corporate john.

This Memorial Day, may your day off be nice. Mine will be spent in the bathroom.

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9 Responses

  1. I love reading about your troubles in taking a shit…this is like a soap opera…As the Toilet Swirls

  2. I will light a candle for you Zach and pray for you to take a good shit this Memorial Day weekend…

  3. Whats worse: The fact that you just devoted an entire post to your inability to take a dump, or the fact that I just read the whole thing?

  4. I’m glad that you brought back some new poop stories. They really class up this joint.

  5. zach have you ever considered that your diet might be playing into this at all? I mean, really. your body can only handle so much rhuzen and protein shakes. I know you guys eat broccoli but maybe you need to mix it up a little and have some more vegetables.

    i have another suggestions. take up crosswords. start with the easy ones, you can get a book of em at barnes and noble. those will get you through a pretty long shit.

  6. And now you know why I work 5 minutes from my house.

  7. Sudoku is good, too. Might be food allergies, though. I was having similar issues and went to the doctor. Found out I was allergice to all sorts of shit, cut those things out, and I’m twice-a-day regular ever since.

  8. thanks for the warm thoughts, friends. we’re in this together.

  9. I actually printed this out and read it while I was on the can.

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