The ArenaBowl is set!

It’s finally here! Finally! After weeks (weeks? months?) of build-up, the big game is upon us. And our team is in it! Sabercats, bitch! They’ll fucking kill your team and then kill them again. Mark Grieb is the Joe Montana of the Arena League and our receiver is cool too.

With ArenaBowl 21 (Roman numerals are for pussies) two weeks away in New Orleans, it’s time for the media to start its orgy of coverage. And if it’s anything like coverage fro the Super Bowl, we’re in for a special treat — in July, no less! The upcoming schedule looks something like this:

Today: A look at how both San Jose and Columbus got to the big game. And an in-depth look at how Arena Football differs from normal football.

Tuesday: An in-depth look at the contrasting styles the teams used to get to the big game. Columbus is a No. 6 seed and took the upset path, the Sabercats took no fucking prisoners.

Wednesday-Sunday: Analysis on Sabercats coach Darren Arbet being black and Destroyers coach Doug Kay being white.

Next Monday and Tuesday: Xs and…O shit, the Sabercats coach is black!

Next Wednesday: Predictions, position analysis, coaching edge. How the short field could be the factor.

Next Thursday: Human interest stories, focusing on how Coach Arbet’s family is black.

Next Friday: New Orleans as the host city. Sites to see, parties to go to, food to eat. Jokes not to make.
Next Saturday: Celebrity predictions. Jimmy Kimmel likes San Jose in a rout!

Game day: Analyst predictions. Position by position breakdowns. Whose uniforms are cooler.


How not to market a low-profile sport

The San Jose Sabercats — best record in the American Conference, bitches! — might be playing good (indoor) football, but maybe they could provide the Las Vegas Gladiators marketing team some basic strategies.

The Sabercats squeezed by the Gladiators 73-46 Monday in Las Vegas, but playing a Monday afternoon game, there were only 26 people in attendance.

“There were only 26 people in attendance,” sources said.

That’s not entirely true. There were 5,000+ to watch San Jose win its tenth straight, but 5,000 people at a sporting event is more or less the equivalent of 26. Still, a 1:35 kickoff on a weekday, in Las Vegas, indoors, watching unknowns play football isn’t exactly the best way to attract fans.

The Vegas squad just doesn’t want to compete with dinner buffet crowd. Or strip club goers. Yeah. Strip clubs.