Get Well Big Brown

Big B, what’s happenin’, Buddy? Barbaro here. Listen I just wanted to tell you to get well soon. I heard you were hurting, but that things seem to be going OK. Look, we all know what can happen to a horse when their rehab doesn’t go well, so do what you can to get better. You don’t want to end up here with me. Well maybe you do — the pussy’s to die for. (Get it?! Get it?!) But only after you’ve won the Triple Crown and studded about 1,000 kids. I never got to do all that shit. But I want to see you do it. So get better. And kick some ass in the Belmont. Do it for Barbaro.

P.S. Eight Belles says she’s got somethin’ special for ya if you win.

Advertisements

Barbaro ‘just tryin’ to get by’ in Horsey Heaven

Trust us when we say this: Horsey Heaven might not be as rosy as you think. We have proof!

Hey The Big Picture! Wassup!? It’s me, Barbaro. I saw what you wrote about Eight Belles yesterday and decided to stop by, say hi and set the record straight: Horsey Heaven is a fucking sausage fest. I’m just tryin’ to get by.

You think, “Oh now that Barbaro has a foxy filly up here he’s all set to make some little Barbaros.” But it ain’t like that.

I’ve got some serious competition, bro. Just ‘cause I’m all famous and shit you forget about the other stallions that died racing just like me. Funfair ate it at the Breeders’ Cup Mile in 2005, so he has an extra year of experience. Then there’s Pine Island who came up after the ’06 Breeders’ Cup Distaff. And don’t forget about George Washington who ate shit at the Breeders’ Cup Classic in ’07.

So if you think I’m going to be “tappin’ that ass” or “hittin’ it” or whatever it is you jackoffs say, think again. I’ve barely got a word in to Belles. And I see the way she looks at the other horses. It’s like I don’t even exist.

And maybe I don’t want Belles. You ever think about that, dipshits? I don’t need no second-place horse. Besides, the way we keep droppin’ on the track, another filly will be up here in no time. I’ll land me a winner.

Sorry if I came off rude or disrespectful. Things just aren’t what you might expect. But good will prevail. I will prevail. Because I am Barbaro.

Take care, The Big Picture.

Warm regards,
Barbaro

So that’s that. Call us corrected.

Barbaro’s getting laid tonight!

We don’t mean to be callous, insincere or disrespectful; seeing that filly break her ankles and be put down after a fantastic run in the Derby dampened a bright day at Churchill Downs.

But after the brief “horse racing is cruel to animals” thoughts, our next reaction: there’s gonna now be some pussy for Barbaro up in horsey heaven.

It’s just the way we think. We try to make light of situations that probably shouldn’t joked about it. A horse was fucking beaten by an elf, ran a helluva race, and then collapsed. Why is horse racing still mainstream? Where’s PETA during all of this?

But it all comes back to Barbaro. May he and Eight Belles find happiness together, somewhere, someplace.

The Aristocrats

Seen the movie The Aristocrats? If you haven’t read this first.

Since our big plans for today fell through, we had to come up with a makeshift post. So we’re gonna have an aristocrats contest. In the comments, give us your best version of the joke. Winner gets a shoutout or link or handjob sometime next week. Bonus points if you make it sports related.

Here’s what we could come up with:

Bill Belichick walks into a talent agency. He says, “Boy, do I have the act for you.” The agent says, “OK. I’ll take a look.”

Bill is sitting in the corner and starts jerking off. Enters his ex-wife Debby and two sons, Stephen and Bryan. Bryan starts fucking his mom in the ass and Stephen starts sucking up Bill.

In comes daughter Amanda who starts tossing Stephen’s salad. Bill’s done with his hummer, and comes around Amanda and starts fucking her in the ass. Amanda, an ass virgin, loses control of her bowels and starts shitting everywhere.

In comes Grandpa who starts banging Debby, who, conveniently, is on her period. There’s still shit everywhere and Bill gets pissed at daughter Amanda and cuts off her arm with a samurai sword.

Bill then makes Stephen start fucking the hole where Amanda’s arm used to be. Everyone’s masturbating.

Bryan can’t go anymore and starts cumming everywhere. In comes Spot and he starts fucking Grandma. Grandpa gets pissed and starts fucking the dog in the ass while the pup’s giving it to Grandma.

There’s blood! There’s shit! There’s cum!

At this point, Amanda’s losing blood, everybody’s cumming and in comes Barbaro. Barbaro starts fucking Bill with his monster horse cock. Bill loses control of his bowels and he starts shitting everywhere. Debby pees on Barbaro and Barbaro releases a volcano of horse jiz all over the place.

Tom Brady, jealous of all of this, comes in and shoots everybody dead, except for Belichick. There’s more blood then both can handle and they start fucking the dead corpses. Even Barbaro gets plowed, and he’s now twice over dead.

Brady finishes his fucking and blows his load all over the shit- and blood-covered area. Belichick nuts again, all over Tom. They both hug, kiss and take a bow.

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, “That’s a hell of an act. What do you call it?” And Belichick says, “The Aristocrats!”

Thunder?! Who the fuck is Thunder?

You know this is what Barbaro was thinking…

The Preakness Stakes

You are not forgotten…

This is damn-near the funniest thing we’ve ever seen

We already have a fixation with Minotaurs, so to see these photos just pretty much blew our socks off.

All credit due to the wildly funny Joe Sports Fan.