Calvin Johnson is fast

The “C” on his right shoulder is for, “Can’t touch me, Asshole.”

If you haven’t caught on by now, we have a big time man-crush on Georgia Tech wide receiver Calvin Johnson. He’s tall, he’s athletic, and he’ll make your average defensive back look like a fucking elf.

Johnson just furthered his reputation as a well-hung stallion by running faster at the NFL combine than the speed of fucking light and sound combined. *

Johnson wasn’t going to originally run, but when he saw his potential to get grown men to drool, he opted to perform.

You’ll keep hearing how CJ borrowed shoes from a friend — East Carolina quarterback James Pinkey — but that doesn’t matter.

Johnson could have run a 4.31 40 over hot fucking coals. Broken glass? Why the hell not? He’d run that shit barefoot.

We view CJ as a Superman like figure. It’s a bird, it’s a plane, no wait, it’s Calvin Johnson scoring a motherfucking touchdown. His kryptonite was a coaching staff and quarterback who didn’t throw his way 60 times per game.

Hell, put Johnson behind center. He’ll throw the ball to himself. He’s that good.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers — who will likely select Johnson with the fourth overall pick — better get the idea. Johnson will put points on the scoreboard and fans in the seats. And he’ll run fast too. Just give him the ball. Hey, let him play defense. He’s quick, ya know.

*Not an accurate statement. His 40 time was between 4.31 and 4.35 seconds.

Chan Gailey in running for NFL job. Really?! Why?! Blackmail? It must be blackmail.

Nope, don’t worry, Ter, we won’t throw to Calvin today. Oooh, nice shoes.

Former Dallas Cowboys coach Chan Gailey is currently the Georgia Tech football coach and he is so mind-fucking awful it makes you want to shove Calvin Johnson down his throat.

OK. Whew! Deep breath. Exhale.

Yes, Chan Gailey is being considered for the Miami Dolphins coaching vacancy, though missed out on the Steelers gig. (FYI, we suspect he’s blackmailing somebody. Maybe he saw Dolphins’ GM Wayne Huizinga getting freaky on South Beach. Or heard he was doing blow.)

Quick question: If you’re the coach of Calvin Johnson — the baddest motherfucking wide receiver in the land — what do you do? Pass to him, right? That’s what we’d do.

First down? Throw Johnson the fucking ball. Second down? Throw Johnson the fucking ball. Third-and-short? Fake the dive…then throw Johnson the fucking ball. Fourth-and-26 from your own one? Punt. Yeah. Punt. (But consider throwing Johnson the fucking ball).

Gailey is not one for quick questions like the one directly above. Rather he over-thinks this shit and doesn’t get Johnson the ball. No. 21 had zero catches at Clemson. Two at Georgia. Both G-Tech losses. Wonder why.

Sure, Gailey may not have been calling plays for the ‘Jackets this past season. (If you do know who was calling the plays, please let us know.) But the guy is offensive-minded, and when you have a guy like Johnson, all you have to tell your QB to do — even if he’s inept like Reggie Ball — is to throw the fucking ball within five feet of Johnson. He’ll catch it. Trust us.

Now Gailey is in discussion for NFL jobs? The way he mishandles talent, he’d be better suited for the high school level. Or the Arena League. Yep. Arena.

In other news: In addition to Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck playing with broken fingers, sources say he also had a sore wrist from excessive masturbation.