49ers stick it to New England

That headline is a stretch, at best, but remember that the Pats get SF’s first-round draft pick in the ’08 NFL Draft.

So every Niners’ win means a slightly worse pick for New England, making the 49ers’ 37-31 victory over Arizona that much more satisfying.

Though tough luck for the Cardinals. Chip-shot field goal is good in OT, but DELAY OF GAME!!! Second chip-shot field goal + five yards = no good. Then after a punt + penalty = an Arizona possession starting on its own two, there’s a SACK and FUMBLE and CAPS LOCK!!!! NINERS WIN!! NINERS WIN!! MATH IS FUN!

This post isn’t for us to gloat about our 3-8 49ers, but after a brutal Cardinals loss, it’s really just an excuse to play this clip . (Just replace “Bears” with “49ers.” And pretend for a second that Dennis Green is actually a slim white guy with a gotee).

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Eli Manning likes karaoke


But what song is Young Eli singing? Help us figure this mystery out in the comments.

(Hat tip to The Hater Nation via Slam Online for the photo).

The Dennis Green Survival Rating: Final Episode

We’re running a new feature here at The Big Picture, called the Dennis Green Survival Rating. Because Green’s chair is so ass-burning hot, we thought we’d take a weekly look at how Green is surviving as coach of the Arizona Cardinals.

Much like EDSBS’s Chuck Amato Survival Meter, the Dennis Green Survival Rating will analyze just how screwed Green is by comparing him to royalty. Why royalty? Because, “if you want to crown ’em, crown their ass.” When Green reaches the “King” level, he’s as good as fired.

And, folks, the time has come. The Arizona Cardinals front office has finally crowned Green’s ass and has sent Denny to the unemployment line.

Green, after leading the Cardinals to a disappointing 5-11 record, was fired Monday, after going 16-32 in three seasons with Arizona.

Those miles away saw this coming. Ever since the debacle against Chicago in Week 6 of the season, Green’s buttocks have been sweating. That’s around the time we started this little feature, where we follow the weekly survival chances of our dear Green.

But for the last time, Green has been given the throne and he has reached the King Level Ranking this week, signaling the end of his regime in Arizona. And with the lack of success the last three years with the Cardinals, we’ll have to wait and see if Green will have a new regime anytime soon.

The Dennis Green Survival Rating

We’re running a new feature here at The Big Picture, called the Dennis Green Survival Rating. Because Green’s chair is so ass-burning hot, we thought we’d take a weekly look at how Green is surviving as coach of the Arizona Cardinals.

Much like EDSBS’s Chuck Amato Survival Meter, the Dennis Green Survival Rating will analyze just how screwed Green is by comparing him to royalty. Why royalty? Because, “if you want to crown ’em, crown their ass.” When Green reaches the “King” level, he’s as good as fired.

Break up the Cardinals. Arizona, winners last week over divisional foe St. Louis, let the Seattle Seahawks know not to mess with Green and the Cards, beating Seattle 27-21 Sunday. Arizona is now 4-9 with three of those wins coming against the NFC West. Think the division crown’s in the bag do ya, Mike Holmgren. Just wait…

As for Green, well, he remains on safe ground. Last week he was given the Princess Level Ranking and he’s heading in the right direction for the second straight week.

Let’s call it the Count Level Ranking this week. What’s a Count? Don’t have the slightest clue. Though they did make a movie about some Count from Monte Cristo or something. If you’re curious as to what a Count is, just read here.

After tireless research, we’ve come to the conclusion that a count is some form of a nobleman. We could see Green being a nobleman. We would much rather call him an earl…not really sure why, just would.

The Cardinals play on the field has been remotely noble lately. And Green, as the commander of the ship, seems to be righting the vessel in the right direction.

In other news: After throwing for nearly 400 yards and five touchdowns Sunday, Drew Brees’ birthmark has seemingly disappeared.

The Dennis Green Survival Rating

We’re running a new feature here at The Big Picture, called the Dennis Green Survival Rating. Because Green’s chair is so ass-burning hot, we thought we’d take a weekly look at how Green is surviving as coach of the Arizona Cardinals.

Much like EDSBS’s Chuck Amato Survival Meter, the Dennis Green Survival Rating will analyze just how screwed Green is by comparing him to royalty. Why royalty? Because, “if you want to crown ’em, crown their ass.” When Green reaches the “King” level, he’s as good as fired.

What have we here? The Cardinals won?! On the road?! Against the Rams?! Strange, indeed. Arizona beat St. Louis 34-20, keeping Green’s ass cool for another week.

The win couldn’t have been the work of Edgerrin James, who’s at the top of our list of “people single-handedly fucking our fantasy team.” While James had a decent game yardage wise, it was his counterpart, Marcel Shipp, who was scoring on (and probably off) the field.

And thanks to Marcel, Green’s proverbial ship is still afloat.

Green, who was pushed all the way to the brink last weekend, getting a Queen Level Ranking, has settled down this week with the nice win. He’s moving in the right direction as he gets the Princess Level Ranking this time around.

But Green is no Princess Leia. Leia is at the top of the Princess hierarchy as the sexy bitch has every guy rocking with that get-up she wore when chillin’ with Jabba the Hutt. He’s more of a Princess Padme, who’s rigid and falls in love with the Dark Side.

While Green’s sitting pretty (or prettier) this week, he’s not out of the woods yet.

In other news: The Eagles beat the Panthers 27-24 Monday, as Philadelphia QB Jeff Garcia outed Carolina’s defense.

The Dennis Green Survival Rating

We’re running a new feature here at The Big Picture, called the Dennis Green Survival Rating. Because Green’s chair is so ass-burning hot, we thought we’d take a weekly look at how Green is surviving as coach of the Arizona Cardinals.

Much like EDSBS’s Chuck Amato Survival Meter, the Dennis Green Survival Rating will analyze just how screwed Green is by comparing him to royalty. Why royalty? Because, “if you want to crown ’em, crown their ass.” When Green reaches the “King” level, he’s as good as fired.

Denny’s chair had cooled off. Things were good. Times were calm. Green was happy.

The Cardinals coach had dropped all the way down to the Jester Level last week and seemed to be heading in the right direction.

But after losing 31-26 to Minnesota, Green’s ass is nice and spicy again. We’ll knock him back up to the Queen Level after losing in a stadium where he once coached pretty well.

He’s like Queen Elizabeth II. She’s still in power, having reigned over England for over 50 years. Green’s tenure is not even close to that, but both have something in common: people want them out. Elizabeth needs to hand over the crown and Green may just want to hand over the whistle. If he has one. He may not.

A balanced offense may have helped Green win games with the Vikings, but not so much with the Cards. Arizona had 5 rushes for 17 yards Sunday, while Matt Leinart threw 51 times and likely planted his seed in some Scandinavian broad.

It’s just a matter of time now before Green is out. But if the 2-9 squad can get another win or two, maybe Green, for the sake of football fans and hecklers everywhere, will last through the season.

In other news: North Carolina beat Ohio State 98-89 Wednesday but may get a rematch on Jan. 8 in Glendale, Ariz.

Dennis Green is clearly influential