Yahoo’s ‘projected’ fantasy points are bullshit

In the land of projections, hypotheticals and unicorns, we are 6-5, hung like Ron Jeremy and have the looks of both Brad Pitt and Denzel.

And our fantasy football team, clearly, wins all the time.

But we don’t live in that magical world. Rather we live in an “actual” world, where Willie Parker doesn’t score touchdowns and Jeff Reed takes pictures of his penis instead of kicking field goals.

Fantasy Football has pissed us off all season; we see it as a sure-fire way to be in a pissed off mood on Sundays.

But our team is raw. C’mon, look at that team. Indestructible.

Naturally, we were “projected” to win our playoff game because Reggie Wayne was “projected” to go for about 80 yards and a score and Willis McGahee and the hapless Ravens were “projected” to be a professional football team.

We went down in the playoffs; bitterness followed. We were “projected” to win. “Projected” to take home the hot chick with big cans in the halter top from the bar. “Projected” to fall in to piles of money like those kids from Cruel Intentions.

But life isn’t about projections. It’s about actuality. And our team can go “actually” fuck themselves.

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A letter to Willie Parker

Dear Mr. Parker,

Fuck you, asshole. If you run for over 100 yards again and fail to get in the endzone, we’ll kill your fucking dog. Don’t get to the century mark and fail to score? First born, bitch. (OK, not really. Just your dog.)

You are making Najeh Davenport look like a first-round fantasy back. That’s bullshit, Willie. You’re a first-round fantasy back and you’re more useless to our teams than Steven Hawking.

Take some initiative, Willie. We don’t give a fuck if you’re tired or if Mike Tomlin hates fantasy football owners, but if the Steelers are inside the 10, you need to put the football in the motherfucking endzone.

We don’t care how you do it. If you need to turn Davenport into Samuel L. Jackson from Unbreakable, so be it. You do what you need to do to win. And to help us win. And nothing less.

So we’ll give you one more week. Yeah, that’s an ultimatum. After your bye week, go for 100. Score. Fuck it. Score twice. And pretend, for just one game, that you’re a legitimate first round pick. If you don’t? You’re fucking toast.

Sincerely,
All of your Fantasy Football owners