The NFL has so much money. Like what the fuck? Like Pro Bowlers get even more money?! Are you fucking serious?! Fuck.


The Pro Bowl is bullshit anyway — though it doesn’t need to be — and it’s a meaningless game that’s more flawed than the people who allowed “Norbit” to be made.

And while a free trip to Hawaii isn’t enough, the players on the winning team each receive $40,000. Are you fucking serious?! Because multi-million dollar contracts don’t cut it, hey, take a free trip to Hawaii, play just hard enough to scratch out a win, and we’ll give you 40 grand for the hassle. Sincerely, The NFL.

Fuck. That’s a lot of money. Even if you lose, you get 20k. That could buy a shit load of tacos at Jack in the Box.

And with a $40,000 bonus, just winning the Pro Bowl gives these NFLers more money in three hours than the following professionals make in a year:

-High school teachers
-Journalists
-Nurses
-Bloggers
-Government officials

We suppose the NFL throwing around money is no surprise, but this seems a bit excessive. And in addition to his 40 g’s, Pro Bowl MVP Adrian Peterson was awarded a car. If we saw that vehicle, we’d key the shit out of it.

Advertisements

If Philip Rivers died a famous movie death…

Don’t read too much in to that headline. We do not want Philip Rivers to die a tragic, gruesome movie death. Frankly you could insert any athlete/sport figure’s name who you dislike for Rivers’.

It’s just Rivers is sorta in people’s minds and he’s really a cock-fuck who can go fuck himself. But, we must reiterate for you literal readers out there: we do not want bad things to happen to Rivers beside multiple interceptions and abstinence. This is just a fun way to talk about some awful things that could fictitiously happen to him in a fictitious movie world.

So here’s a list! Everyone loves lists. The top 10 ways to die a famous movie death…

10. Alan Rickman falls from Nakatomi Plaza in Die Hard.


There’s nothing like a long fall for Mr. Rivers. And who better to throw his ass out of a window? John McClane. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker. You, Philip, are the motherfucker.

9. Jon Voight gets eaten by an Anaconda in Anaconda.


Makes sense that Rivers, a giant dickbag, gets fucked up by an animal that is often used to describe a gigantic penis. Go eat a dick, Phil. Or, in this case, vice versa.

8. John Travolta gets shot while taking a shit in Pulp Fiction.


Rivers is probably like one of those rich guys in that Family Guy episode who claim his bowel movements smell like bakery fresh cinnamon rolls. Except this time, you get pumped full of led while taking your pleasant-smelling dump.

7. Elijah Wood gets his limbs cut off in Sin City.


Wood’s character in this surprisingly good movie was annoying as hell and the first thing we said when we saw it was, “it’d be cool if this guy gets his limbs sawed off.” Low and behold… But hey, it’d cut down on Rivers interception numbers.

6. Jaws explodes in Jaws.


Jaws was a badass. He probably pulled tons of fish pussy. And he went out epically. Rivers doesn’t deserve this hero’s fall, but getting your shit blown to eight million pieces is savage.

5. Dennis Hopper gets decapitated in Speed.


Yikes. This is like the one cool thing Keanu Reeves ever did. Phil’s IQ seems pretty equivalent to Keanu’s — “if this bus slows down, we are all going to die” — so a wrestling match on top of a speeding train would be pretty entertaining.

4. Steve Buscemi gets axed up and put through a wood chipper in Fargo.


This would make it hard to taunt fans…

3. Bad guy’s face melts off in Indiana Jones and Raiders of the Lost Ark.


This is one of the scariest scenes in cinema. Holy crap this freaked us out when we were 22. Man, imagine seeing this as a kid. Scary as hell. But Rivers sorta resembles our wide-mouthed friend in the photo above, so his face melting would be the obvious next step.

2. Guy gets curbed in American History X.


This is actually pretty fucked up. Yeah, this wouldn’t be funny to joke about.

1. Guy gets heart ripped out in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.


Rivers either doesn’t have a heart or it’s black and covered in ice. So to call upon the bad guy from Temple of Doom seems appropriate. Pull that shit out and set it on fire. Not like Rivers needs any more fire in him, though.

We’re sure we’ve left some good ones off the list. Yours please in the comments.

Patriots cross the line; and other cheap thoughts without much thought


Bill Belichick and the Patriots pushed us further than we’ve been pushed in a while. We can’t remember the last time a game with no direct ties to our rooting interests bothered us so much. Sure, there were some fantasy football implications (which, lately, has been the cause of instant anger), but this time it was beyond that.

The Pats, late in a rout, were showing no signs of sportsmanship, no signs of remorse, no signs of fucking humanity. They were disrespecting a good team with a better coach. They saw the line, laughed, and crossed it by a fucking mile.

The Pats shouldn’t have had Brady in at the start of the fourth quarter. Up 38-0, they certainly shouldn’t have had him passing. Then, on fourth and one, you kick the fucking field goal. And once you convert said fourth down they shouldn’t have been attempting in the first place, do not keep passing. Fucking ridiculous.

New England then went for it again on fourth down, up 45-0. Forty five to fucking nothing! Call the Mercy Rule or something. And even with Brady out, the Pats were still throwing the ball. We don’t give a fuck if they wanted to give the backup work. Run the ball up the middle for three plays and then punt the ball. Anything else is bullshit. Motherfucking, ass-raping bullshit.

In college, where running up the score actually matters for something, you won’t see coaches passing up by 40 points. Those collegiate coaches certainly wouldn’t go for it on fourth down.

We kept watching, glued to the TV expecting something big to happen. New England’s antics were the type that would result in the ‘Skins starting a brawl. Seriously. We were waiting for a cheap shot, late hit, helmet-to-helmet. Something. We were curious if Gibbs would still have enough class to shake Belichick’s hand after the game. (He did, quickly).

You know — you just fucking know — that those cock-sucking Boston fans were rooting for the Pats to run it up too. They wanted 100. There probably wasn’t one person in the state of Massachusetts who was thinking that Belichick was taking this one too far.

The statement was made by halftime. When the game was really out of hand late in the third, put in the backups, call dives, off-tackles and fucking QB kneels.

We’re very disappointed, and that’s not a common emotion of ours. Usually it’s as simple as happy, angry or horny. But this went too far. The Patriots used to be a classy organization. Now they’re callous assholes who couldn’t tell sportsmanship from arrogance.

Fuck you Mr. Belichick. You should be ashamed. May you get hit by a car. Scratch that. Bus. A big fucking bus.

(Here’s an article by our former colleague Les Carpenter, now with the Washington Post [Registration required, but do it. It takes 30 seconds and it’s worth it]. It hints at what we feel, though most of the players and Gibbs gave the quotes you’d expect, and blamed themselves more than anything).

Meanwhile...

-The lady pictured is British hottie Keely Hazell. After watching the National Football League from London, it’s clear that there is only one attractive person in all of England.

-Tony Siragusa’s meat of the day: salami.

-Be honest. You thought Cleo Lemon was white.

-Two teams heading in the right direction: Saints and Chargers. Looks like natural disasters can have their positive effects, after all.

-Did David Carr start hanging out in San Francisco’s Castro District? That long hair and glove has Lance Bass wet.

-Shannon Sharpe said 11 words clearly during halftime off the Colts-Panthers game. Last week: nine.

-That fucking obnoxious FOX robot? Really Terry Bradshaw.

-Oh, the 49ers have seemingly forgot how to play football. Young Alex Smith and David Carr would be a cute couple.

-With the Pats up by 600, we’re still at Gillette Stadium. And while Jacksonville-Tampa is the only legit game going and it’s on CBS, you’d think that FOX would at least mention that there is competitive football being played Sunday.

-Vinny Testaverde joke of the day (no, not his stats or us foolishly starting him in one fantasy league): Testaverde hurt, Panthers turn to “Western” medicine.

-At a dinner party next week, when Bob Griese is asked how his son is, he’ll reply, “what son?”

-Willie Parker, after multiple 100-yard-no-TD games, has decided that scoring is cool too and got in the endzone. Elsewhere, man walks on moon.

-Were the Brits booing the Giants taking a knee or Eli Manning throwing for 58 yards?

-Seen the movie Smoking Aces? The day a hit is put out for Brady or Belichick the same way it is for Buddy Israel, rain drops will turn to fucking jelly beans.

-We didn’t see pictures from the Minnesota-Philly game, but word has it that Kelly Holcomb was playing, so we’ll just assume an Eagles win and 78 carries for Adrian Peterson.

Fuck Boston, Part Deux


By request from readers John and Josh


Fuck the Red Sox.

Game 2 can go eat an asshole. We don’t care that Curt Schilling still plays baseball or that Matt Holiday got caught leaning. Sox fans can wipe their pansy-ass smiles off their faces and learn how to fucking talk right.

Fuck Boston College.

Was Doug Fluke-ie playing QB for the Eagles Thursday? This is not good for the purity of college football. Or maybe it is. You know there’ll be hell to pay if BC and Ohio State are playing for a National Championship. Meanwhile, No. 32 loves the cock.

Fuck onside kicks

Fuck spelling “calendar” wrong.

Fuck Ben Affleck

Fuck the River Dance

Fuck chowder

Fuck Samuel Adams Boston lager

Fuck those alcoholics who order Sam Adams in the commercial.

Fuck Haaar-vad

Fuck Fleet Bank

Fuck KG

Fuck Bunker Hill

Fuck Aerosmith

Fuck Boston

Fuck the Red Sox.

Enough of their shit. Really. At this point, the Sox are just as bad as the Yankees. Their payroll is second in the Majors and is nearly $100 mil more than that of the Rockies. So — and stick with us here — wouldn’t a Colorado victory in the World Series be 100 million times more valuable than a Sox win?

Fuck the Patriots.

Go after Brady’s fucking knees already. And can’t Belichick show some class? Running it up against the hapless Dolphins? Pfft. He’d be the type of high school coach who drops 80 points on that pathetic team which starts all underclassmen and then call his own kids pussies after the game for having to punt twice.

Fuck Boston College.

Beating Georgia Tech is not beating someone. If the Eagles somehow sneak in to the BCS title game, we’re gonna have to hire Frank Costello to whack Matt Ryan before kickoff.

Fuck tea.

Fuck the Bean Pot.

Fuck Bill Simmons.

Fuck phony accents.

Fuck Thomas M. Menino. (Don’t know who he is? Look it up.)

Fuck the Celtics.

Fuck CITGO.

Fuck Fever Pitch.

And, somehow, we think Johnny Damon must be to blame for all of this.

And please, feel free to leave your own hate in the comments. Get it all out, people. It’s therapeutic. Really.

Teams we can all root against

It doesn’t matter what city they’re in, what sport they play, or what uniforms they wear. Certain teams fucking suck. And there are a lot of teams out there who, we believe, everyone can collectively hate.

So we put together a list — organized by sport — of some teams that we think we can all root against together.

Call us out in the comments if we’re way off. And, of course, leave your thoughts on the teams you personally hate (think: geographical reasons). Our list of teams we hate will lead things off.

Let the hate begin…

MLB:

Red Sox
– Most obnoxious fans, evah. Fack you, ya facking queers.
Yankees – Like we need a reason.

NFL:

Patriots
– See Red Sox comment. And Brady’s a cockweasel.
Cowboys – You just know the owner of America’s Team was once a card-carrying member of the KKK.

NBA:

Lakers – Yeah, ugh, Kobe raped somebody.

College football:

Notre Dame – Who’s on your side now, bitch?
Alabama – Really it’s just Nick Saban people hate. He’s a cunt.

College basketball:

Duke – A few reasons: Laettner. Hurley. Battier. Redick. Coach K.
North Carolina – Powder blue is a fucking girl’s color.

All right, folks. Spew your hate in the comments…