A FOX producer was either in a marching band or plugged up a band member with a clarinet

Our friends at Awful Announcing told you all about how ridiculous FOX’s coverage of the Orange Bowl was last week. According to AA, FOX cameras found a band member from either team 110 times, which is about 108 times too many.

Things weren’t much better for Monday’s National Championship. Those fucking bands were on TV more than the teams. We didn’t count the shots, but it was probably about two hundred thousand. Bloody hell.

American Pie told you all the goodies that happen at band camp, so we were crossing our fingers we’d get a shot of a trumpet player getting sodomized with a trombone or a shot of the sultry saxophonist getting a facial from the drum line.

Meanwhile, after about 900 looks at the Ohio State band, we’ve fully decided they are dressed more appropriately for war than for football. They look like the French fucking army. Those berets are a combination of hideous and horrendous.

But hey, Thom Brennaman was fucking great. The same enthusiasm you’d hear for a preseason game. Thanks, Thom.


Joe Buck is exciting

Burly Sports comes up with this great video of what certain historic sporting events might sound like if they’re dusted with the monotone of Joe Buck.

Buck, a personal favorite or ours, never quite learned the use of voice inflexion. But monotone is good. As is cauliflower, BET and high cholesterol.

CFB coverage > NFL coverage


9:01 PST: Wake up. With wood.
9:05: Get out of bed.
9:07: Get in shower.
11:42 9:29: Get out of shower. (It’s a running joke with family and friends. We take really fucking long showers. And we don’t even give ourselves a tug. Honest.)
9:31: Start watching Nebraska vs. Wake Forest.
9:32: Realize Bill Callahan is probably a bigot.
9:32 and 27 seconds: Switch channel to Miami vs. Oklahoma.
9:33: Decide that The U is more successful when undisciplined.
9:35: Morning wood starting to go away.
9:36: Switch to Marshall vs. West Fuckin Virgina. Enjoy a close game. (For a while, anyway).
10:05: Eat some french toast. With fucking cinnamon and nutmeg in the batter. French toast batter without cinnamon and nutmeg is like getting head with a fucking rubber on.
11:01: Leave for UW pre-game (or pre-funk, pre-party, pre-fiesta, pre-dag-nasty).
11:04: Ask if someone had taken a piss in our Bud Light can. (They said no, “But we have Coors instead.” We held back a smug comment).
11:06: Continue watching multiple football games.
12:03: Get to Husky Stadium. Watch Huskies beat Boise State.
4:06: Leave Husky Stadium, go to work.
5:01: Arrive one minute late to work.
5:01 and 10 seconds: Turn on Penn State vs. Notre Dame.
5:03: Realize that Notre Dame is bad, Jimmy Clausen will soon be the butt of herpes jokes, and Charlie Weis would be fucking raw at sumo wrestling.
5:05: Change to Georgia vs. South Carolina. Watch for a while. Enjoy good, SEC football.
5:25: Check in on Texas vs. TCU. Blow out. Too much “Don’t mess with Texas” bullshit.
5:26: Do some work…complain about it.
6:01: Tune in to beginning of LSU vs. VA Tech. Avoid making tasteless joke.
6:15: Start watching Auburn vs. South Florida.
7:31: Oh, Arizona State vs. Colorado is on FSN?! Fuck yeah.
7:33: What the fuck is Versus? Didn’t that used to be OLN? Whatever. This Versus shit is showing Wisconsin vs. UNLV. Booyah!
7:41: In unison with coworker, blogger and college football homie, say, “College football is fucking awesome!”
11:14: Leave work late. (Don’t ask). Arizona State game is still on. Blowout, but who fucking cares at this point? College football was on for over 12 hours!
11:21: Get home from work. Take care of late-night wood.


10:01 PST: Wake up.
10:03: Start watching Green Bay vs. Philly.
10:04: Realize that watching an NFC game is like watching paint dry or water boil or something else that’s incredibly fucking boring.
10:05: Change channel to Denver vs. Buffalo. Root on Marshawn Lynch like a motherfucker. (He’s our fantasy stud).
10:20: Look for third TV game. No luck.
10:22: Turn on our Slingbox — fucking awesome invention! — which tunes in to our Bay Area TV.
10:23: Notice the Bay Area is seeing the same two games.
10:24: Say fuck.
11:06: Start jumping up and down like a little kid on Christmas when Lynch scores.
12:55: With roommate, try to decide if Shannon Sharpe sounds like he has a ball gag in his mouth or just has an abnormally large tongue. Decide on ball gag.
1:10: Afternoon games begin.
1:11: FOX has local coverage. Seahawks vs. Tampa. See 10:04 comment.
1:15: Check CBS. Tennis. Fuck.
1:16: Check Slingbox. Oh good, Raiders vs. Lions.
1:17: Start tying noose.
1:18: Consider sending an email to FOX saying, “There are three afternoon games. Through the wonders of technology, we are watching two of them. We are not seeing Chicago vs. San Diego. Will you please consider throwing yourself in to the middle of the freeway? Thanks! Sincerely, The Big Picture.
1:21: Say fuck again.
4:02: Masturbate thinking about NFL Sunday Ticket.
4:15-midnight: Do some other shit that’s none of your motherfucking business.

Hating Fox Sports Part 6: Scooter

If you’ve been able to stomach Fox’s MLB telecasts over the last few years you’ve probably had the misfortune of seeing “Scooter,” Fox’s attempt to make their game broadcasts more appealing, and apparently informative, to kids. According to Wikipedia, Scooter was designed “to explain different types of pitches with the education of children in mind.” As is the case with Joe Buck and Tim McCarver, the guys behind MLB on Fox apparently don’t know a bad thing when they find it. Despite quite a few negative reactions to Scooter, Fox has kept him around.

If you’ve never seen Scooter, consider yourself lucky. He looks something like this, although apparently pictures of him don’t exist on the internet. He whooshes on screen and in an annoying voice butchers explanations of different types of pitches. He typically says something like “a curveball is a ball that curves on its way to the plate.” Enlightening.

Last night Scooter made what we believe to be his first appearance of the 2006 postseason, and his schtick was taken to a new low. This time they had Jeff Suppan’s head floating on the screen next to Scooter, and in an irritating, condescending tone of voice, Suppan explained that a change-up is a fastball that goes really really slow. Of course, if it goes slowly, it’s not a fastball at all, is it? This explanation is insulting. If they’re trying to educate children they should have said that a change-up is a pitch that looks like a fastball, but is much slower, so it fools the hitter. They could have demonstrated the various grips used to throw changeups, or shown footage of pitchers with really good ones (e.g. Johan Santana). Instead they probably went to an extra commercial break so we could have the pleasure of hearing “Our Country” for the 12,000th time of the night.

They might as well just change to name from “The World Series on Fox” to “The World’s Largest Crappy Baseball Broadcasting Party.”

Read more about how Fox Sports sucks here here, here, here and here, as well as here, here, and here.

In other news: Much to our chagrin, the “great fans” in St. Louis are continuing to imitate this.

Hating Fox Sports, Part 5: NASCAR

Take your Ford Taurus, pull it out of the driveway, take it around the corner, and speed — say 45 MPH in a 25 MPH-zone — and you have NASCAR in a nutshell.

It’s one thing that NASCAR is boring as hell. C’mon, cars spend a couple of hours driving in a fucking circle while backwoods hicks look on and pass the time by flirting with their sister. NASCAR is one of those things that cater to the type of people who own guns and bang their siblings. Just gross.

And Fox, out of all stations, broadcasts this event. (NASCAR is by no means a sport). The races are seldom exciting and the stars, such as Jeff Gordon and Dale Earnhardt Jr., are nearly as hick-like as the folks who are watching them go in circles. Apparently the commentators of this monstrosity are none too good either. Monkey Outta Nowhere had this to say about Fox’s coverage:

“They were full of hick sayings, bad metaphors, and just plain poor coverage.”

NASCAR is an unsophisticated, unintelligent, gun-bearing social gathering. And Fox is right there to bring it to your living room. http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif

Don’t get too dizzy.

Read more about how Fox Sports sucks here, here, here and here.

In other news: American skier Bode Miller was disqualified from the Alpine combined Tuesday for straddling Michelle Kwan.

Hating Fox Sports, Part 4: Joe Buck

Let’s face it: Joseph Buck is a daddy’s boy. His father, longtime great commentator, Jack, was legendary. And son, Joseph, is anything but.

Craig Barker, commenting on bravesbeat.com, suggested that Joseph, “Will sell anything Fox tells him to sell. He’ll promote anything. He’s a pathetic corporate ‘yes’ man riding his no talent ass on his father’s coattails.”

That seems just about right. He resembles a puppet (or one of those dudes from “Team America“) and seems to be a puppet for Fox Sports as well.

We’ve ripped on good ol’ Joe pretty good here at The Big Picture. We’ve compared him to a brick wall, stuffed animal and an asshole. Stating the obvious, he’s all of the above.

It’s not so much that Joseph says stupid things from time to time. I can look past that. It’s how he calls the game. He can make the most exciting game, play or moment as dull as his love life. For example, after the Chicago White Sox won their first World Series in 300 years, he said something monumental and profound like, “And the White Sox have won the World Series” in a monotone voice that public speaking teachers will tell you to never, ever use.

It’s safe to say that if ESPN’s Mike Patrick (one of my favorites) was calling that game, he may have had a fucking heart attack in pure jubilation and excitement. There’s nothing exciting about Joseph.

Football is no better. Hearing him call a playoff game is agonizing. Buck’s ignorance, and gift for making things boring, makes his partner in crime (and perhaps in bed), Troy Aikman, sound far better than he actually is.

According to Wikipedia, an online encyclopedia, Joseph has won numerous Sports Emmy Awards, which apparently get handed out to anybody who has access to a microphone.

Joseph is bad for sports, bad for fans and bad for society. The Big Picture certainly does not salute you and prefers that you take no part in calling anything that people actually plan to watch.

Read more about how Fox Sports sucks here, here and here.

Hating Fox Sports, Part 3: Best Damn Sports Show, Period

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the numbers are in, and it turns out that Fox’s Best Damn Sports Show, Period is not actually the best damn sports show period.

It’s not even close.

There are many sports shows that trump Fox’s late-night, sports disaster. Officials have said that ABC’s Sports Night — a fictional show about a sports TV station, which lasted for about 27 minutes — was far better than the Sixth or Seventh Best Damn Sports Show, Semicolon.

“We really blew it with that one,” admitted tyrannosaurus rex, Rupert Murdoch. “I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking putting those douche bags on air.”

The “douche bags” Murdoch spoke of were hosts Chris Rose, John Salley, Rodney Peete and Rob Dibble.

Chris Rose, like most Fox-style broadcasters, adds as much to the program as a stuffed animal. John Salley, aside from being good at being very tall, isn’t very good at anything. Rob Dibble is more ‘roided than the Bay Area and Rodney Peete is more washed up than a bar of soap.

The show originally featured Tom Arnold as the host. Turns out that Arnold knew about as much about sports as Arnold Schwarzenegger does about governing. Ironically, Arnold’s best performance was as Gov. Schwarzenegger’s sidekick in the movie True Lies.

Hot chick Lisa Guerrero was on the show for a brief time and occasionally makes guest appearances. She’s really the only good thing about the show. Because she’s knowledgeable and contributes to the discussion? Of course not. It’s because she’s way hot.

Fortunately for sports fans of all ages, this catastrophe airs at 10:30 p.m., so most people should either be asleep or getting hammered at a local bar instead of watching Fox Sports Net.

Because, after all, we hate Fox Sports and everything about it.

In other news: USC’s Reggie Bush has announced he will run for president while George W. Bush has said he will turn pro.