Get Well Big Brown

Big B, what’s happenin’, Buddy? Barbaro here. Listen I just wanted to tell you to get well soon. I heard you were hurting, but that things seem to be going OK. Look, we all know what can happen to a horse when their rehab doesn’t go well, so do what you can to get better. You don’t want to end up here with me. Well maybe you do — the pussy’s to die for. (Get it?! Get it?!) But only after you’ve won the Triple Crown and studded about 1,000 kids. I never got to do all that shit. But I want to see you do it. So get better. And kick some ass in the Belmont. Do it for Barbaro.

P.S. Eight Belles says she’s got somethin’ special for ya if you win.


One more leg for Big Brown

America is on board with a horse whose name sounds like either a pornography actor or a weak attempt at toilet humor.

Big Brown, after crushing the field in the Preakness, is one win away from joining the likes of Seattle Slew, Affirmed and Secretariat by winning the first Triple Crown in 30 years.

The way Big Brown is running, it doesn’t seem like we’ll have a repeat of 2002-04 where War Emblem, Funny Cide and Smarty Jones, respectively, won the first two legs before losing the Belmont Stakes and being forgotten like the loser of any championship series.

It’s nice to see a horse running so well, and for people to rally behind an animal. For some reason though, we’re half expecting Big Brown to break a leg. Literally, unfortunately.

Barbaro ‘just tryin’ to get by’ in Horsey Heaven

Trust us when we say this: Horsey Heaven might not be as rosy as you think. We have proof!

Hey The Big Picture! Wassup!? It’s me, Barbaro. I saw what you wrote about Eight Belles yesterday and decided to stop by, say hi and set the record straight: Horsey Heaven is a fucking sausage fest. I’m just tryin’ to get by.

You think, “Oh now that Barbaro has a foxy filly up here he’s all set to make some little Barbaros.” But it ain’t like that.

I’ve got some serious competition, bro. Just ‘cause I’m all famous and shit you forget about the other stallions that died racing just like me. Funfair ate it at the Breeders’ Cup Mile in 2005, so he has an extra year of experience. Then there’s Pine Island who came up after the ’06 Breeders’ Cup Distaff. And don’t forget about George Washington who ate shit at the Breeders’ Cup Classic in ’07.

So if you think I’m going to be “tappin’ that ass” or “hittin’ it” or whatever it is you jackoffs say, think again. I’ve barely got a word in to Belles. And I see the way she looks at the other horses. It’s like I don’t even exist.

And maybe I don’t want Belles. You ever think about that, dipshits? I don’t need no second-place horse. Besides, the way we keep droppin’ on the track, another filly will be up here in no time. I’ll land me a winner.

Sorry if I came off rude or disrespectful. Things just aren’t what you might expect. But good will prevail. I will prevail. Because I am Barbaro.

Take care, The Big Picture.

Warm regards,

So that’s that. Call us corrected.