One more leg for Big Brown


America is on board with a horse whose name sounds like either a pornography actor or a weak attempt at toilet humor.

Big Brown, after crushing the field in the Preakness, is one win away from joining the likes of Seattle Slew, Affirmed and Secretariat by winning the first Triple Crown in 30 years.

The way Big Brown is running, it doesn’t seem like we’ll have a repeat of 2002-04 where War Emblem, Funny Cide and Smarty Jones, respectively, won the first two legs before losing the Belmont Stakes and being forgotten like the loser of any championship series.

It’s nice to see a horse running so well, and for people to rally behind an animal. For some reason though, we’re half expecting Big Brown to break a leg. Literally, unfortunately.

Barbaro’s getting laid tonight!

We don’t mean to be callous, insincere or disrespectful; seeing that filly break her ankles and be put down after a fantastic run in the Derby dampened a bright day at Churchill Downs.

But after the brief “horse racing is cruel to animals” thoughts, our next reaction: there’s gonna now be some pussy for Barbaro up in horsey heaven.

It’s just the way we think. We try to make light of situations that probably shouldn’t joked about it. A horse was fucking beaten by an elf, ran a helluva race, and then collapsed. Why is horse racing still mainstream? Where’s PETA during all of this?

But it all comes back to Barbaro. May he and Eight Belles find happiness together, somewhere, someplace.

Horses can probably act. And by ‘probably,’ we mean ‘certainly.’

In readiness for Saturday’s (or Sunday? Saturday, right?) Kentucky Derby, here’s what it’d sound like if the Derby’s contenders re-enacted famous movie scenes. From a laughter filled email thread…

From Big Picture friend, D.O.:

Circular Quay: I told those fucks down at the league office a thousand times that I don’t roll on Shabbos!
Scat Daddy: What’s Shabbos?
Circular Quay: Saturday, Scat Daddy, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means that I don’t work, I don’t get in a car, I don’t fucking ride in a car, I don’t pick up the phone, I don’t turn on the oven, and I sure as shit don’t fucking roll! Shomer shabbos!
Nobiz Like Shobiz: Circular Quay…
Circular Quay: Shomer fucking shabbos.
Nobiz Like Shobiz: Oh fuck it.

From Big Picture brother, Adam:

Street Sense: Who’s Any Given Saturday
Dominican: Ahh fuck!
(Beat)
Dominican: How do you shoot Scat Daddy in the back, agent Stormello? What if you miss?

From us:

Any Given Saturday: What does Marcellus Wallace look like?
Hard Spun: What?
Any Given Saturday:
What country you from?
Hard Spun: What?
Any Given Saturday:
What ain’t no country I ever heard of. They speak English in What?
Hard Spun:
What?
Any Given Saturday:
ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER! DO-YOU-SPEAK-IT?
Hard Spun:
Yes.
Any Given Saturday:
Then you know what I’m saying.
Hard Spun:
Yes.
Any Given Saturday:
Describe what Marcellus Wallace looks like.
Hard Spun:
What, I-?
Any Given Saturday:
[pointing his gun] Say what again. SAY WHAT AGAIN. I dare you, double dare you, motherfucker. Say what one more goddamn time.
Hard Spun:
He’s b-b-black.
Any Given Saturday:
Go on.
Hard Spun:
He’s bald.
Any Given Saturday:
Does he look like a bitch?
Hard Spun:
What?
[Any Given Saturday shoots Hard Spun in shoulder.]
Any Given Saturday:
DOES HE LOOK LIKE A BITCH?
Hard Spun:
No.
Any Given Saturday:
Then why you try to fuck him like a bitch, Hard Spun?

You can name all three movies, right? They’re pretty much give-away quotes. Give us your best in the comments.

FYI 1: That’s a picture of two horses fucking. The one on top may or may not be Barbaro.

FYI 2: Our milk money’s on Storm in May.