Rick Ankiel, your 2007 NL MVP

No, we’re not high.
No, we did not put cocaine on our French toast instead of powdered sugar.
No, we’re not drunk.
Yes, we’re pretty hung over.
No, the brunette chickened out and left, but the blonde, all alone, was still freak-a-licious.
Yes, we’re sorta nuts. Just sorta though.
No, we’re still not high.

Now that that’s out of the way, let us present to you the logical reason why Rick Ankiel would be our choice for NL MVP if certain things broke right.

What would need to “break right?” Well, the Cards would need to win the Central. If they don’t, our argument is history. Like that brunette.

OK, say the Cards somehow win the Central. At 68-68, St. Louis is only two back with a few weeks left in the season, so it’s entirely possible they jump both the Cubs and Brewers.

Now enter Ankiel. Through Wednesday, he’s hitting .338 with 7 home runs and 22 RBIs. Most importantly, the Cards are 16-9 since he’s been up and have gained ground on both Chicago and Milwaukee.

Secondly importantly (ya know, like what comes after “most importantly”) is that the NL MVP race is a joke.

Arizona doesn’t have a good enough hitter. Eric Byrnes? Fuck no. San Diego? Same problem. The Mets have both Reyes and Wright, but they might steal votes from each other, and frankly, neither have overwhelming enough numbers. (We suppose Ankiel doesn’t either, but fuck you). If Milwaukee wins the Central, Prince Fielder could be your boy, but remember, we’re figuring that St. Louis wins the Central. So fuck you again.

Yeah, Rick Ankiel for President. Errr…MVP. MVP. Rick Ankiel is going to win the MVP.


Best sporting day of the year

Holy shit! The summer can be soooo boring. Like nothing happened yesterday. We don’t think. A new video game was like the big story. We found ourselves watching the Food Network, followed by some shit on Oxygen, followed by Sportscenter fucking Sponge Bob.

To revert to happier times, back when watching TV was fun, Hypothetical Wednesday will focus on the best sporting day of the year from the perspective of a TV-watching fan.

Some things to consider:

-multiple games on said day?
-big party event?
-are tits somehow involved?
-could you, theoretically, watch a sporting event from the time you wake up, until the time you go to sleep?

We long for a day full of sports viewing, so bring back that loving feeling in the comments.

Who do you start your MLB team with?

We’ve had a lot of fun with our Hypothetical Wednesday posts, so we’ll keep it going. If you missed any, catch up here.

Today’s question: If you’re starting a Major League expansion team, who’d be the one player you build it around?

Some things to consider:

-Will said player sell tickets?
-How many tools?
-Do you go with a pitcher who throws just once every five days?

If you want to say Pedro Feliz, that’s your right. Your team might hit into 800 double plays and lose 123 games, but, like we said, it’s your right.

Think of the comment section as Hot Staci from sales: turn that shit out!

Our top five will lead things off in the comments.

The best stadium to watch an MLB game

We had a lot of fun with our little hypothetical post last week about the best city to live in, so we thought we’d keep this little game going.

Today’s question: best stadium to watch a pro baseball game?

Some things to consider:

-Hot chicks in the crowd?
-How passionate are the surrounding fans?
-Good view?
-Quality/variety of concessions
-Price of tickets, beer, etc.

Feel free to say Pro Player Stadium. We might tell you to go fuck yourself, but, ya know, feel free.

Our top five will lead off the comments.

Alrighty, baseball fans. The comment section is the back seat of an uncomfortable car, like a Volkswagen: get it on!

The best American city to live in

OK. Hypothetical Wednesday.

If you could live in any major U.S. city, what would it be?

Some things to consider:

-Who are the home teams?
-Good sports fans?
-Scenic place to live? Like, are there trees?
-General attractiveness of people
-Cost of living
-Proximity to other cool places
-Did we mention home teams? Yeah, that shit better be a high priority.

Try to put previous biases aside. The more objective we look at this, the better the discussion will be.

We’re guessing nobody’s gonna say Des Moines. But, yeah, feel free to…

All right. The comments section is your blunt: light that shit up!

Franchise names that don’t make sense

Got a case of the Tuesday’s? Yeah, that didn’t write so well, but you know what we mean: the start of the work week is about as popular as rug-burns.

Anyway, we read a Simmons column over the weekend. We like Bill, but he writes a bit too long and a bit too often about Boston sports. Still, there’s a reason he is where he is.

In his list of reasons he loves sports, he had this item:

No. 929: The Utah Jazz
I will never get used to this: One of our most white-bread American cities roots for an NBA franchise named for a musical movement created by African-Americans. It’s genuinely insane. You can brainstorm with your buddies all weekend to come up with a name for a sports franchise that makes less sense — there’s no way you’re topping Utah Jazz. Not even with Dallas Indians.

OK, Bill. You’re on. We’ll get the ball rolling, but we’re counting on you guys to help us out big time in the comments. These can be real teams or existing nicknames with new cities that make even less sense than the Utah Jazz. Are you up for the challenge? Are you?

-Los Angeles Lakers
-San Francisco 76ers
-Philadelphia 49ers
-Houston Islanders
-Washington Canadiens
-Phoenix Reign
-Portland Hurricanes
-Miami Diamondbacks

Your turn.

The sporting event you would like to attend in person: movie edition

Call it hypothetical week at The Big Picture.

Yesterday we asked if you could go to any historical sporting event, which one would it be? Well, we were talking with some colleagues the other day (one’s a blogger himself) and a new question arose:

If you could attend any sporting event that occurred in a movie, what would it be?

Here are some ideas to get the ball rolling…

Karate Kid (“Sweep the leg.” Sweep the fucking leg.)
Major League
Mighty Ducks (Triple deek, bitch).
Varsity Blues
The Natural
For Love of the Game

The comment section is your sandbox. Play nice.