Enjoy it now, Giants fans


Remember what happened last time the Giants were in the Super Bowl?

Yeah. Ravens 34, Giants 7. And that was a Baltimore team that didn’t have an offense. One’s gotta think that New England, on its quest to piss off the rest of the country and go undefeated, is going to make short work of New York.

Unless Brady gets picked off six times, the defense only goes hard for two downs at a time and a few guys get arrested in Phoenix, this game won’t be close.

So enjoy it now, Giants fans. There won’t be much to cheer about on Feb. 3.

Archie Manning has it good these days

Fuck. Two kids go to the Super Bowl in back-to-back years? He’s like the Father of the Decade. You know Archie lives through his two NFLers, so to see each reach the Super Bowl in consecutive years, he’s got to be creaming himself.

In fact, you’d think he’s taking frequent trips to sperm banks to get more winners out in the world.

Another reason for Bostonians and New Yorkers to want to jab each other in the eye with a pencil

There doesn’t seem to be as strong a Boston-New York hatred in football as there is in baseball. But here we are again: a huge game between the two most obnoxious fan bases in the country. The shit talking will be going on for two weeks while the rest of America just sort of shrugs its shoulders and turns the other way.

The happiest Giant? The long snapper.

The only time the long snapper is mentioned is when he fucks up. And he did. But he (and kicker Lawrence Tynes) righted the ship and got the Giants the win.

Thing is, read just about any recap of the game, and we dare you to find the long snapper’s name. We just tried and failed. That’s why we’re not referring to him by name because we don’t know who the fuck he is!

Had the Giants lost in OT after missing the very makeable game-winner in regulation, we bet the long snapper’s name would’ve made most articles. Better believe he’s happy in his anonymity.

Joe Buck can lie in the middle of the fucking freeway

We know we rip on Buck a ton, enough to merit his own tag, but c’mon, this was the NFC Championship Game, and a fucking good one at that. And we might as well be watching preseason amateur bowling.

Holy fuck is Buck hard to listen to. We had the game on in the background for a while because we had some work to do. The only way we knew what happened was based on the crowd reaction. That’s not right.

Does this get Eli off the hook?

It should. Maybe he’s taken too much heat all along. But don’t think for a second The Hater Nation will let up. No way.

Joe Buck is exciting

Burly Sports comes up with this great video of what certain historic sporting events might sound like if they’re dusted with the monotone of Joe Buck.

Buck, a personal favorite or ours, never quite learned the use of voice inflexion. But monotone is good. As is cauliflower, BET and high cholesterol.

Ugggghhhh, Joe Buck

Up in Seattle, with the Seahawks idle, we got the Eagles-Cowboys love affair on TV. Now the game was remarkably close, coming down to a game-sealing INT off of Drew Bledsoe in Philadelphia’s endzone. Exciting, right? And there was also this hyped story line about Cowboys OLB and Temple alum, Al Singleton, returning to the city where he played his college ball.

But with the Fox team calling the action — Joe buck (fuck you, asshole) and Troy Aikman (homer), of course — you would never have known these teams were playing a competitive football game.

Joe Buck makes the final drive, where Dallas has a legitimate chance to win a big game, sound like a first quarter punt. The man has no inflection in his voice.

Because of this, we’ve thought to generate a list of things that would be more entertaining, or that we would rather do, than listen to Joe Buck call a sporting event.

Here we go.

-Scrape our knees on uneven pavement.
-Have a six-hour layover in the Tulsa, Okla. airport. (Thanks JMC).
-Read “The Scarlet Letter.”
-Watch “The Scarlet Letter.”
-Stare at an abandoned warehouse.
-Clean the shower.
-Listen to Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing” with our grandparents.
-Explosive diarrhea.
-Have an intellectual conversation with an infant.
-Read a Steve Bisheff column.
-Milk a cow.
-Get dragged to see a romantic comedy.
-Swim with sharks.
-Eat dog.
-Move to Antarctica
-Hear Tim McCarver speak!

Now it’s your turn, folks. We know you’re funnier than we are anyway. So drop a comment listing some things you would rather do than listen to Joe Buck, well, do anything.

Fuck you, Joe Buck. Fuck you

We’ve had enough. Enough we tell ya. Joe Buck is on our TV set for far too long each Sunday and we’re sick and tired of it and him.

The Fox pregame show is a disgusting effort and Buck is 110% why. The guy should really just step in front of a fucking truck.

The boys over at Kissing Suzy Kolber had a nice piece on Buck Tuesday. Pulled some commentary from around the media and the consensus was that Buck sucks worse than a BJ from this chick.

We don’t like to rant. We really don’t. But Joe Buck just makes us so angry. And we know we’ve mentioned our distaste for him before, but we had to bring our hate of this man to your attention again. We’re by no means violent people, but Buck just makes us want to do mean stuff to him like either this or this (see no. 3).

Buck is so bad, we think he should shoulder the blame for everything that is wrong with this world. War. Blame Buck. Poverty. All his fault. Famine. Guess who? The world would just be a better place without Daddy’s Boy.

And just look at this man. He looks like a fucking ventriloquist doll. Something about him…huge head, combed hair, wide smile that says,”I’m better than you, you fucking asshole.”

Well guess what, Joe? You’re not better than us. Though your pompous-ass should probably be named like Charles Wellington or something fancy sounding like that. Buck is so proper, so arrogant and is happy to tell you that you are inferior to him.

The thought of Buck making money for what he does just boggles the mind. If we were you, Joe, we would look into a witness relocation program. Now.

Joe Buck makes us nauseous

And now we’ll be nauseous for two more hours a week.

Via The Mighty MJD, comes the news that Buck, in addition to being the play-by-play guy for the top Fox game each Sunday, will now host Fox’s NFL pregame show as well.

Holy fuck!

This is horrible news for most of the country/world/solar system. We don’t mind this as much as we should because that pre-game show starts at 8 a.m. on the West Coast, meaning we’re still in a deep sleep when Buck is making a mockery of broadcast journalism.

But still, the fact that this douche-weasel is getting what is essentially a promotion is beyond belief. Loyal readers of TBP (that’s The Big Picture, smarty) know that we hate Buck with a passion. His voice sounds like sand being thrown against a brick wall. Take the most dull objects you can think of, and, BAM!, you have Joe Buck in a nutshell.

In MJD’s post, we compared Buck to Ani DiFranco and then realized if the two mated, their child would be doomed.

Buck doesn’t seem destined to have sex with DiFranco, but being the butt-face he is, he doesn’t seem destined for sex at all. Loser.

In other news: Matt Leinart and the Arizona Cardinals have finally agreed to terms after Paris Hilton told Leinart that she’s only with him for his money.

Hating Fox Sports, Part 4: Joe Buck


Let’s face it: Joseph Buck is a daddy’s boy. His father, longtime great commentator, Jack, was legendary. And son, Joseph, is anything but.

Craig Barker, commenting on bravesbeat.com, suggested that Joseph, “Will sell anything Fox tells him to sell. He’ll promote anything. He’s a pathetic corporate ‘yes’ man riding his no talent ass on his father’s coattails.”

That seems just about right. He resembles a puppet (or one of those dudes from “Team America“) and seems to be a puppet for Fox Sports as well.

We’ve ripped on good ol’ Joe pretty good here at The Big Picture. We’ve compared him to a brick wall, stuffed animal and an asshole. Stating the obvious, he’s all of the above.

It’s not so much that Joseph says stupid things from time to time. I can look past that. It’s how he calls the game. He can make the most exciting game, play or moment as dull as his love life. For example, after the Chicago White Sox won their first World Series in 300 years, he said something monumental and profound like, “And the White Sox have won the World Series” in a monotone voice that public speaking teachers will tell you to never, ever use.

It’s safe to say that if ESPN’s Mike Patrick (one of my favorites) was calling that game, he may have had a fucking heart attack in pure jubilation and excitement. There’s nothing exciting about Joseph.

Football is no better. Hearing him call a playoff game is agonizing. Buck’s ignorance, and gift for making things boring, makes his partner in crime (and perhaps in bed), Troy Aikman, sound far better than he actually is.

According to Wikipedia, an online encyclopedia, Joseph has won numerous Sports Emmy Awards, which apparently get handed out to anybody who has access to a microphone.

Joseph is bad for sports, bad for fans and bad for society. The Big Picture certainly does not salute you and prefers that you take no part in calling anything that people actually plan to watch.

Read more about how Fox Sports sucks here, here and here.