This would make Donald Duck hard

After seeing the Oregon Duck fuck up the Houston Cougar, our initial thought was “When the hell is Oregon playing Notre Dame?”

(An editor of our at The Seattle Times sent us the video, but Larry Brown Sports, With Leather, Deadpsin, and pretty much anyone else with a computer or two functioning eyes gets credit too).

D-League mascot to make sweet love with Stanford Tree

OK, that headline’s a bit misleading — there will not be any love-making between two mascots. Not that we know about, anyway.

The Austin Toros’ mascot, Da Bull, nearly cost the D-league team a win the other night.

The mascot, known as Da Bull, prematurely ran onto the court and hung from the rim with .4 seconds remaining, apparently to punctuate center Loren Woods’ breakaway dunk that gave the Toros a four-point lead over Colorado.

While hanging from the rim, the Toros detailed in a news release Thursday, Da Bull collided with a Colorado player. At the point of contact, the mascot’s head, to his horror, fell to the floor.

The Toros were assessed a technical foul. The 14ers’ Von Wafer made the free throw, but Rick Rickert missed a 3-pointer that would have tied the score as time expired.

Oh, so that’s where Loren Woods is.

Here’s more:

Da Bull was suspended for two games and assigned by the team to 50 hours of community service. A replacement mascot will perform in his absence; Da Bull is expected to return to duty Feb. 2 when the Toros play the Bakersfield Jam.

A few things:

1. Was there alcohol? Like with Tree?
2. Just 50 hours of community service? Throw him in the fuckin’ clink!
3. The team is named the “Toros,” so shouldn’t the mascot be called El Bull?
4. When El Bull’s head came off, it was discovered that James Earl Jones was playing the part of the mascot.

(Big ups to tipster “kickers_suck” and With Leather for the story).

In other news: According to sources, despite being injured, Yao Ming led all Western Conference players in All-Star voting because, “he’s Asian.”

If the Stanford Tree falls in the forest…

Well, it’s probably just drunk again.

You may recall a while back that Tree drank a bit too much at a game between Cal and the Cardinal last February and made a bit of a scene. Erin Lashnits, who wore the tree suit, was then fired. Yes, mascots can get fired.

Then, just a month later, the new mascot — played by Stanford student Tommy Leep — got in trouble for refusing to leave the court after halftime of Stanford’s women’s tourney game against Florida State.

And just this past weekend, the NCAA came down with the penalty. Stanford University was fined by the NCAA and Tree was suspended from the 2007 Women’s NCAA Tournament.

Now really, isn’t this just a little silly? We’re talking about a mascot after all. But at this point, with Tree being so unique and rebellious, we wouldn’t be at all surprised to see the mascot show up at Stanford’s Oct. 7 meeting with Notre Dame and beat the hell out of the Notre Dame leprechaun with a giant pot of gold. Really just wallop the guy.

Or, if the Stanford Tree is gonna get suspended, it may as well do something that validates the suspension. C’mon, dancing on the court at halftime is nothing.

Why not a felony? Shit, rob a bank. Pull a Maurice Clarett and get pulled over with four loaded weapons, a bulletproof vest (!) and a bottle of Goose. Launder some money.

We respect Tree greatly — don’t get us wrong here — but cowboy up and get busted for something worthwhile already.

In other news: The Dallas Cowboys fined Terrell Owens $9,500 for missing cheer practice.

Yes, there is a mascot Hall of Fame

It’s been a tough few months for the mascots of America. We’ve had piles of fun with the Stanford Tree (whether it’s drinking or being rebellious) during the winter, Benny the Bull had a brush-in with the law last month, and just this past Saturday night, T-Rac of the Tennessee Titans, plowed his golf cart into the Saints’ Adrian McPherson .

But let’s take a step back from all the off-the-field drama and recognize six very special mascots that will be inducted into the Mascot Hall of Fame on Tuesday.

As you can see in the photo, we would like to congratulate the following mascots for their superior mascotry:

-Utah Jazz Bear (a fucking bear? Why not, um, a saxophone?)
-The Houston Rockets’ Clutch
-KC Wolf from the Chiefs (probably good thing they went with a wolf, rather than, say, a man portraying an indian chief in an overtly stereotypical way).
-Aubie the tiger
-Bucky the badger from the other UW
-YoUDee from Delaware. YoUDee is a Blue Hen. Don’t know about you, but we’ve never crossed paths with a blue hen.

Now we weren’t aware that there was a Mascot Hall of Fame. It’s one of those things that just goes under the radar, we suppose. But it’s good to recognize the best of the best in the world of in-game entertainment. And the Mascot HOF appears to be located in Philadelphia. So if you’re in the area…

These mascots have gone above and beyond — on and off the field — to bring smiles to children, charity to those in need, and to cuddle with hot chicks without taking any heat for it.

And soon, this mascot will be inducted. It’s just a matter of time.

Here’s to you, the mascot class of ’06! (Clink, clink).

In other news: Longtime NFL linebacker Junior Seau has decided to call it quits after new Dolphins QB Daunte Culpepper didn’t invite Seau to the team’s boat party.

Making sense of the Stanford Tree

For years we here at The Big Picture have been taught to hate Stanford. It’s just how it goes growing up in the East Bay: root for Cal, hate Stanford. But lately, we have developed a sort of secret crush on the Cardinal. Well, it’s not so much the team that we like (we think Chris Hernandez is a dick-wad), but that obnoxious tree mascot is perhaps the coolest one in the college ranks.

Last month, during a basketball game with Cal, Tree, as drunk as Eddie Sutton, blew a 0.157, puked on Leon Powe and then lost control of her bowels on the court. (The 0.157 part was true…the other stuff we’re sure is true…it just didn’t get reported). The person in the suit, Erin Lashnits, was then fired, expelled and killed. (Again, only the first part of that sentence was actually reported).

And now Monday, just a little over a month after the drinking, puking, shitting incident, the newest Tree was tossed out of the Stanford women’s tournament game against Florida State for refusing to clear the floor at halftime.

We saw some video of this, and Tree was really just dancing around, being obnoxious and probably taking hits off the crack pipe. But to eject a mascot? You may call it harsh, we’ll call it un-American.

As for Tree, well, it may be our new favorite mascot. Prior to the shenanigans that Tree pulled this year, our hands-down favorite was the St. Joseph’s Hawk. It’s not so much that Hawk is a boozer or clown, it’s Hawk’s dedication that we love so much. See, during a St. Joe’s’ game, Hawk stays in constant motion by flapping its wings throughout the entire basketball game. The whole fucking thing! You know how strong you have to be to flap your wings for two hours straight? Go ahead and try for two minutes. It’s tough we tell ya.

But Tree is certainly more rebellious than Hawk and we like rebellion as much as the next guy. But if Hawk decides to get loaded, flap his wings, yak, and keep on flappin’, well, Tree would take a backseat to our flappin’ friend from Philly. (If you get the chance, slug us for that alliteration).

In other news: The Indianapolis Colts signed kicker Adam Vinatieri after the Colts’ front office decided they didn’t want an “idiot kicker.”

Trees drink more than water


It’s been a tough couple of months for Stanford University.

Not only does the men’s basketball team suck this year, but the esteemed school was recently busted for taking football recruits to a gentlemen’s club (code word for sleazy titty-bar), and now the Stanford mascot, the famed Tree, has been caught, fired, and tarred and feathered for being toe-up-drunk at a Stanford basketball game last week against Cal.

According to the San Francisco Chronicle, fifth-year senior Erin Lashnits, who dresses as a tree for the university’s irreverent band, was stripped of her duties last week after her blood-alcohol level was measured at 0.157.

Wow! In California, legally drunk is .08 and this broad blew nearly twice that. (We think…math isn’t exactly our strong point). This gal hit the bottle early and often and late and often. We’re surprised she didn’t actually try to start playing in the game or, at the very least, blow chunks in the costume. That would’ve made for a lovely clean-up.

Often articles in a major paper like The Chronicle are accurate, but we just have this gut feeling that Eddie Sutton somehow made his way to the Bay Area last week and put on that silly suit.

Read more about The Tree going to town on the bottle here, and a funnier version here.

In other, more ironic news: BetUS.com has put down 6-1 odds that Rick Tocchet will be convicted on charges of promoting gambling and conspiracy to run a sports gambling operation.

(Thanks to the all-powerful Mighty MJD for that).