The Lehigh Valley IronPigs are not very good

It’s a good thing for Phillies fans that Double-A has become the new breeding ground for the top talent in baseball because the Phils Triple-A affiliate, Lehigh Valley, is off to, well, a slow start.

So we want to point you toward those International League standings where, in scenic Allentown, Pa., the Lehigh Valley IronPigs are off to kind of a rough start:

As in 5-29.

Amazingly, one pitcher — Brian Mazone — has four of their five wins. Which means the other 14 men who have gone to the mound for those IronPigs are a combined 1-26.

But here’s the good news: Their magic number is 14.

Not to make the playoffs, obviously. To avoid going down as the worst team in minor-league history.

If they win just 14 more games — which would compute to a 19-125 season — they would guarantee themselves a higher winning percentage than the late, great 1951 Granite Falls Graniteers of the Western Carolina League.

That team roared to the finish line, losing its last 33 games in a row to finish at 14-96.

Must be lots of fun to be in the clubhouse right now. Wait, what’s that you say? Kris Benson’s on the team?! Wow! Get him to cheat on Anna and it will be lots of fun in that clubhouse.

[Un-sexy update]: The Bensons got divorced. Like two years ago. Fuck.

[SEXY UPDATE!!!!]: Our boy Frigidevil points us towards this fantastic news!


Fort Myers Miracle want to lose money — but in a fun, gimmicky way

Man, marketing people are getting more and more creative.

The Fort Myers Miracle, a Single-A minor league baseball team in the Florida State League, will poke fun at the Florida Gators coach who backed out of his deal with the Orlando Magic when it hosts “Billy Donovan Night” on June 20.

Just like Donovan escaped his five-year, $27.5 million contract with the Magic, fans can try and negotiate their way out of their ticket purchase.

The contract, in this case, is the ticket. Fans will have up to the first three innings to restructure their deal, but even that’s negotiable.

The price of the ticket, the seat location and even a buyout can be arranged. Part of the negotiating process will involve making a free throw.

Our negotiation would go something like this: “This is Single A, our seat is in right field, there are no cheerleaders, there are no girls grinding on our lap, the ticket was overpriced, we’re far too sober, the foul pole doesn’t have a girl sliding down it, and ‘Sweet Dreams‘ isn’t playing between innings.”

Their rebuttal: “This is a baseball game, Sir. Not a Gentleman’s club.”

Us: “What’s your point?”

Oh, and what the fuck does a free throw have to do with anything? We’ll take it though. 90%, bitches. We’re getting our lap dance in our seat behind home plate for five bucks, thank you very much.

By the way, that’s a picture of a Fort Myers Miracle player, who, from the looks of it, has beat us to the whole stripper at the ballpark thing.