At least I’m not Geremi Gonzalez

Hello Big Picture readers. Allow me to address you directly. I’m having a hard time right now. Ever since I experienced the ultimate high of all highs upon meeting Bobby Hebert, things haven’t been so great. The next day I got sick (I think it was food poisoning). Then my summer job tried to low ball me with a shitty salary. Then, as if things weren’t bad enough, some asshole broke the window in my car. For the second time.

See this is weird. I live in a pretty nice neighborhood. It’s near the university, full of students, and generally pretty safe. But for the second time in two months somebody smashed the very same window in my car — the right rear door window. What did they take, you ask. Nothing. The first time my digital camera was in the car. The second time a set of golf clubs. Not nice ones or anything, but still. Why do you smash a car window and not take anything? And should I count myself lucky that nothing was stolen or unlucky that someone thinks my car is a glass punching bag? The worst part? That very same window got broken last summer by a total fluke accident when a friend of mine tapped the window with an empty bottle.

So what does this have to do with sports? Well, nothing. But after this happened I was pretty upset, until I realized that when you put things in perspective, getting a broken window isn’t that bad. At least I wasn’t killed by lightning. So, condolences to the Gonzalez family. And remember kids, there’s more to life than car windows.

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Couple has 18th child so they can field two full baseball teams

Have you heard of the Duggars? Well if you haven’t, here you go. Michelle and Jim Bob (you read that correctly) already have 17 kids, and are expecting No. 18, due on Jan. 1. Why so many kids? It seems clear to us at The Big Picture that they want to be able to field two full baseball teams.

This is the kind of thing you have to do when all your 17 kids are home schooled. Not to mention all of their names start with J, so clearly they’re too religious to let the kids have fun.

Of course, it will be about five years until the youngest one is old enough to play ball, and by that time the oldest will be 25 and there will probably be three or four more kids. Maybe we’re wrong about baseball and they just want to play some 11 on 11 football. Mom and Dad get to coach. Of course, Mom will probably miss the game because she’ll be in labor.

The only question now is, what name will they give the newest addition to the family? We’re thinking if it’s a boy it should be Jango, for this guy, and if it’s a girl? Easy, Jessica! Those are just OUR ideas… let’s hear yours in the comments. Or you could go vote for the lame ideas the Discovery Channel has.

Guns don’t kill people, drunk idiots kill people

By now we’re sure you’ve all heard about the Yankees fan who ran over a group of Red Sox fans, killing one of them. Not that we really want to make light of death two days in a row, but, well, you gotta do what you gotta do.

This further proves our longstanding credo: Guns don’t kill people, idiots kill people. And in this case, drunk idiots.

There are two lessons that can be learned from this tragedy. One, don’t be a drunken idiot. Two, don’t take sports so darned seriously. Rivalries are supposed to be, ya know, fun. You’re supposed to give your buddy a good natured ribbing, and point out that their team is inferior. And if you’re a Giants fan, you can always make the point that, well, every time a Dodger scores a run, an angel has its wings ripped off by a demon. You’re not supposed to kill each other.

This lady took things a little too far. And let’s face it. We see this much too often. People getting into fights outside stadiums or in bars, little league coaches berating their players or an umpire, stampedes outside of soccer games, or Ozzie Guillen losing his fucking mind. Chill out people, chill out.

Of course, there may be another side to this story. Maybe she was a little tipsy, and thought she was the driver, and the Red Sox fans Kobe Bryant, filming a commercial. She thought wrong.

And now she has a Band-Aid on her nose.

Iona coach wrongfully fired?

Some fun facts about Iona College:

Location: New Rochelle, NY.
Mascot: Gaels
Motto: Fight the good fight.
Enrollment: Approx. 4,800.
Type: Private and Catholic
Notable Alumni: Don McLean, the man behind “American Pie.”
Skeletons in Closet: Looks down upon Social Sciences, no quad, Dean of Students roots for Fordham, Gael looks like a leprechaun, athletic officials might be racist.

If there’s any validity in this story, perhaps Iona officials didn’t get the memo about Civil Rights.

Nearly four years after he filed a lawsuit against Iona College alleging wrongful termination based on his marriage to a black woman, former men’s basketball assistant coach Craig Holcomb has been granted the opportunity to state his case in front of a jury.

A three-judge panel decided Holcomb was entitled to prove an interracial marriage did motivate Iona to fire him, noting it was the first time it had concluded an employer could potentially violate the Civil Rights Act by dismissing an employee based on association with a person of another race.

Holcomb contends his 2001 marriage to Pamela Gauthier was viewed within the college as a detriment to fundraising, and says it played a role in the school ultimately firing him.

Iona maintains there were a number of problems on and off the court, that prompted the firing.

Holcomb had helped coach the Gaels to a winning record in all but one of his seasons and guided the team to three NCAA Tournament appearances. Yes. Problems on the court.

Holcomb says Iona former AD Rich Petriccione verbalized a racial bias on numerous occasions. Witnesses testified Petriccione used the “n” word and other slurs in reference to members of the basketball team and staff members at the college.

Holcomb testified Petriccione offered an offensive remark in February 2000 when asked whether a wedding invitation had been received. According to court documents, Petriccione responded by asking if Holcomb was, “really going to marry that Aunt Jemima?”

Like he was going to marry a bottle of syrup. Pffft.

‘I don’t roll on Shabbos’

The fine folks in the Colorado Senate are recognizing that it ain’t kosher for a Jewish school to play on Shabbat, the day of rest.

From The Denver Post.

In a bipartisan show of support for a local Jewish school basketball team,
lawmakers in the Senate this morning urged state athletics officials to push
back a game until after sundown on Saturday.

The boys from Herzl/Rocky Mountain Hebrew Academy basketball team are
currently fighting their way through their high school district playoffs. If the
team wins one more game, it will play for the championships. But the Colorado
High School Activities Association has scheduled that championship game for
during the day on Saturday and has said it won’t move the contest.

The boys’ religious beliefs dictate that they not play between sundown
Friday and sundown Saturday.

If Herzl/Rocky Mountain Hebrew Academy isn’t the most daunting high school name out there, we don’t know what is.

Sub-aqua ice hockey: all the cool kids are doing it

If you’re an extreme sports enthusiast or just looking for a way to kill yourself but make it look accidental, sub-aqua ice hockey is for you. Reuters reports:

Sub-aqua ice hockey is the latest craze for extreme sports enthusiasts

Forget ice skates, helmets and padding, all you need to have a go at sub-aqua ice hockey is a wet suit, flippers and a good set of lungs.

Played under the ice of a frozen lake and upside down, the sport is proving to be a big hit among extreme sports enthusiasts.

After banging head against a brick wall, playing sub-aqua ice hockey would probably be No. 7 on the list of things not to do. It would move to No. 4 if they threw some sharks in the rink.

Rumor: Osi Umenyiora likes to give Cleveland Steamers

Cleveland Steamer \Clee-ve-lande-stee-mer\, noun: A Cleveland Steamer is when a man defecates on a woman’s chest after some period of intercourse. A variation of this is the “chili dog” which takes the Cleveland Steamer one step further by “titty fucking” the woman using the feces as lubricant.

New York Giants defensive end Osi Umenyiora may have a fetish. According to a model’s website (NSFW) found by With Leather and Kissing Suzy Kolber, Umenyiora likes to, ugh, well, hmm, better let her explain.

Now let’s talk about Osi Umenyiora of the New York Giants. He does likes it nasty in the bedroom. As a magazine model i get introduced to him last summer in NY by a friend of his who also used to play football for a team that I can’t remember. We hooked up and he had an unusual request. He wanted to pee on me. I thought it was weird but I did so because he said he it would really turn him on and he would see me again if I did. After I did so in his bathroom he handled his business and asked me how I liked it. I said, “I don’t know how I feel about it. It was kind of crazy.”

The next time I was with him he offered me 3 grand if I let him defecate on me and I said no. He told me to leave and so I did. The next time he asked and I did and I accepted the 3 grand. And it became a regular thing.

Now there’s a very good chance that this actually did happen and Umenyiora gets off by dropping a pile-driver shit on a woman’s chest. No way that this is just a swirling Internet rumor. There’s all sorts of credibility behind this. C’mon, there’s a model who has one blog post about the time she got shat on by an NFL player. She’s probably the real Deep Throat.

Sometimes this site writes itself. But this isn’t one of those times because this is hard-hitting news. Yes, hard-hitting. Especially if it’s a tightly-packed turd.