Sparing you from seeing another terrible movie

We hate bad movies and we suspect you do too, so we’re going to do you a public service today and tell you exactly what “What Happens in Vegas…” will be about to save you $10 and two hours of your life.

*Disclaimer: Cameron Diaz looks super-duper hot in this movie. If you see it strictly for that, you’re not entirely stupid and impressionable. If you see it because that’s the only way your girlfriend will give you a little suckie-suckie, you’re not entirely stupid and impressionable.

OK, the detailed plot outline:

-Two attractive people go to Vegas
-Get drunk
-Inevitably, each main character has hackneyed sidekick
-Cameron Diaz, looking waaay hot, does not take off clothes
-Two attractive people get married in drunken stupor
-Regret it in morning
-End up gambling, because — hey! — it’s Vegas and that’s what people do there
-Win big
-Diaz still clothed
-Argue over who money belongs to
-Try to separate and hate each other along the way, with trite romantic-comedy gimmicks along the way
-Sad part of movie where they are unsure whether or not problems will be resolved.
-End up falling in love (resolving problems), keeping money together (or donating) and living happily ever after
-Diaz still no frontal

And now you have seen “What Happens in Vegas…”

You’re welcome.

Watch out for that right quad

Hi. I’m your right quadricep. Don’t fuck with me.

I will take you down faster than a Vietnamese prostitute. I’m your motherfucking worst nightmare. Want to spend some time on the DL? Don’t mess with me. This shit will linger, man. You think you’ll be day-to-day but if you rush this back, you’ll feel the pain all season. I’ll make sure of it. It’s a bitch. I’m a bitch. And I’m gonna fuck you you like a bitch.

I just did it to two stars Sunday. Chipper and A-Rod strained me and now I’m pissed. They think they can just walk it off or “rest.” Right quads don’t fucking rest. Their leg is inflamed like a fucking shrimp on the barbie.

All you got to do is treat me well. Stretch me out a little bit. I love that shit. It’s like my way of jerking off. Even do some exercises to strengthen me. Squats are good. Leg press is good. If you do lunges I’ll fucking lose it.

But beware. Don’t neglect me. You treat me like chop liver and I’ll bite you in the ass and keep you on the shelf for a month. I’m like a good woman. Just show me some attention, care for me and I’ll love you back. It’s that simple, really.