Here we go on the Reds again

About two months ago we got really excited about the Reds. Cincinnati is loaded with young talent, the Great American Ballpark is gorgeous (and is the best-named stadium in baseball) and Cincinnati is a blossoming city. That last part we made up.

So when the Reds’ young talent makes as big of an impact as it did Tuesday, we can only help but get excited.

In his MLB debut, Jay Bruce went nuts, going 3-3 with a double, two RBIs and a handful of other nice stats helping the Reds to a 9-6 win over Pittsburgh.

He wasn’t the only youngster doing wonders. Joey Votto went 3-5 with a run and Johnny Cueto gave up two earned over five innings for the win.

Hey, all their names start with a J. Steve Rushin would probably make a play on words about that.

Start rooting for the Reds. Seriously. They’re going to be fucking raw. Same with the Rays. They’re raw, too. And young. Maybe we should be writing about the Rays.

Would you do…??? Round 4

We thought long and hard about ending the “Would you do…” series; we felt it had become stale and trite.

Then the emails started coming in asking when the next tournament was happening.

So we caved like a sorority girl who had one too many.

It’s time for the next round of prelims in the “Would you do…” series. And we’re going back to familiar territory: sportscasters!

We went through 16 in the first season of WYD, but there are plenty more — some high profile, some not — who are begging to be dissected, dissed and do-ed.

This is your brainstorming post for the next 16 sports anchors, sideline reporters and analysts to be featured. Featured? Sure.

The first 16 sportscaster can be found here, so let’s try to avoid repeats.

Make it happen in the comments.

Get Well Big Brown

Big B, what’s happenin’, Buddy? Barbaro here. Listen I just wanted to tell you to get well soon. I heard you were hurting, but that things seem to be going OK. Look, we all know what can happen to a horse when their rehab doesn’t go well, so do what you can to get better. You don’t want to end up here with me. Well maybe you do — the pussy’s to die for. (Get it?! Get it?!) But only after you’ve won the Triple Crown and studded about 1,000 kids. I never got to do all that shit. But I want to see you do it. So get better. And kick some ass in the Belmont. Do it for Barbaro.

P.S. Eight Belles says she’s got somethin’ special for ya if you win.

At least I’m not Geremi Gonzalez

Hello Big Picture readers. Allow me to address you directly. I’m having a hard time right now. Ever since I experienced the ultimate high of all highs upon meeting Bobby Hebert, things haven’t been so great. The next day I got sick (I think it was food poisoning). Then my summer job tried to low ball me with a shitty salary. Then, as if things weren’t bad enough, some asshole broke the window in my car. For the second time.

See this is weird. I live in a pretty nice neighborhood. It’s near the university, full of students, and generally pretty safe. But for the second time in two months somebody smashed the very same window in my car — the right rear door window. What did they take, you ask. Nothing. The first time my digital camera was in the car. The second time a set of golf clubs. Not nice ones or anything, but still. Why do you smash a car window and not take anything? And should I count myself lucky that nothing was stolen or unlucky that someone thinks my car is a glass punching bag? The worst part? That very same window got broken last summer by a total fluke accident when a friend of mine tapped the window with an empty bottle.

So what does this have to do with sports? Well, nothing. But after this happened I was pretty upset, until I realized that when you put things in perspective, getting a broken window isn’t that bad. At least I wasn’t killed by lightning. So, condolences to the Gonzalez family. And remember kids, there’s more to life than car windows.

Memorial Day. Woohoo!

Happy Memorial Day, fellow patriots. Now go honor those who gave their lives fighting for democracy.

Or go to the beach. We might be at the beach.

And that’s Denise Milani, if, ugh, you don’t make it to the beach.

Best movie series of all time

Last Indiana Jones post, we swear.

Speaking of Indy, anyone see it yet? Spoiler-free reviews? How’s Harrison Ford look at 96?

Our excitement over the new movie is clear and it got us thinking if it’s the best movie series of all time. Very well might be.

Some other trilogies/series that come to mind:

Die Hard
Lethal Weapon
Star Wars
Scream
Care Bears

So, the best movie series of all time…?

I’m in a slump and I can’t get out

That’s a picture of a generic bathroom and toilet.

Mine looks nothing like it. My bathroom has a TV, stereo, PS3, bookshelf and full bar. OK, there’s no bookshelf.

I made my bathroom like this because I spend more time there than I do anywhere else. The bulk of my time is spent on the toilet because I haven’t taken a proper shit in about 18 years.

I swear, I need to make a fucking appointment now to drop a deuce. Trying to run out to the 9 a.m. meeting? 7:30 date with the pot. Girl friend coming over in the evening? Cut work early and carve out time for a second shower. Having company? Make a “beer run.”

At first it was funny. And I could catch up on reading material, which is always nice. But every morning (and sometimes afternoons, nights, weekends, anniversaries, holidays) I just roll my eyes and think, “here we go again.” I’ve considered anorexia to mitigate my problem.

Sometimes things are just going well: your team is winning, your sex life is at the twice-a-day level and you’re pumping out those well-packed, one-wipe shits. Really, when things are good, they’re good.

But when things aren’t good, it just becomes embarrassing. At work, if you duck away for 45 minutes, you better have a fucking excuse.

“I was at lunch.”
“It’s 10:15.”
“I was at breakfast.”
“No you weren’t. Were you taking a crap? You were! You were taking a crap!”

I get really good at looking at my cell phone when I go back so it looks like I had a real important call that I needed to take elsewhere. But people see right through that. They know the truth…that I just set fire to the corporate john.

This Memorial Day, may your day off be nice. Mine will be spent in the bathroom.