Jerk it, motherfucker! Jerk it like you’ve never jerked it before!

We’ve never seen this video, but we’ve also never read The DaVinci Code, watched a Harry Potter movie or been to a Rolling Stones concert. Some will say we’ve yet to live. But since 133,000+ have watched this YouTube clip, it seems like it’s been around the block like a 40-year-old pornstar.

But there’s nothing funny about this video.We’re not posting it to get a cheap laugh. We don’t want you to even smile. No jokes. There’s nothing funny about masturbation. Nothing funny at all.


CFB coverage > NFL coverage


9:01 PST: Wake up. With wood.
9:05: Get out of bed.
9:07: Get in shower.
11:42 9:29: Get out of shower. (It’s a running joke with family and friends. We take really fucking long showers. And we don’t even give ourselves a tug. Honest.)
9:31: Start watching Nebraska vs. Wake Forest.
9:32: Realize Bill Callahan is probably a bigot.
9:32 and 27 seconds: Switch channel to Miami vs. Oklahoma.
9:33: Decide that The U is more successful when undisciplined.
9:35: Morning wood starting to go away.
9:36: Switch to Marshall vs. West Fuckin Virgina. Enjoy a close game. (For a while, anyway).
10:05: Eat some french toast. With fucking cinnamon and nutmeg in the batter. French toast batter without cinnamon and nutmeg is like getting head with a fucking rubber on.
11:01: Leave for UW pre-game (or pre-funk, pre-party, pre-fiesta, pre-dag-nasty).
11:04: Ask if someone had taken a piss in our Bud Light can. (They said no, “But we have Coors instead.” We held back a smug comment).
11:06: Continue watching multiple football games.
12:03: Get to Husky Stadium. Watch Huskies beat Boise State.
4:06: Leave Husky Stadium, go to work.
5:01: Arrive one minute late to work.
5:01 and 10 seconds: Turn on Penn State vs. Notre Dame.
5:03: Realize that Notre Dame is bad, Jimmy Clausen will soon be the butt of herpes jokes, and Charlie Weis would be fucking raw at sumo wrestling.
5:05: Change to Georgia vs. South Carolina. Watch for a while. Enjoy good, SEC football.
5:25: Check in on Texas vs. TCU. Blow out. Too much “Don’t mess with Texas” bullshit.
5:26: Do some work…complain about it.
6:01: Tune in to beginning of LSU vs. VA Tech. Avoid making tasteless joke.
6:15: Start watching Auburn vs. South Florida.
7:31: Oh, Arizona State vs. Colorado is on FSN?! Fuck yeah.
7:33: What the fuck is Versus? Didn’t that used to be OLN? Whatever. This Versus shit is showing Wisconsin vs. UNLV. Booyah!
7:41: In unison with coworker, blogger and college football homie, say, “College football is fucking awesome!”
11:14: Leave work late. (Don’t ask). Arizona State game is still on. Blowout, but who fucking cares at this point? College football was on for over 12 hours!
11:21: Get home from work. Take care of late-night wood.


10:01 PST: Wake up.
10:03: Start watching Green Bay vs. Philly.
10:04: Realize that watching an NFC game is like watching paint dry or water boil or something else that’s incredibly fucking boring.
10:05: Change channel to Denver vs. Buffalo. Root on Marshawn Lynch like a motherfucker. (He’s our fantasy stud).
10:20: Look for third TV game. No luck.
10:22: Turn on our Slingbox — fucking awesome invention! — which tunes in to our Bay Area TV.
10:23: Notice the Bay Area is seeing the same two games.
10:24: Say fuck.
11:06: Start jumping up and down like a little kid on Christmas when Lynch scores.
12:55: With roommate, try to decide if Shannon Sharpe sounds like he has a ball gag in his mouth or just has an abnormally large tongue. Decide on ball gag.
1:10: Afternoon games begin.
1:11: FOX has local coverage. Seahawks vs. Tampa. See 10:04 comment.
1:15: Check CBS. Tennis. Fuck.
1:16: Check Slingbox. Oh good, Raiders vs. Lions.
1:17: Start tying noose.
1:18: Consider sending an email to FOX saying, “There are three afternoon games. Through the wonders of technology, we are watching two of them. We are not seeing Chicago vs. San Diego. Will you please consider throwing yourself in to the middle of the freeway? Thanks! Sincerely, The Big Picture.
1:21: Say fuck again.
4:02: Masturbate thinking about NFL Sunday Ticket.
4:15-midnight: Do some other shit that’s none of your motherfucking business.