Hot Sports Wives, New Year’s Eve and other fun shit

Been sorta crazy around here the last week or so as we’ve been on vacation for the holidays.

We’ll be off tomorrow (who works on New Year’s Day?), but then Wednesday we’ll be back to a regular Monday-through-Friday schedule.

So we’re curious what athletes do on New Year’s Eve. Peyton Manning stay home and watch a movie and then turn to Dick Clark at 11:45? Tom Brady try to pull a three-way? Stephen Jackson try to light up a strip joint?

NFL coverage is making us un-fans of the NFL. Fuck the NFL. Fuck CBS and FOX. Why should we be stuck watching meaningless games when there are only like three ones worthwhile in the first place? Bullshit.

The NFL is considered the best league in the world, but until it starts getting televised the same way as college football, with like 15 games per day, we won’t be believers. (We know this will never happen…)

Meanwhile, Armchair GM has compiled a list of the hottest sports wives ever. We don’t agree with most of the list, but check it out for yourself and enjoy Lisa Guerrero, who could be covered in feces and still be hot as fuck.

Would you do…New England’s Meghan Vasconcellos?

Why we might:

The easy answer: She’s ridiculously hot.

The more in-depth answer: There’s not too much to say about it. Great face, Pantene Pro-V-like hair, perfect tits.

And that’s not even the best picture of her! Check this one out (SFW, but barely). Holy bukakke fest! She’s beyond hot.

If she were a temperature, she’d be Fahrenheit 451. If she were a chewing gum, she’d be Hot Ice, which doesn’t mildly make sense. If she were a space object, she’d be the sun ’cause she’d burn you alive.

Why we might not:

The easy answer: She’s too hot.

The more in-depth answer: “What the fuck,” you’ll say, “is too hot?”

It’s two-fold:

1. She’ll ruin every other sexual experience you’ll ever have. No lay could ever live up to that of Meghan Vasconcellos. Even if you bag the hottest girl in the hottest nightclub in the hottest city, she still won’t be Meghan Vasconcellos. Just think, when you finish nailing her, the best sex of your life is in the past. That’s a dark thought.

2. That best sex will last for, give or take, 36 seconds. Most guys, on average, probably bang for about 15 minutes. Not with Meghan. You’d get Jim/Nadia syndrome from American Pie (third paragraph down). You might not get your shit wrapped up before you explode.

The answer: Of course it’s a “yes.” Four Long Islands for her…to even contemplate sex with a regular person in the first place. None for us. Maybe a camcorder and a jar to bottle up the experience.

C’mon, she’s the hottest piece of ass in the cheerleading world we could find. (Though we think she’s retired from the Pats). And right down our alley, too, with the tan skin, dark hair and plastic cans. We love that look. Fuck. But do value the fact that she might ruin sex from here on out. It’ll be great at the time, but you could be looking at 50+ years of downhill sex if you nail her now.

All right, folks. The polls are open. But don’t shy away from the comments. Is the best 30 seconds of your life worth it to ruin sex forever…

Would you do…Meghan Vasconcellos?
	Yes
	No
pollcode.com free polls

The NFL is a friend of the environment

Great news, people: The NFL is going green for the Super Bowl!

The NFL is planting thousands of trees in Arizona forests blackened by wildfires
to help offset greenhouse gas emissions from the Super Bowl, to be played in Glendale in February. The league will also power University of Phoenix Stadium with clean energy sources from wind turbines to geothermal plants.

Wait, there are forests in Arizona? Really? Like, with trees? We fuck around in ‘Zona every year and it’s flush with cacti, but those are plants, which are smaller, less cool trees. Perhaps the NFL is planting a cacti forest. That, actually, would be pretty rad.

Turns out the tree-planting effort will offset the 350 tons of greenhouse gas produced by ground transportation during Super Bowl week, which, we’re told by scientists, is a lot.

We still aren’t buying this global warming business – the high in Seattle this summer was 68 degrees (we kid: It was 74) – but, hey, score one for nature.

So there you have it: NFL, environment — BFFs. Al Gore must be so proud.

–Adam Landres-Schnur

Giants fans don’t give a shit about history

That end zone there? Might as well say “Patriots.”

Thousands of New York Giants fans — in a move that screams passion, loyalty, dedication and other nice descriptors — are selling their tickets to Saturday’s game against New England, when the Pats will attempt to be the first NFL team ever to complete a 16-0 regular season.

More than 200 [Giants fans] put tickets for the Patriots game up for auction on eBay within 24 hours of the 38-21 victory over the Bills. There were also 3,000 tickets up for auction Monday afternoon on StubHub.

Frankly, we can’t blame them. The Giants clinched the 5-seed in the playoffs and a first-round match-up against the Bucs. They’re going to rest their starters. And geez, New York’s a freakin’ expensive place (we’re vacationing there in January and might have to mortgage our future to do so. But we kinda can’t wait). Given the chance to make a buck, we might jump at it.

But to aggressively shop them?

One sales pitch urged potential buyers to ‘BE A PART OF HISTORY!’ Others offered parking passes.

The game’s on NFL Network…a chance to BE A PART OF HISTORY!…free parking passes…

We’re there!

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Merry Christmas

Enjoy your trees, presents and Eggnog, assholes.

We’ll be going to a movie, eating Chinese foods and doing other stereotypical things Jews do on Christmas.

What Really Grinds My Gears

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears (named after the segment on Family Guy, of course) is a new feature that will run whenever the fuck we want it to…but usually on a slow news day. It will focus on those pet peeves that, well, really grind your gears. It likely won’t be sports-related. Fuck sports. This isn’t a sports blog anyway…Oh. Right. Um, yeah, we’ll see about making them sports-related. If you have any suggestions — or would even like to guest write one! — send your submissions to zachls5@gmail.com or Ballhype us or something Internet-y like that.

You know what really grinds my gears?

Holiday cards.

I mean, what the fuck? I don’t care if you’re sending me your Christmas, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving, or Labor Day card. I don’t want to stare at your family on a vacation, or by the fire place, or with fingers in each other’s asses.

Really, what a pompous thing to do: “Look how perfect my family is.” I could give two shits about your family. I don’t care that you have a fucking Yellow Lab and your baby is adorable. That kid’s gonna turn in to a coked-out, cum-gargling hooker anyway. So fuck you.

What if I took a picture of my balls and sent that out? Nothing says Happy Hanukkah like a fat nut sack. It’s better than taking a posed photo with my family and then sending it out so all of the other families know that ours isn’t quite as dysfunctional as theirs.

And while we’re on the topic of holidays, you know what else fucking grinds my gears? Nativity scenes.

That’s just fucking strange. And when you put it up in your front yard? Yikes. Try a basketball hoop or white picket fence. Nativity scenes scream, “Wackos live here.”

Seen the movie Arlington Road? You should. Good movie. Anyway, one seemingly happy family (with a cheerful couple of Tim Robbins and Joan Cusack as the parents) are actually terrorists and fucking creepy as hell. They’re the type of family that would put a Nativity scene up come Christmas time.

“Jingle Bells” fucking does some grinding too, but you already know that.

So if you’re thinking about sending out your Holiday Card, well, don’t. You’re family isn’t really that happy, not really that attractive, and certainly not that functional. Instead, send me a picture of your wife. Naked.

And that, people, is what really grinds my gears.

Would you do…Titans Girl Erica?

Why we might:

The easy answer: Southern hospitality.

The more in-depth answer: Her hidden talent, according to her bio?

“I can growl like a little tiger!”

And we can make her. This chick is clearly wild…the type who would be down for some role play and S&M. That’s fucking hot. Sorta. We don’t need the whole ball and gag thing, but the idea of it sparks wood.

Maybe we could also play zoo keeper and she could be our tiger. Oooh. Kinky.

Why we might not:

The easy answer: Her face vaguely reminds us of this Salvador Dali painting.

The more in-depth answer: Clearly we’re judging this on never meeting Erica, but we don’t forsee us being able to really have a good conversation with her.

Us: What do you want for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Us: Cool. We know this good family place.
Her: Actually there’s this small, new place I was thinking of. Heard it was good.
Us: Oh. Ok. What’s it called?
Her: P.F. Changs.
Us: (Domestic violence thoughts).

We just don’t think we’d see eye to eye. She likes vanilla. We like chocolate. She likes hot dogs. We like hamburgers. She likes frontdoor. We like backdoor.

The answer: Erica’s certainly not ugly — really, what NFL cheerleader is? Her body’s tighter than a seven-year old’s asshole and she probably knows how to bump and grind. Not sure how well we’d get along, but then again, if we’re just talking about doing her, what’s that matter? In a bar, with a few drinks, we’d probably be itching to bag her.

So let’s call it two Long Islands and some costumes. That zoo keeper idea is sounding pretty, pretty, pretty good.

All right, folks. The polls are open. But don’t shy away from the comments. Does this Southern Belle feed your fancy. Have at it…

(Big ups to “robinson” for the suggestion. His Vaseline/porn/Kleenex kit is on the way.)

Would you do…Erica?
	Yes
	No
pollcode.com free polls

Bowl gifts are fun and neat and free

The Poinsettia Bowl is this evening.

Utah. Navy. Pre-cum is forming.

The games don’t mean very much and watching Utah and Navy play a meaningless football game, in a half-empty stadium with a shitty flower for a name might be as exciting as watching your pubic hair grow.

Rather than watch the game, just know that the players, regardless of the outcome, will score some pretty cool gifts, just for showing up. Go 8-4, get a free trip to San Diego and receive a PSP Slim, Madden ’08 and some clothing. Not bad for lousy bowl.

iPods and other electronics (camcorders, game consoles, GPS) are big this year. And clothes. Lots of clothes. You can see the full list of bowl shwag here.

Some other hightlights:

Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl: Apple iPod touch; Under Armour Aero sackpack; Cap. That iPod touch is probably pretty cool and the cap is probably instant pussy. The players could probably do without the sackpack though. Maybe something more Las Vegas-related would be better. Say, oh, a Penn & Teller show.

Pacific Life Holiday Bowl: Nintendo Wii, Madden NFL 08; Fossil watch; Sweatshirt or polo (TBD), cap. Again with the cap. These must be fucking awesome caps. Total pussy-finders. And you know that ASU coach Dennis Erickson will be losing sleep not knowing if he’s coming up on a sweatshirt or polo.

Champs Sports Bowl: Party at Best Buy; $400 Best Buy gift card for each player; Timely Watch Co. watch; Panama Jack sunglasses; Panama Jack T-shirt, hat. A party at Best Buy?! Whoa! We’re envisioning dancing camcorders, singing TVs and laptops trying to spike the punch. With plenty of streamers and party hats, of course.

Texas Bowl: Watch; Duffel bag; Hoodie, T-shirt, cap, Nocona cowboy boots. It’s too bad Bill Snyder doesn’t coach K-State anymore. He would’ve been a knock out in the cowboy boots.

The National Championship game isn’t that sweet. Pretty much just a Wii and some games. You know that Les Miles was holding out for that party at Best Buy.

Wanna go to the Pro Bowl?

State Farm Insurance is sponsoring this season’s Pro Bowl and wants us to help create awareness of it’s new promotion. Why are we telling you about it? Because that’s what we do; we’re a puppet for advertisers. (They’re also mailing us two surgically-enhanced hookers and some blow).

If you sign up…well, we better let them explain.

Fans can enter the promotion daily through January 6 at www.statefarm.com/NFL2 for their chance to win a trip to Hawaii or one of 35 other great prizes. The 2008 Pro Bowl will be played on February 10 and televised by FOX. The grand prize package includes:

-Round trip air transportation for four to Honolulu Hawaii
-Four tickets to the 2008 NFL Pro Bowl presented by State Farm
-First class hotel accommodations in Honolulu (five days/four nights)
-Meet-and-greet with NFL Hall of Famer, Howie Long
-A $1,000 State Farm VISA gift card

In addition to the five grand prizes, fans have the opportunity to win one of ten first place prizes consisting of an autographed Howie Long football and a $250 nflshop.com gift card. Twenty-five $100 nflshop.com gift cards will also be awarded to second prize winners.

So go sign up. Maybe you’ll win. Probably not. But maybe…a “maybe” that could change your life.

Big Picture Categories: Feline-family mascots

King’s Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there’s ample drinking and sometimes — on a few lucky occasions — hot chicks end up naked. One of the best “games” in King’s Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

If you’re talking about sports teams, you’ll undoubtedly mention a team whose mascot is from the feline family. Ya know, cats.

Today’s category then will be naming all those teams — let’s stick to colleges and the big four pro leagues (yes, the NHL counts) — whose mascot is from the feline family. There are 800 of these, so don’t be shy. We’ll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. First person to blow it gets a cheetah for a pet.

We’ll start with an easy one: Detroit Lions.

All right, folks. Slang some mascot-knowledge in the ol’ comments.