Rick Ankiel, your 2007 NL MVP

No, we’re not high.
No, we did not put cocaine on our French toast instead of powdered sugar.
No, we’re not drunk.
Yes, we’re pretty hung over.
No, the brunette chickened out and left, but the blonde, all alone, was still freak-a-licious.
Yes, we’re sorta nuts. Just sorta though.
No, we’re still not high.

Now that that’s out of the way, let us present to you the logical reason why Rick Ankiel would be our choice for NL MVP if certain things broke right.

What would need to “break right?” Well, the Cards would need to win the Central. If they don’t, our argument is history. Like that brunette.

OK, say the Cards somehow win the Central. At 68-68, St. Louis is only two back with a few weeks left in the season, so it’s entirely possible they jump both the Cubs and Brewers.

Now enter Ankiel. Through Wednesday, he’s hitting .338 with 7 home runs and 22 RBIs. Most importantly, the Cards are 16-9 since he’s been up and have gained ground on both Chicago and Milwaukee.

Secondly importantly (ya know, like what comes after “most importantly”) is that the NL MVP race is a joke.

Arizona doesn’t have a good enough hitter. Eric Byrnes? Fuck no. San Diego? Same problem. The Mets have both Reyes and Wright, but they might steal votes from each other, and frankly, neither have overwhelming enough numbers. (We suppose Ankiel doesn’t either, but fuck you). If Milwaukee wins the Central, Prince Fielder could be your boy, but remember, we’re figuring that St. Louis wins the Central. So fuck you again.

Yeah, Rick Ankiel for President. Errr…MVP. MVP. Rick Ankiel is going to win the MVP.