Would you do…ASU’s Courtney Simpson?

Why we might:

The easy answer: As a pornstar, she knows what’s she’s doing.

The more in-depth answer: Get this: she grew up a devout Mormon! Until she got corrupted by the ASU cheerleading team — as her Wikipedia page points out — she didn’t like caffeine, boys or fun.

But she soon realized she sorta liked boys (and girls) and having fun, and dropped out of school to be a pornstar. (Still not sure if she messes around with caffeine).

She made over 250 movies, so she’s clearly experienced. If that’s not your thing, well, she’s freak-a-licious. She’ll probably let you do anal, and, if you’re in a really fucked up mood, she might let you pee on her. (Like we said, you better be in a really fucked up mood).

Why we might not:

The easy answer: ASU + pornstar = dirtier than Sub-Saharan Africa.

The more in-depth answer: Pornstars serve as great fantasies and outstanding jerk material for most men. But when it comes down to sleeping with one, we think most people would have some reservations.

If she’s made over 250 films, went to Arizona State and is Mormon, her numbers could be in the upper hundreds to thousands. Even if she’s clean (big if), partners in the thousands sounds like a gaping hole you could play a football game in. Hot dog in a hallway, man.

The answer: The temptation is clearly there. Just knowing what she could do with her tongue gets us worked up. But as a pornstar, we’d like for her to pay Dr. 90210 a visit before we meet up. We could talk about all her flaws and our own inhibitions, but c’mon, who are we kidding? Three Long Islands for us. Make it four if she wants us to pee on her.

All right, folks. The polls are open. But don’t shy away from the comments. Ever been with a pornstar? Just think of it as a cheerleader who films herself more often…

(High-fives to Kevin for the idea).

Would you do…Courtney Simpson?
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What Really Grinds My Gears

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears (named after the segment on Family Guy, of course) is a new feature that will run whenever the fuck we want it to…but usually on a slow news day. It will focus on those pet peeves that, well, really grind your gears. It likely won’t be sports-related. Fuck sports. This isn’t a sports blog anyway…Oh. Right. Um, yeah, we’ll see about making them sports-related. If you have any suggestions — or would even like to guest write one! — send your submissions to zachls5@gmail.com or Ballhype us or something Internet-y like that.

You know what really grinds my gears?

Tipping a bartender for a bottle of beer.

That’s fucked up. It’s like reverse-etiquette bending you over and sticking a Louisville Slugger in your ass.

I know you’re supposed to tip a bartender, it’s how they make their money, yada, yada yada. But sometimes they have to work for a tip, they can’t just expect it.

Like say I walk in to Trendy Bar A where I have to pay $5 for a Bud Light. Paying $5 for a Bud Light fucking grinds my gears too, but that’s for different post.

So I pay my five bucks and then have to tip the bar keep a buck to twist off the fucking cap?! That’s bogus, man. I mean, I guess you’re paying for the service and courtesy of some one twisting that cap off for you. Sometimes I need to use my shirt, and then I look like a fucking pussy. Nobody ever wants to look like a pussy. Especially out at a bar.

Now, what if I’m ordering some local microbrew from the tap? Then I’m paying for the douchebag bartender to tilt my fucking pint glass while he pulls a lever? That’s sorta messed up too.

If he’s gonna make me a Martini or a Mojito or put some top shelf rum in my Rum ‘n’ Coke instead of the crap on the rail, then I’ll happily tip him. I’ll even send a hooker his way if that’s what he wants. I want to be able to feel good about giving a tip.

Once I was at a trendy Irish bar that sucked my cock. I fucking hate this bar, yet often end up there. I ordered a shitty bottle of beer and it was like $4.50. Even though all the bartender did was twist off the cap, I still tipped him, even though it fucking grinded my gears. I respect etiquette, even when it assrapes me.

But I gave him a five, he gave me back 50 cents and I left the two quarters on the counter. He looked at me, gave me fuck-you eyes, and then splashed the coins back in my direction.

That really fucking grinded my gears. Asshole was expecting a buck for twisting off a cap. That’s bullshit. Work for your tip. I’m gonna fucking end that guy. He was a total cock-weasel who has an inverted penis.

Yeah, so tipping for a bottle of beer is pretty week. Especially when they expect it. That’s fucked. Asshole bartenders suck, too.

And that, people, is what really grinds my gears.

Rumor: Erin Andrews to be in Playboy

That rumor? We just started it. Quick, spread the word. Maybe we can make it happen!

But isn’t that where this is going, anyway? Andrews, who prior to winning Playboy’s Sexiest Sportscaster, got some recognition on this site by beating out other female sportscasters in a 16-person tournament. But with her Internet fame, good looks and interesting sideline reports, what’s next?

Gotta be Playboy. You just know the popular magazine is offering her at least a million to do a nude spread. And with her soaring popularity, Andrews’ cover would fly off newsstands.

But maybe she doesn’t want to pose nude. Agggh, who are we kidding? She’s gonna do Playboy. Oooh, or Hustler. She should totally do Hustler.

Big Picture Categories: Former bowl games

King’s Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there’s ample drinking and sometimes — on a few lucky occasions — hot chicks end up naked. One of the best “games” in King’s Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

It’s coming time for bowl season, the most wonderful time of the year (says ESPN). While there are about 800 bowls from December until early January, there are plenty of others that were either short-lived or had a name change. It’s time we remember those fallen bowls.

Today’s category then will be naming all those former bowl games that no longer exist. Ones that are still around in the same location, but have changed names totally count in today’s game. So mention ’em. We’ll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. First person to mess up gets a free trip to Hell…err…the Sun Bowl in El Paso.

We’ll start with one of those bowl games you’d usually pass on in favor of Seinfeld reruns: the Copper Bowl. (Currently called the Insight Bowl).

All right, football fans. Spew your bowl knowledge in the comments.

Juan Palacios is a party animal

Photo courtesy of NapkinNights.com. See more pics here.

We have no idea who Baldy on the right is, but on the left is Louisville 6-foot-8 forward Juan Palacios. In the middle is the woman both are trying to get lucky with.

The Cardinals were in Vegas last week for some preseason tournament and it appears that Palacios and some coaches made the most of the Sin City nightlife.

From some Las Vegas publication, via the invaluable Ben Maller:

Our sources say assistant coach Walter McCarty and Palacios were in the LAX nightclub’s VIP section early Thursday with several male friends, including a young white man who appeared to be a seven-footer. Palacios, 22, is injured and has not played this year. Sixth-ranked Louisville lost to unranked Brigham Young University on Friday, 78-76.

A bottle of $400 Patron was charged to an Eric Scott‘s credit card and a bottle of Veuve Clicquot, which goes for about $300, was paid for in cash.

The school’s basketball media guide lists an Eric Scott as director of basketball operations.

A bottle of Patron is $400? Fuck. Do they lace it with heroin?

And Walter McCarty is with Louisville? Isn’t that like sacrilegious for a guy who went to Kentucky?

We have a hunch too — always trust a hunch — that Palacios’ pickup line to the pictured woman went like this:

“Hey. I’m Juan and I’m black. Once you go basketball player you never go back. Wait. Fuck…I have a gigantic penis.”

The 2007 college football season is on Angel Dust

A major hat tip, reach-around and high five to The House Rock Built and EDSBS for the fantastic picture of your college football Turducken. That’s why rich people created Photoshop.

Anyway, for how much we love college football — we’ve probably spent more time watching CFB this season than we have spent sleeping — we don’t really talk about it around here too much. Maybe it’s because it’s already covered by blogs, the .com’s and the talking box.

But we need to sort some things out. So let’s all talk together.

National Championship (Big) Picture:

-We can all agree that Mizzou and West Virginia control its own destiny.
-But here’s what could likely happen: WVU beats Pitt in the Backyard Brawl. The Mountaineers are in. Mizzou loses in the Big XII championship game to Oklahoma (the Sooners already beat the Tigers 41-31 in Norman). Then theOhio State backdoors its way in to the title game.
-If the Mountaineers lose and Mizzou wins. It’s the Tigers and Ohio State.
-But what if both West Virginia and Mizzou lose? Ohio State is probably in, but who does it play? Kansas becomes your only other real (Hawaii is not a real football team, says the computers. They must all be June Jones’ robots.) one-loss team. But would two-loss teams like USC or Georgia hop the Jayhawks? Crazy!

Saturday’s winners:

-Georgia is the surprising winner. With Tennessee’s thrilling win over Kentucky (easily Saturday’s best game), the Bulldogs avoid an SEC championship game with an angry LSU team. UGA will finish with just two losses and avoiding the SEC championship game spells BCS for the Dawgs. (Though, an SEC championship game win would have been huge if WVU and Mizzou both lose).

-Hawaii. The Rainbows Rainbow Warriors Flaming Homos Warriors might not be considered National Championship caliber, but they are a win away at home against lowly Washington from going to a BCS game. Fiesta Bowl? Against Georgia?

-USC. A terrible loss to Stanford. A loss at Oregon. Finally, a changing of the guard in the Pac-10. But Dennis Dixon goes down like a Vietnamese prostitute and in comes Brady Leaf and other inept quarterbacks who don’t know a football from their penis. Oregon’s out, Arizona State is bullshit and the Trojans are a win away against inconsistent UCLA from another BCS bowl. Amazing.

Yes, they have to award someone the Heisman Trophy:

Our ballot would look like this:

1. Chase Daniel
2. Darren McFadden
3. Dennis Dixon
4. Tim Tebow
5. Colt Brennan

Disagree all you want. We want to hear dissenting opinions.

We value a team’s record pretty highly, so that’s why Tebow is lower. If he’s the best player in the country, shouldn’t the Gators still be in National Championship talks? Especially with the talent around him?

Brennan’s numbers are fantastic, but he won’t be considered highly until Hawaii starts playing other universities.

Daniel has good numbers, No. 1 team in the country and…well, he has good numbers and he’s the best player on (currently) the top team.

Wow! College football is fun. Almost better than Meth. It’s fun until you start caring about teams. Then it fucks you in the ass. (See: Washington and Cal). So the moral of the story: be objective fans and drink yourself in to a coma. Or try Angel Dust.

An afternoon at the gym

All people at the gym should look like this chick. Fake tan, fake cans and fuck-me eyes.

The people who go to our gym were not only beaten by the ugly stick, they ran through a fucking forest full of ugly sticks.

Seriously, we don’t go to the gym to get strong or to feel good or to be in shape. That shit is for fucking body builders or people desperate for a hobby.

We go to the gym looking for some jerk material. C’mon, what’s hotter than seeing some fine piece of ass in tight pants doing squats or stretching? The resulting camel toe is amazing!

If you remember from this post, we saw a girl a few weeks ago who was totally cute, totally fit and wanted it right there. (She must be the only one who belongs to our gym). We 69ed each other with our eyes and thought about making an adult film right there without a camera, but instead collected ourselves and went on with our workout. But we haven’t seen her since. It can pretty much go without saying, but masturbation has been really boring lately.

Though we haven’t seen our hot friend, we did see a familiar face at the gym this weekend.

Older dude…maybe late 50s, but he coulda passed for 125. He was Nicole Richie-thin, had wispy, graying hair and an unkept beard. Man, this beard was fucking awesome. If there were birds living in there, we’d be the least surprised. He probably hasn’t shaved since ’72.

Anyway, this guy starts doing some stretches and shit. We usually mind our business at the gym, try to keep our head down, avoid eye contact. But as this hombre was stretching, we couldn’t help but stare.

It sure looked like this older man was trying to suck his own dick.

It looked like this guy has since gotten a hair cut and maybe found a hedge clippers for the beard, but, sure enough, there he was going after his meat again. This guy was really getting after it. Attacking ferociously. If he were a prehistoric animal, he’d certainly be a pterodactyl.

He’d be the type of guy to remove a rib too in order to give himself a cock-sucking advantage. Hard to blame the guy. He knows what he wants. He comes to the gym to give the perception that he’s doing an abdominal workout or doing some core stretches, but he’s really just trying to give himself some oral relief. We respect that.

49ers stick it to New England

That headline is a stretch, at best, but remember that the Pats get SF’s first-round draft pick in the ’08 NFL Draft.

So every Niners’ win means a slightly worse pick for New England, making the 49ers’ 37-31 victory over Arizona that much more satisfying.

Though tough luck for the Cardinals. Chip-shot field goal is good in OT, but DELAY OF GAME!!! Second chip-shot field goal + five yards = no good. Then after a punt + penalty = an Arizona possession starting on its own two, there’s a SACK and FUMBLE and CAPS LOCK!!!! NINERS WIN!! NINERS WIN!! MATH IS FUN!

This post isn’t for us to gloat about our 3-8 49ers, but after a brutal Cardinals loss, it’s really just an excuse to play this clip . (Just replace “Bears” with “49ers.” And pretend for a second that Dennis Green is actually a slim white guy with a gotee).

Happy Thanksgiving!

Ever been to Mt. Shasta? It’s nice. Active volcano. Could blow at any moment. (Not really, but that shit in “Dante’s Peak” was dormant too and then went off. Scary.)

Anyway, as turkey, stuffing and buckets of alcohol infiltrate Big Picture land, here is a list of things we’re thankful for:

-“Half your age plus seven.” Only way we could justify hittin‘ it with Stokke.

-This video of Joe Buck by Burly Sports. Friggin‘ hilarious.

-Silicon and saline. Masturbation sessions would never be the same.

-Booze. How else to get over miserable years by Bay Area and University of Washington teams?

-Gateway drugs. How else to get involved with hard drugs to watch these bullshit NFL games today.

-Our wonderful commenters. You guys fucking rock! Really, especially when we play Categories. You all kill at that. So thanks.

–Emailers. More, more, more! We’re always looking for strange stories around the country. Tip us off by emailing us here.

–Slingbox. That thing is the shit. We can watch Bay Area TV from Seattle. Hellooooo Warriors!

–Firefox. Using Internet Explorer is like counting grains of sand on Miami Beach.

-Pocahontas. Pocahontas is fucking fine. She has something to do with Thanksgiving, right? We really thought that Disney flick about her woulda made for a good porno.

We’re taking Friday off, so we’ll see you Monday. Have a Happy Thanksgiving and we encourage hour-long jerk sessions all weekend.

Cam Cameron is not on the hot seat

I’m fucked. I was fucked since birth. Who names their child Cam Cameron? You know what Cam is commonly short for? Cameron. Yeah. My parents named me Cameron Cameron. I mean what the fuck? Are they kidding?

John Johnson is bad. Matt Matthews is stupid. Dick Dickson sounds like a pornstar. But Cameron Cameron? I was never given a chance.

And now I can’t win a football game. Maybe it’s because I have the fucking stupidest name in the history of time. Maybe it’s because Ronnie Brown’s hurt. Maybe it’s because Cleo Lemon is now my starting quarterback. Cleo Lemon! Why don’t I just cut off my arms and try to get a job as a tennis instructor.

Hey, I’d make a great tennis instructor. People love tennis. Especially rich, white people. Like me. I’d be awesome at teaching tennis. I’d tell people they’ll be like the next Andre Agassi or Steffi Graf or whoever the fuck it is that plays tennis these days. And it may be an empty promise, but that’s OK. It’s all about confidence. You gotta sell it, baby.

And I’m confident that my job is secure. So what that we’re 0-10? C’mon, it’s Miami. People have more important shit to do than bitch about a football team. There are clubs and beaches and blow and people Rollerblade. Rollerblading is new to me, but I think I’ll come to enjoy it.

It’s a good thing I’m not Mangini. I’d be pissing myself if I was Mangini. And pissing myself because I’m nervous. Not because it’s Wednesday. That New York media is harsh. They’d tear your new asshole a family of new assholes.

I like it here in Miami. We’ll win sooner rather than later. People will get confused that Cleo Lemon is black and overplay the run, setting up the pass. Yeah. Play action. I’m a fucking offensive genius. I’ll turn Lemon in to the next fucking Marino. And we get the Jets in two weeks. When we beat them, then Mangini will really piss himself.

Mangini’s a pretty silly name. But Cameron Cameron? Fuck.