Movie Review: No Country For Old Men

Remember the time when we reviewed Disney’s The Game Plan? Well, sorry. After watching that, we washed our eyes out with soap and asked an estranged uncle to abuse us while the movie was playing, so, ideally, we’d repress the whole thing and forgot we ever watched it in the first place. No dice, though.

But the same folks who had us review that asked if we’d be interested in reviewing No Country For Old Men.

We thought a bad-ass villain, graphic violence and savagery all neatly compiled into a two-hour movie would be fun, so we agreed.

And yes, No Country is bad ass. All natural sound, violence…it makes you think and stays with you afterwards. We had a non-sexual dream about Javier Bardem the other night. We can hear Tommy Lee Jones’ words burrow beneath our skin. And Milton from Office Space has a minor role. Sweet!

We’re sure, in the near future, No Country will be turned in to a porno called, “No Cunt-ry for Small Men.” It’ll be about well-endowed men who have sex with pornstars. Or, better yet, sexy pornstars who only have sex with well-endowed men! Bingo!

Also, Javier Bardem comes in No. 2 on our list of greatest movie bad guys of all time.

1. Darth Vader, Star Wars

2. Javier Bardem, No Cunt-ry

3. Hannibal Lecter, Silence of the Lambs

4. Keyser Soze, Usual Suspects

5. Jaws, Jaws

Honorable mention: Alan Rickman in Die Hard, the Joker, Tommy Lee Jones in Under Siege, Dennis Hopper in Speed.

We highly encourage you see No Country (the Best Picture winner; no word on the porno being released, yet). If you don’t like it, well, you’re gonna like it. Or Mr. Bardem is gonna getcha.
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Movie Review: The Game Plan

The fine folks at Disney contacted us a few weeks ago about promoting the release of the new “sports” flick, The Game Plan. They offered us some money, blow and 15 minutes with Minnie Mouse to do “anything.” Naturally we accepted.

So, The Game Plan. Yeah. It has The Rock in it. And Roselyn Sanchez. Roselyn Sanchez is fucking hot! And she plays a ballerina instructor. She basically struts around in tight pants and skimpy tank tops for most of her scenes. And you can totally see her nipples at one point! Schwing!

Oh. The movie. Let’s let Disney take it away:

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson stars as Joe Kingman, the high-living star quarterback for the Boston Rebels. Kingman is called upon to make his most important play in a position for which he has no practice when his seven year-old daughter unexpectedly shows up on his doorstep.

You can pretty much predict how this one ends up. And the daughter is one of the most fucking annoying girls in the history of acting. If The Rock would’ve thrown her off the Empire State Building, few would’ve faulted him.

She’s rude, obnoxious and conniving. All by age 7. By the time she’s 18, she’ll probably have broken more hearts than Jessica Simpson.

The Rock is fine. We think he’s better suited for steroids commercials or touching other men in a wrestling match, but he has some charm in this.

Charm. That’s a good word to describe The Game Plan. It’s charming. We’ll leave it at that.

The Ladies… had the same offer from Disney, so read their much better review here.