Bracketology! In April!

Our pal Mike over at Steady Burn alerts us that Joe Lunardi’s mock-bracket is out — for next year!!

We could’ve told you that UNC Asheville will be your team from the Big South and naturally pull No. 2 Notre Dame in the South Region, but Joe had to predict the entire thing, oh, 11 months ahead of time.

Some highlights:

-Your top seeds: Texas, Pitt, UNC, Duke

-Other 2008 Final Four teams: UCLA (No. 7), Kansas (No. 2), Memphis (No. 3).

-The Big East leads the way with nine bids, with the ACC, Big 12 and SEC getting six apiece.

-Washington is among the last four out — but we’re mentioned!!

-A possible Kansas-Memphis rematch in the Sweet 16 in Indianapolis

-Arizona could get back to the Final Four with the No. 2 seed in the West with top-seeded Duke…and the West Regional is in Arizona. They’ll be a trendy pick. ‘Cats, baby!

Yeah, it’s April. Eleven long months before this is relevant again. But hey, Kansas fans while still feeling the joy of a winning a championship, can be knocked back down to Earth: their Bracketology stock is going down.

What Chris Douglas-Roberts’ tattoo says

Once upon a time there was a boy with the initials CDR. It stood for my name, but is now more recognizable with recordable discs. You know who recorded a disc? Jay-Z. Yeah. And he married Beyoncé. Like what the fuck? She’s fucking fine man. I would make sweet love to her all night long. I wonder if she likes basketball players. It’s my mission in life to play in the NBA and make sweet sweet love to Beyoncé. Jay-Z would probably have me whacked, but I don’t care. That ass is worth the risk. I wonder if Mike Myers and her really kissed in that Austin Powers movie. That would be weird because she’s hot and he’s Canadian. She was holding out for me anyway. And I’m tall and I’m going to the NBA so I totally have a chance. And I’m not Canadian. I don’t think so anyway. If the Nets draft me things then might get a little fucked up. I probably shouldn’t let Jay-Z read this essay on my arm. That might cause domestic problems. Detroit would also be cool. That’s my home town. But Memphis would be cool too. I also fucking love nachos.

Coaches with the most distinct appearance

What was Roy Williams thinking Saturday? That tie! That fucking tie!

It looks he’s wearing a kilt around his neck. That tie could be turned into a flannel shirt that Eddie Vedder wore 15 years ago when Pearl Jam was good. If Roy Williams has more clothing with that same pattern, he’d be better off making instructional videos how to hunt deer than coach basketball.

While Williams is often well dressed, his neck-wear Saturday got us thinking about some of the most distinct looks coaches have.

On the following list, all are either basketball or football coaches since baseball coaches wear uniforms and nobody watches hockey.

Why only eight? Because eight is a lucky number in Chinese culture, asshole. (And because we couldn’t think of 10).

As always with lists, we surely left some out, so help us out in the comments. Here’s what we came up with:

8. Red Auerbach, Boston Celtics:

Auerbach’s signature cigar would never be allowed these days, because smoking is bad for you and the NBA isn’t any fun. But Auerbach, a coaching legend, often had his cigar which makes him stand out in any coaching circles. He probably would have been higher on the list, but few who read this blog can remember the 50s and 60s.

7. Mike Tice, Minnesota Vikings:

Those fucking mock turtlenecks! So out of style, yet so in style when worn by the former Vikes coach. As a kid he would’ve gotten beat up. As a huge man, he brought the cool back to the mock turtleneck. Well, no he didn’t. Not at all. The fucking Fonz couldn’t make a mock turtleneck cool.

6. John Chaney, Temple:

Disheveled, pissed off and a little drunk looking summarize the appearance of former Temple legend John Chaney pretty well. His tie was always loosened, his sleeves rolled up and he always seemed ready for that post-game Scotch.

5. Don Nelson, Golden State Warriors:

It’s a good look for that mid-20s something trying to look hip on a night out: the sport coat with a t-shirt underneath. Hey, it looks classy…until you have a gut. Nellie’s beer belly is on full display when his coat is unbuttoned showing off his body-hugging t-shirt. But for a guy who drinks a lot and coaches our hometown Warriors, he can wear whatever he likes.

4. Al Groh, Virginia:

The crew-neck sweatshirt was made for him…and nobody else.

3. Bob Knight, Indiana/Texas Tech:

The sweaters. Boy does he like sweaters. Maybe he fondles his sweaters.

2. John Thompson, Georgetown:

Towels are not for bathing or for drying the dishes, dammit! Thompson was perhaps the best walking advertisement the towel industry will ever have. (If such a thing as the “towel industry” exists). We might start slinging a towel over our shoulder when we blog.

1. Bill Belichick, New England Patriots:

The hooded-sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off and hood up. You could recognize him from a distance, making him the coach with the most distinct style, even though that style makes him look better suited to stand in an unemployment line or be the leader of the Dark Side than coach a football team.

Fun with pictures

So this means Dell Curry is A-Rod’s father, yes?

Thursday should have been a national holiday

*All times Pacific. This shit starts early over here.

9:15 a.m.: Rise and shine.

9:16 a.m.: Turn on CBS.

9:16 a.m.: Morning wood stays strong when March Madness theme music comes on.

9:16 a.m.: Quickly think if morning wood is a result of really liking to sleep.

9:17 a.m.: Discard that thought.

9:20 a.m.: It’s Temple vs. Michigan State! Whatever! We got Temple in our eight-man, eight-team pool! Go Owls! Go John Chaney!

9:27 a.m.: Fuck around with some cottage cheese. Cottage cheese looks like white throwup. That may or may not have some spunk mixed in.

9:29 a.m.: It comes out how it goes in.

9:31 a.m.: Georgia up early! HOLY SHIT!!! AAAGGGHHHH!

9:42 a.m.: The Portland State coach used to be a Washington assistant and the Vikings are playing just like the Huskies did Wednesday, losing to fucking Valpo in the CBI.

9:42 a.m.: The B in CBI should be for “boner.”

10:16 a.m.: Ass groove is forming nicely.

10:18 a.m.: Too early for beer?

10:19 a.m.: Yes.

11:03 a.m.: Xavier is coming back. Frankly, it’s the only exciting game going on. Fuck. But still. Madness! AGGHHHGHJGHda!@*(&*!!!

11:35 a.m.: Round 2.

11:47 a.m.: Kent State either forgot how to score or the MAC is a very non-offense-oriented league.

11:52 a.m.: Purdue? Really?

11:54 a.m.: Lunch. Chef Boyardee. That man has seen more vagina than you ever will.

2:04 p.m.: Lull in the action. Stanford and Cornell might be the all-academic first-round game.

2:32 p.m.: Watch last week’s Lost.

3:27 p.m.: Ugh, any NIT action to fill the void?

3:27 p.m.: Nope.

3:27 p.m.: Masturbate.

4:00 p.m.: More games!

4:41 p.m.: Drive to work.

4:52 p.m.: Listening to Mike Montgomery on Westwood One is sorta like hearing seventh-graders in a romantic relationship interact.

Ted Robinson: He takes it strong to the hoop and throws it down hard.

Mike Montgomery: Yes.

Robinson: That was a very athletic play.

Montgomery: Yes.

Robinson: Would you like me to bang your wife?

Montgomery: No.

5:03 p.m.: Arrive to work.

5:04 p.m.: One of the many perks of working in a sports department is that there are many TVs always tuned to sports.

5:05 p.m.: Turn TV to CBS. CBS DOESN’T WORK!!!

5:06 p.m.: Every channel works fine but fucking CBS on this fucking TV doesn’t fucking work! It’s all squiggly and blurry…really, it’s like how you tried to watch porn when you were a little kid trying to make out a boob between the fuzzy lines.

5:10 p.m: March Madness On Demand. Is there a better invention on Earth?

6:01 p.m.: Whatever a Belmont is, we’re on board!

6:02 p.m.: No!!! Don’t drive the lane, Gerald Henderson. Don’t do it. Or miss the lay up.

6:03 p.m.: Well, that was fun while it lasted.

6:31 p.m.: New wave of games!

6:43 p.m.: This March Madness On Demand thing is fascinating. All four games up. It’s like watching at a sports bar without beer and we have to work and not have fun. But all four games!

6:55 p.m.: Fuck you, George Mason. You were one of our eight teams and you are making Notre Dame look like UNC.

7:34 p.m.: Fullerton wants to make this interesting, but even though it’s close, it’s one of those games that we’d cut off our small left toe if they actually win.

7:51 p.m.: Every year. Every fucking year we’re tempted to pick Arizona to win at least a game, maybe two. And it seems they just look at us and say, “Yeah, we’re talented. We’re experienced. And we’re far the fuck better than the other team. But, eh, it’s Spring Break. Cancun, bitches!”

8:08 p.m.: Notice Fullerton has a one Frank Robinson on the team. Think about making some sort of clever connection to the baseballer by the same name.

8:10 p.m.: Can’t.

8:23 p.m.: Upset that Gus Johnson didn’t see any good games in Denver. His head would’ve fallen off if he called the Duke game.

8:58 p.m.: The Arizona Wildcats are now on Spring Break.

8:59 p.m.: Well, that wasn’t the wildest first day of the tourney. But the only way we could’ve imagined a more entertaining Thursday would be to watch the games at a strip club with Stephen Jackson and Pacman Jones.

Who the fuck is Joe Lunardi?

In times past, The Big Picture has wondered who the fuck some figures in the sports world are, guys like the ever popular Orestes Destrade, or the one month wonder Chris Shelton. Well today we turn our attention to a guy who many of us saw way too much of this past weekend, ESPN’s Joe Lunardi.

Much like our friend Mel Kiper Jr., Lunardi has made a name for himself by being really good at predicting some completely obscure event in the sporting world. Our friend Mel is Mr. NFL Draft, and Joe is the supposed inventor of “Bracketology.” Bracketology is, as you know, the science art act of predicting who will be in the NCAA tournament, and what seeds they’ll all have. Which means that Joe is relevant for about 15 minutes a year.

The real question is, how did Joe become the Bracketology expert? Well, there’s not much out there on old Joe, other than that he went to St. Joe’s. That’s funny. Like if Zach went to college at St. Zach’s, it would be… mildy amusing. In addition to being the resident bracketologist at ESPN, he’s the Assistant Vice President of University Communications at St. Joe’s, and does color commentary for their men’s basketball TV broadcasts.

None of this answers the burning question we all have – what makes Lunardi even remotely qualified to be a Bracketologist? From what we can tell… nothing. Nothing to indicate that he played basketball, coached basketball, or even watched basketball in high school or college. In fact the only connection to basketball we could find was that he used to edit the Blue Ribbon Basketball Yearbook. How did he get the gig at ESPN? Apparently by winning “Dream Job: Bracketology Edition,” a show that we are pretty sure seven or eight people have heard of. What’s weird is that he won the Bracketology edition of dream job, and yet is also credited with having invented Bracketology. Did the other chumps on that show even stand a chance?

So Joe went to college, somehow got a job with the blue ribbon place, discovered he was good at guessing who’d be in the tournament, and is now all over ESPN. What a life.

–JMC

Blind Résumé

It’s March! Fuck yeah! Hoops, baseball, NFL Draft talk…we’re exiting one of the worst stages of the sports year and entering one of the best. We’re finally getting into college hoops and the bubble talks; it took about a month longer than normal. Who’s gonna dance? Who are the last four out?! With Selection Sunday less than a week away, it’s time to start using the phrases, “Bubble Watch,” “Tournament Résumé” and “Auto Bids” on a daily basis. So for the next week, we’ll be playing Blind Résumé. We’ll present two bubble teams’ résumés and your job is simple: in the comments, say which team deserves to get in and which one doesn’t. (If you think both are in — or out — suggest who you view as the better team). You might know who these teams are, but don’t spoil it for the rest of us. Since this is one of those blind item things, check back at 3 p.m. Pacific each day as we’ll post the true identities in the comments.

Team A:

Record: 22-9 (12-4 conference)
RPI: 50
Strength of schedule: 94
Against RPI Top 50: 1-2
Last 10: 7-3

Team B:

Record: 24-7 (11-5 conference)
RPI: 52
Strength of schedule: 151

Against RPI Top 50: 1-4
Last 10: 8-2

Play the part of a committee member in the comments. Who dances?

Blind Résumé

It’s March! Fuck yeah! Hoops, baseball, NFL Draft talk…we’re exiting one of the worst stages of the sports year and entering one of the best. We’re finally getting into college hoops and the bubble talks; it took about a month longer than normal. Who’s gonna dance? Who are the last four out?! With Selection Sunday less than a week away, it’s time to start using the phrases, “Bubble Watch,” “Tournament Résumé” and “Auto Bids” on a daily basis. So for the next week, we’ll be playing Blind Résumé. We’ll present two bubble teams’ résumés and your job is simple: in the comments, say which team deserves to get in and which one doesn’t. (If you think both are in — or out — suggest who you view as the better team). You might know who these teams are, but don’t spoil it for the rest of us. Since this is one of those blind item things, check back at 3 p.m. Pacific each day as we’ll post the true identities in the comments.

Team A:

Record: 23-9 (13-5 conference)
RPI: 35
Strength of schedule: 69
Against RPI Top 50: 0-5
Last 10: 8-2

Team B:

Record: 24-6 (12-2 conference)
RPI: 38
Strength of schedule: 137

Against RPI Top 50: 2-3
Last 10: 7-3

Play the part of a committee member in the comments. Who dances?

For how fun conference tourneys are, they make little-to-no sense

As an objective, sports-watching fan, we love conference tourneys. Especially the small ones. They’re fun, they’re exciting, and it’s two teams battling so hard to get their lunch handed to them by UNC or Memphis.

As a believer in sports justice and fairness, we think conference tournaments are more flawed than those Ernest Goes to (blank) movies. (As an aside, we would think much higher of those films if they made one titled Ernest Goes to Hell, Ernest Goes to an Asian Massage Parlor or Ernest Goes Number Two.)

Conference tournaments only make sense in one scenario: A league with two divisions. (i.e. Big 12 or SEC). Then the league has a tournament to crown a true champ. OK, fine.

Here’s why we don’t like conference tourneys:

• Why does the top team need to prove itself again?
• It provides extra games for teams to help (or hurt) their NCAA Tournament standing.
• They’re poorly attended.
• The major conference tourneys are in NBA arenas, which are like watching games in a giant cave.

We’ll use the Pac-10 as an example to illustrate those bottom two bullet points.

The Pac-10, a one-divison league, has a conference tournament to give the top team a chance to fuck up and to give the league an opportunity to make money.

It’s played on a “neutral court” at the Staples Center, home of the Lakers and the other LA team. The Pac-10 tourney being played in the Staples Center is flawed on other multiple levels:

• It’s like watching a game in a giant cave
• It’s poorly attended
• It’s not neutral

We’ve said for years that there’s absolutely no reason for it being in Staples except someone thinks money can be made on it being there. But everyone knows that LA has terrible sports fans, evident by the fact that LA has no football team and, well, the Clippers.

Rather, the Pac-10 Tournament should either be:

• At Sacramento’s Arco Arena (still a cave, but a neutral one). The closest set of schools are Cal and Stanford, about an hour and a half away.)
• Rotated between West Coast NBA arenas. The Oakland Coliseum, Staples, the Rose Garden, KeyArena and wherever the Suns play. It’d still have the cavernous feeling, but it keeps it neutral. Sort of.
• Rotated between home sites. Neutral and not cavernous! Yay! Imagine this year’s tourney being at Oregon’s Mac Court. That might give the Ducks the wins they need to get off the bubble.
• At the No. 1 seed’s home site.

And that last bullet point is really the problem with all major conference tourneys. (To be fair, many of the small mid-majors’ top seed has home court throughout).

If a team already has won its conference outright, and then has to prove its dominance again in a conference tourney, at least there should be an advantage of being the No. 1. (This is sort of moot in the Pac-10, since UCLA has won the regular season title like 27 years in a row (more like three) and the Bruins virtually get home games at Staples, anyway.)

So, ugh, yeah. Fuck conference tournaments. (Sorta, kinda). All we need now is for the Huskies to take out Cal, UCLA, and two more teams and go to the NCAA Tournament. Then we’d consider blowing Pac-10 commissioner, Tom Hansen.

Blind Résumé

It’s March! Fuck yeah! Hoops, baseball, NFL Draft talk…we’re exiting one of the worst stages of the sports year and entering one of the best. We’re finally getting into college hoops and the bubble talks; it took about a month longer than normal. Who’s gonna dance? Who are the last four out?! With Selection Sunday less than a week away, it’s time to start using the phrases, “Bubble Watch,” “Tournament Résumé” and “Auto Bids” on a daily basis. So for the next week, we’ll be playing Blind Résumé. We’ll present two bubble teams’ résumés and your job is simple: in the comments, say which team deserves to get in and which one doesn’t. (If you think both are in — or out — suggest who you view as the better team). You might know who these teams are, but don’t spoil it for the rest of us. Since this is one of those blind item things, check back at 3 p.m. Pacific each day as we’ll post the true identities in the comments.

Team A:

Record: 19-12 (10-8 conference)
RPI: 48
Strength of schedule: 21
Against RPI Top 50: 3-9
Last 10: 4-6

Team B:

Record: 21-10 (8-8 conference)
RPI: 65
Strength of schedule: 85

Against RPI Top 50: 2-8
Last 10: 3-7

Play the part of a committee member in the comments. Who dances?