At least I’m not Geremi Gonzalez

Hello Big Picture readers. Allow me to address you directly. I’m having a hard time right now. Ever since I experienced the ultimate high of all highs upon meeting Bobby Hebert, things haven’t been so great. The next day I got sick (I think it was food poisoning). Then my summer job tried to low ball me with a shitty salary. Then, as if things weren’t bad enough, some asshole broke the window in my car. For the second time.

See this is weird. I live in a pretty nice neighborhood. It’s near the university, full of students, and generally pretty safe. But for the second time in two months somebody smashed the very same window in my car — the right rear door window. What did they take, you ask. Nothing. The first time my digital camera was in the car. The second time a set of golf clubs. Not nice ones or anything, but still. Why do you smash a car window and not take anything? And should I count myself lucky that nothing was stolen or unlucky that someone thinks my car is a glass punching bag? The worst part? That very same window got broken last summer by a total fluke accident when a friend of mine tapped the window with an empty bottle.

So what does this have to do with sports? Well, nothing. But after this happened I was pretty upset, until I realized that when you put things in perspective, getting a broken window isn’t that bad. At least I wasn’t killed by lightning. So, condolences to the Gonzalez family. And remember kids, there’s more to life than car windows.

My night with Bobby Hebert

[Clarification: Big Picture correspondent JMC was the lucky one spending the night with Hebert. I had a date with my right hand. – ZLS]

From the time his name was immortalized on Seinfeld, Bobby Hebert has been kind of a legend to us here at The Big Picture. In fact, we once made up a game at the summer camp where we worked called the Bobby Hebert Quarterback Challenge. Never in our wildest imagination did we ever think that we would some day get to spend an evening, shoot the shit, and have some beers with the great Bobby H. But last weekend, I did.

Now in respect for Mr. Hebert and his privacy I won’t divulge exactly how or why or where I had the chance to meet him, but I will say that the night involved a nice meal on Bobby and a hell of a good time.

Some things I learned about Bobby Hebert:

-He’s tall, but not giant. He could be a regular guy.
-He dips.
-Even though he dips, his teeth are really white.
-His accent is totally awesome.
-Not afraid to drop an f-bomb (or any other swear word).
-Can tell some great stories.
-When telling you great stories, he likes to get real close and tap you on the arm with the back of his hand again and again.
-He will always refill your beer when it’s empty.
-Although I didn’t get to see it first hand, apparently he’s a stud at beer pong.
-His ex-wife is a total MILF.
-Got promoted from doing just pre/post game radio to doing the weekly commuter show because somebody at the radio station died.

Some stories Bobby told:

-The one about the guy who played tackle, but after getting completely demoralized by Lawrence Taylor, moved to guard and never played tackle again. Here’s how it went: on the first play he tried to get a quick start and block LT off the play, but LT used a swim move and sacked Bobby. The next time he stayed back, LT saw he was on his heels, drove right into him, and dropped him onto Bobby’s legs. He was never the same.
-The one about Jack Del Rio getting traded because Jim Mora didn’t like him being too casual during a walk through.
-The one about going fishing with Deion Sanders. Apparently Deion is actually fairly down to Earth and a really good clubhouse guy. He would say “Hey Hebert, let’s go fishing.” And then they did.
-The one about getting sacked by Lawrence Taylor and how it hurt like shit. In fact, if I remember correctly he said that LT was the only guy he was ever genuinely scared of, because he had such a crazy look in his eye. He also said that a friend of his played with LT and told him stories about LT being all strung out and sleeping during practice, slumped over a blocking dummy, while the offense was on the field.
-The one about the guy who was hung like a clydesdale. Get this: apparently this guy’s wang wouldn’t fit in his jock, and if he had it going down his leg he couldn’t run. So he taped it to his hip, and one time he got hit in the side. He came off the field in agony, and everyone thought it was a hip pointer, until he said “I got my dick taped over here and it just got crushed.” By the way I almost choked and fell off my chair when he told this story I was laughing so hard. The best part might be that he said they met this guy’s wife at the team Christmas party and she was so tiny that they all wondered, “How can she take that?”

Best parts of the night:

-Seeing Bobby standing outside the restaurant dipping, then going back inside to check out the group of transsexuals that walked in after us.
-Hearing Bobby do his impression of Jim Mora saying “Playoffs?!?”
-Trying on his jersey.
-Hearing how excited he was that his son T-Bob (that’s right, T-Bob) plays for LSU. He even told us his jersey number so we could watch for him.
-Telling Bobby about how we named the Quarterback Challenge after him. He was stoked. And maybe even a little honored.
-Hearing a story from a family friend about when he was a kid and Bobby was still playing — one day the friend went over to the Hebert house and Bobby was on the treadmill and he said “Look at my calves! They’re as big as you!”
-Hearing him complain about how good the 49ers were, and how he could never beat them. If he had been in the AFC he could have gone to the Super Bowl.
-Telling Bobby that we will call into his show and rag on T-Bob if and when he gives up a sack. He loved it.
-All of it.

So Bobby, thanks for making our night. And good luck T-Bob, we’ll be watching for you.

Wake us up when it’s Bobcats-Clippers

Yawn. When the Spurs finally took out the Hornets the other day, we rolled our eyes. When, oh when, will the NBA have the parity that has made MLB and the NFL so fun to watch in recent years? Spurs again? Lakers again? Pistons again?

Let’s review. The Spurs or Lakers have been Western Conference champs nine of the last 10 years, with only the Mavs breaking through that one time. Surprisingly, they’ve only met head to head in the Western Conference Finals once during that span, so that makes this matchup at least a tiny bit interesting, but not really.

Detroit has been in the Eastern Conference Finals for six straight years and frankly the act is getting boring. At least we haven’t seen the Celts this far in a while, but we’re talking about a team with SIXTEEN NBA titles. Second to them? The Lakers with 14. In fact, the final four NBA teams are 1st, 2nd, 4th, and 5th, on the list of most titles all time.

We’re ready for something new. Where are the Hawks, and the Raptors, and the Grizzlies? When do the Knicks finally get good? Why the hell can’t the Nuggets win with Melo and AI? Oh well, once again we’ll have the same damn teams in the NBA conference finals. Wake us up when it’s over.

And another thing — what’s with all the anti-Celtics sentiment? Are they a particularly unlikeable team? Or do people just like to root for the underdog? Fuck Boston? At least they’re not the Spurs.