Mr. Kool-Aid doesn’t have a back pocket. But what if he could? What if he could?


What do the days of the week mean? Mon-day. Tues-day. Wednes-day. Thurs-day. Fri-day. Satur-day. Sun-day.

It would make more sense the days were called Workday, Secondworkday, Stillfuckingworkday, Theresnotenoughboozeintheworldforthisday, Almostweekendbutstillworkday, Funday and Restday.

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That dotted line, which signifies a change in thought, looks like the beginning of a hangman game.

Kids probably shouldn’t play hangman. It sends mixed messages about word puzzles.

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Storming the court is one of the coolest tradition in sport. Kansas State gets a 9.3 for its storming after beating KU. That was a good rushing of the court.


How do you get a 10.0? Tear those motherfuckers down. In football they tear down the goalposts. In basketball, they just come out on the court? Bullshit. Cause some destruction.

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We have to submit our absentee ballot tomorrow (Almostweekendbutstillworkday). We don’t know who to vote for. (Thoughts?)

If a candidate suggested changing the name of Thursday to Theresnotenoughboozeintheworldforthisday, said candidate has our vote.

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Why don’t all pants come with pockets? Not talking about jeans, khakis, etc. But sweats. And athletic pants and shorts. Pockets should be mandatory.

If I went to the gym with my athletic shorts that don’t have pockets, where do I put my membership card? Where does my iPod go? What if I want to play pocket pool?

Just imagine life with pockets. And a removable back pocket. That would be huge.

The ad slogan: “What if you could? Yeah. What if you could?”

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Here’s a neat story about the adopted son and grandson of infamous cult leader Jim Jones. We usually like Gary Smith’s work more, but this piece is interesting, nonetheless.

Kool-Aid used to be good when you were like 5. Absolutely nothing about the spelling of Kool-Aid makes sense.

Though the Kool-Aid man could nail any cartoon character he wanted.

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This dividing line isn’t as long as the other ones because it isn’t a complete subject change.

If you could bang any cartoon character, who would it be?

Our list:

1. Jessica Rabbit (hotter than most pornstars)

2. Daphne from Scooby Doo (closet freak)
3. April O’Neil from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
4. Ariel from The Little Mermaid
5. Belle from Beauty and the Beast

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If we read one more thing about Tom Brady’s fucking ankle, we’re going to go all Philip Rivers on someone.

The media is making the Super Bowl (as always) one of the worst weeks in sports.

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The rule in the NBA where a timeout gives a team the ball at halfcourt is the silliest rule in sports. Do they have a timeout in the NFL where you advance to field goal range for a game-winner?

Bron Bron got the ball at halfcourt, passed Go, collected $200 and hit the game-winner. Would’ve been much tougher had he been forced to go the length of the court.

Silly rule.

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Ever consider legally changing your name? We haven’t given it nearly enough thought.

If we could, we’d go with: Bigge Cauck.

Or change the spelling of our name to Xaque. Think about it.

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We’re just three days away from Super Bowl Restday! Get excited!

Big Picture Categories: Super Bowl MVPs

King’s Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there’s ample drinking and sometimes — on a few lucky occasions — hot chicks end up naked. One of the best “games” in King’s Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

Sunday’s the Super Bowl! HOLY SHIT! THE SUPER BOWL!!!! CAPS LOCK! EXCLAMATION POINT!!!

With XLII just a few days away, we’re starting to get Super Bowl fever. We have our potato chips, deep fryer and butt groove ready. To get even more in the mood, today’s category will be naming all the Super Bowl MVPs. We’ll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. One — one! — answer per comment, assbags. If you look these up at some reference site or something, your penis will fall off. Honor system, people. First person to mess up has to deep fry a beer.

We’ll start with a random one: Dexter Jackson (Tampa Bay, Super Bowl XXXVII).

All right, Super Bowl nuts. Brag about your useless knowledge in the comments.

Santana accepts trade to Mets to save goatee

In a blockbuster move that shocked the baseball world yesterday, Johan Santana waived his no trade clause to accept a trade to the Mets pending a physical and a contract extension. Many people have questioned why the Twins would take the Mets trade offer when the players offered by other large market teams like the Yankees and Red Sox were superior.

Sources close to The Big Picture have confirmed that the Twins were set to accept the offer from the Yankees, rumored to include star pitching prospect Phil Hughes, a potential ace, but the trade was nixed by Santana. The reason Santana wouldn’t go to the Bronx? They would have made him shave his goatee.

The Yankees have a history of making the more wild haired members of the baseball world look like total pussies, including the most infamous of the bunch, Jason Giambi. Santana evidently had no interest in giving in to the aesthetic requirements of the Yankees.

Rumors have it that not only does Santana think he’s pretty fly with the facial hair, but that his goatee is actually the secret to his great success that has garnered him two American League Cy Young Awards. It may even have secret powers.

Santana now takes those secret powers to Queens to play for the Mets, making sure he’s as close as possible to the team that he spurned. The Mets now appear once again to be a front runner to take the National League crown, goatees included.

-JMC

Movie Review: The Game Plan

The fine folks at Disney contacted us a few weeks ago about promoting the release of the new “sports” flick, The Game Plan. They offered us some money, blow and 15 minutes with Minnie Mouse to do “anything.” Naturally we accepted.

So, The Game Plan. Yeah. It has The Rock in it. And Roselyn Sanchez. Roselyn Sanchez is fucking hot! And she plays a ballerina instructor. She basically struts around in tight pants and skimpy tank tops for most of her scenes. And you can totally see her nipples at one point! Schwing!

Oh. The movie. Let’s let Disney take it away:

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson stars as Joe Kingman, the high-living star quarterback for the Boston Rebels. Kingman is called upon to make his most important play in a position for which he has no practice when his seven year-old daughter unexpectedly shows up on his doorstep.

You can pretty much predict how this one ends up. And the daughter is one of the most fucking annoying girls in the history of acting. If The Rock would’ve thrown her off the Empire State Building, few would’ve faulted him.

She’s rude, obnoxious and conniving. All by age 7. By the time she’s 18, she’ll probably have broken more hearts than Jessica Simpson.

The Rock is fine. We think he’s better suited for steroids commercials or touching other men in a wrestling match, but he has some charm in this.

Charm. That’s a good word to describe The Game Plan. It’s charming. We’ll leave it at that.

The Ladies… had the same offer from Disney, so read their much better review here.

What Really Grinds My Gears


You Know What Really Grinds My Gears (named after the segment on Family Guy, of course) is a new feature that will run whenever the fuck we want it to…but usually on a slow news day. It will focus on those pet peeves that, well, really grind your gears. It likely won’t be sports-related. Fuck sports. This isn’t a sports blog anyway…Oh. Right. Um, yeah, we’ll see about making them sports-related. If you have any suggestions — or would even like to guest write one! — send your submissions to zachls5@gmail.com or Ballhype us or something Internet-y like that.

You know what really grinds my gears? People who write dashes instead of swear words, like f— or sh–.

That’s bullshit. I know what you’re saying. What do those dashes do that the actual letters don’t? It’s like if I wrote, “I went to t– store to buy some m–k.” It doesn’t make any fucking sense.

I’ve often seen headlines in newspaper or on websites that read something like, “Brady is a real b-tch,” or “Manning is a f—ing douchenob.” The article or whatever then proceeds to swear like Billy Bob Thorton in Bad Santa. That makes as much sense as Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End. If you’re going to use naughty language in the body of the story, why avoid it in the headline?

It’s not that swearing is a good thing. I’m the last person to condone that shit. But if you’re going to swear, come out and say it. Your dashes don’t fool me, man. I’m easily fooled, but I’m not falling for you game this time.

So liberate yourself. Speak your mind. Say the real words. It’ll make everybody feel better. No secrets, no dirty laundry, no holding back. Let yourself go. The world will be a better place.

Dwyane Wade is happy to smile for the camera…

…But it won’t come at a small price. From the Miami Herald via Ben Maller:

Dwyane Wade was celebrating his 26th birthday with about 20 family members at DeVito South Beach when an unidentified Canadian man approached general manager Chris Cuomo and asked to meet Wade in exchange for paying half of Wade’s $4,500 bill. Wade had the fan sent to his table and took a photo with him.

There ya go, folks. Wanna take a photo with an NBA star? It’ll only cost you $2,250.

We once stood in an empty waiting area at a restaurant with A-Rod. He had a camera and asked to take a picture with us, but seeing as our bill was only about 100 bucks, we declined.

Really though, we did stand in a waiting area with A-Rod a while back around when he signed that $252 million deal. We nearly asked him to buy our meal, but thought better of it.

Sub-aqua ice hockey: all the cool kids are doing it

If you’re an extreme sports enthusiast or just looking for a way to kill yourself but make it look accidental, sub-aqua ice hockey is for you. Reuters reports:

Sub-aqua ice hockey is the latest craze for extreme sports enthusiasts

Forget ice skates, helmets and padding, all you need to have a go at sub-aqua ice hockey is a wet suit, flippers and a good set of lungs.

Played under the ice of a frozen lake and upside down, the sport is proving to be a big hit among extreme sports enthusiasts.

After banging head against a brick wall, playing sub-aqua ice hockey would probably be No. 7 on the list of things not to do. It would move to No. 4 if they threw some sharks in the rink.