Pettitte: ‘I’m sorry’

I’m sorry I took steroids.

I’m sorry I ate the last cookie.

I’m sorry I told you the tooth fairy isn’t real.

I’m sorry I left the toilet seat up.

I’m sorry I inhaled in high school.

I’m sorry I looked at Jeter in the shower.

I’m sorry I used sage instead of saffron in the rice.

I’m sorry I charged that hotel porn to A-Rod’s room.

I’m sorry Clemens and I got loaded and set some beavers loose in the furniture store.

I’m sorry I lost those five playoff games.

I’m sorry I went to the National League.

I’m sorry about the beef recall.

I’m sorry I used to stay up late at night when I was 12 and try to make out the boobs in between the squiggly lines.

I’m sorry I called our Boy Scout leader a homo.

I’m sorry I dragged you to see Death Becomes Her.

I’m sorry I ate the chili from 7-Eleven.

I’m sorry I got caught.


Give the Dodgers an A+ for timing

Sometimes the marketing/promotions department for Major League Baseball teams just doesn’t get the credit it deserves.

The Giants find themselves in Los Angeles tonight with Barry Bonds on the brink of breaking some sort of record. And, would you believe it, there’s a steroids awareness clinic taking place on the field before the game!

About 100 kids from area Little League teams are expected for a two-hour steroid awareness clinic to be held on the field during the afternoon. Dodger outfielder Juan Pierre, hitting coach Bill Mueller and former Dodger Lou Johnson are to participate in the clinic.

We can’t think of a better spokesman for steroids than Pierre. You know, with his 12 career home runs and all. He should have no problem filling the two hours allotted to the event.

It’s unclear whether Bonds will participate, but the kids will receive a Dodger goodie bag!

Did we mention the Giants are playing in Los Angeles tonight? Wait, Bonds plays for the Giants! He’s about to break the most cherished record in all of sports! He allegedly took steroids!

Those Dodger marketing folks: smart people they are.

-Adam Landres-Schnur