Stephon Marbury is losing his mind

Let’s briefly reflect on the New York Knicks’ season:

– Knicks lose lots of game
– Larry Brown ages terribly due to feud with Stephon Marbury
– Marbury changes name to “Starbury”
– Knicks trade for Steve Francis because they don’t have enough guards and team players
– Knicks lose more games
– Brown goes to hospital for being old and coaching New York
– Knicks finish 23-59
-Isiah Thomas wins NBA exec of the year
– Knicks have no first-round draft picks

Fast forward to yesterday:

Starbury to the New York Post:

“I want to die a Knick. If I ever was to be cremated, I’d want my ashes sprinkled on top of the Garden.”

Some curious comments coming from the guy who hates his coach. The only rationale we can see here is that Starbury grew up in Coney Island, which makes him a native of New York and a huge thug. We’ll assume the cremated part was said while drunk.

More fine material from the guy who wants to be burnt on top of a basketball stadium:

“I hope that every player on this team comes back next season. I honestly mean that. Every player. I think we have a great team.”

Really, Stephon, great? We are sorta under the impression that a “great team” wins games. We could be terribly mistaken, but 23-59 doesn’t seem so great.

As for wanting every player to return: that just confirms our suspicion of Marbury being hammered. Now Stephon, riddle us this: assuming you do intend to win games next season, wouldn’t you maybe want some players that weren’t on a 23-59 team? Just a thought, but usually when you suck real badly, you want to shake things up.

We’ll go ahead and set the over/under of Starbury playing another game in New York at 10%. And we definitely are taking the under.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Adam is the sports editor at the University of Washington’s The Daily. A question: “Hey, where’s the real mayor, wha’ happened? Somebody shot the mayor, but they did not shoot the deputy.”

To read today

What to read while Albert Pujols homers against your favorite team…

U-Dub Dish – Brandon Roy to the Chicago Bulls? If that’s the case, he better not turn out like Eddie Curry.

The Hater Nation – Brad Penny: your perfect fantasy pitcher.

Insomniac’s Lounge – Reminding us about the Joe Nathan and co. for A.J. Pierzynski trade like it’s his job.

The Wizard of Odds – South Carolina fans are fat. That seems about right.

Complete Sports – NBA Draft prospects are compared to NBA players. Our favorite: LaMarcus Aldridge to Nenad Krstic. Who the fuck is Nenad Krstic?

The Sports Pulse – This guy had a great day. But what’s his wife have to say?

YAY!sports NBA – Ranger Corps: coming soon to theaters near you.

The Gatorade Dump – Ah, the French Open.

Mr. Irrelevant – Larry Hughes isn’t afraid to wear his thoughts on his sleeve. Literally.

Detroit is fucked

In other news: Brett Favre thought about signing with the Houston Astros yesterday, but decided he’d wait a few months longer.

Would you do…Melissa Stark?

Why we might:

The easy answer: She’s really freakin’ hot — nice hair, eyes, chest, legs, feet, chest.

The more in-depth answer: Stark majored in Foreign Affairs and Spanish while at the University of Virginia. Now you’re thinking we like the idea that she could talk dirty to us in multiple languages and could probably say, “Wow, you’re hung like a fucking Clydesdale!” in Spanish.

(It’s “¡ah, usted es colgado como un caballo que jode!, by the way.)

But somehow we see this Foreign Affairs thing leading to diplomatic, peaceful intercourse. Or Turkish-prison-style where you come out of it not knowing what or who has taken hold of your dong. Fun times.

Why we might not:

The easy answer: She’s so hot that we could never enjoy banging a normal girl after running through her.

The more in-depth answer: Stark does work for MSNBC. We’ll be caught sawing off our leg before watching that channel. We aren’t too bothered that she works for them; it’s just that they’ve probably rubbed her with some “Boring” powder. This could lead to missionary sex without movement. Much like the British.

The answer: We would, hesitantly, but it’d take 8 Long Islands. Oh, don’t get us wrong, the Long Islands aren’t for us. We figure the only chance we have at Stark is if she’s blacked out. (This seems sorta rapist/Duke LAX, thus the “hesitantly”).

All right, folks. Your turn to decide if Stark is worth a cheap screw: post a simple “Y” (for yes, “I’d run through that shit”), or “N” (for no, “I wouldn’t touch that with a 10 foot pole”) in the comments sections. And because Stark is mind-blowingly hot, write how many Long Islands SHE would need before she slept with you.

Standings: Rachel Nichols was 6 “yes” and 2 “no.” Suzy Kolber was 7 “yes” and 2 “no.”

In other news: Albert Pujols hit his 25th homerun Monday and has reached an endorsement deal with Balco.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Ricky to play football, seek out good pot cafés

Everybody’s favorite running back slash weed smoker is back to the gridiron.

Football, as it’s apparently called in Canada, is what Ricky Williams will be doing this upcoming season.

Williams didn’t play much for the Miami Dolphins last year because he was discovering how much more fun it is to take hits from a bong than hits from a linebacker.

Ricky will suit up for the Toronto Argonauts and will be paid $240,000 — making him the highest-paid running back in the CFL. With that kind of money, he can probably go buy some good Acapulco Gold. Though we’re a bit surprised he’s not playing for the Amsterdam Admirals of NFL Europe.

We’re unsure as to what an argonaut is, but it sounds neat. If you happen to know what an argonaut is or know the legality of marijuana in Canada, please tell.

In other news: Barry Bonds hit his 715th career homerun after being on the hot dog, beer and steroid diet.

Smoot and McKinnie guilty of being P-I-M-P-S

Minnesota Vikings playahs Fred Smoot and Bryant McKinnie pleaded guilty Friday to getting their shit on during a sex cruise.

Many may remember that Smoot, apparently not fond of his own penis, decided to use a double-headed plastic dick on a stripper.

McKinnie, no angel himself, was accused of performing oral sex on an exotic dancer, which begs two questions:

1. Why was he performing oral sex? Shouldn’t he have been the receiver?
2. Are his newly acquired herpes oral, genital or both?

Both Smoot and McKinnie will pay a $1,000 fine — all in singles — and will perform 48 hours of community service, which will entail cleaning up after gentlemen who use the erotic video booth in a strip club. That term was dubbed “jizz mopper” in Clerks.

Justice and the legal system are cool and all, but we’re crossing our fingers than this is not the last we hear about the S.S. Love Boat. Some stories are just too good to end.

Oh, and we think that Smoot and McKinnie should probably be paid $1,000 for giving, not taking. But that’s for them to work out with the strippers.

Barrett gets 10 games, Pierzynski black eye

Chicago Cubs catcher Michael Barrett was finally suspended for pulling a Rocky Balboa on White Sox jackass A.J. Pierzynski.

Barrett got a 10-game suspension, though he’ll appeal. Somehow we think that Barrett was prepared for a 20-game suspension. If he only got 10 for clocking A.J. Dickhead, he should have taken a bat to him. That would have given him an extra 10 games and probably a misdemeanor.

But still, A.J. deserves worse. He wasn’t suspended, by the way. That seems wrong on about as many levels as hitting another man with a bat.

And here’s the video for your Saturday viewing pleasure. Enjoy.

In other news: The Mavericks beat the Suns 105-98 after David Hasselhoff saved Dallas from drowning.

Game 2

Catcher gets benched, manager cries

Nationals manager Frank Robinson, a notorious hard-ass, needs a tissue. After pulling his catcher in the middle of the inning, Robinson broke down in tears.

Robinson was forced to replace third-string catcher Matt LeCroy after the Astros stole seven bases off him. Robinson, according to the article, was upset because he felt bad for the kid. Though we suspect he was crying because he’s worried about Barbaro.

Robinson took it harder than LeCroy, according to the article. Robinson cried like a girl, while LeCroy apparently threw like one. We are glad to report though that LeCroy didn’t hang himself after his rough outing. Robinson, if he’s still upset, may want to stay away from ropes today. Or perhaps he can write to his favorite horse.

In other news: Detroit beat Miami 92-88 after Rasheed Wallace said, “We’re gonna kick their ass, but then they’re gonna come back and make it close. But we’re still gonna win.”

Mailbag time

Announcer: We have a great show for you tonight, ladies and gentlemen. We’ll be breaking down sports, college life and relationship needs all in the next hour of the Jenn Sterger Mailbag. And here’s your host…Jenn Sterger!

Jenn: Hi everybody! It’s great to see you! I’m so happy! Go ‘Noles! I have so many wonderful e-mails but I can only answer a few in our time together tonight. Here are the ones that I like the most.

Hey Jenn! Big fan. Longtime reader, first-time writer. My girlfriend is being tough lately. All I want to do is watch the NBA playoffs and she wants to have sex. She even told me that I could put it “anywhere.” But I’m glued to the TV. What should I do?
–Jimmy, Glendale, Ariz.

At Florida State we go to football games. We wear low-cut shirts and cheer loud. When the home team wins, we’re happy. When they lose, we’re sad. But it’s ok, because we still go to one of the best academic schools in our wonderful country.

With four FSU defensive players — Sims, Wimbley, Bunkley and Cromartie — going in the first round of last month’s draft, what does that say about Florida State’s player development?
–Lance, Orlando

At Florida State we go to football games. We wear low-cut shirts and cheer loud. When the home team wins, we’re happy. When they lose, we’re sad. But it’s ok, because we still go to one of the best academic schools in our wonderful country.

With big-name players like Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart and Vince Young moving on to the NFL, who are some players to watch next season?
–Sam, San Diego

At Florida State we go to football games. We wear low-cut shirts and cheer loud. When the home team wins, we’re happy. When they lose, we’re sad. But it’s ok, because we still go to one of the best academic schools in our wonderful country.

Hi, Jenn. My girlfriend is considering getting breast implants, but she plays competitive soccer frequently? What advice should I give her?
–Darren, Mobile, Ala.

At Florida State we go to football games. We wear low-cut shirts and cheer loud. When the home team wins, we’re happy. When they lose, we’re sad. But it’s ok, because we still go to one of the best academic schools in our wonderful country.

Jenn: And that’s all the time we have, folks! Thanks for reading! And remember: Go ‘Noles! Bye!

(See the e-mails that were not read here).

In other news: The Kansas City Royals dropped their 12th-straight game after losing 6-3 to the Bad News Bears.